I'll just get right to the point. The news of today has been hitting me with increasingly intensity through the day. Losing one of our own just... is both so tragically sad in and of itself, and also such a reminder of how very vulnerable we are when our brains become consumed and our thought processes are taken hostage by pain and nothingness.

I don't know if it's ok to post about this or ??? Just don't know. Do know that right now... how to describe it? There's a frustration in feeling so much about it, but not knowing where to let it out. I don't want to hear any trite or ignorant responses from those whose brains have never taken them hostage to the very darkest places. (Realizing they can't possibly help it, still, it's maddening, and certainly limits conversational outlets at such a time.) How could one possibly describe just how utterly this can happen and how very real the distortions feel? That it simply can't be understood from a rational, "normal" point of view?

Well, before I go off on this (much much journaling devoted to such frustrations), I just want to make a point of not letting this chance go by to say how much I truly do care about all of you here. Never ever doubt this. I've said it before, and no doubt will again. And again. And every single time it is from the very bottom of my heart.

Remembering this and holding together. It's our very best chance.

[PT52]

Beautifully said. Ditto.

[blueoctober]

Very well said Innerzone.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Innerzone - very profound and honestly true.
We need to learn to trust and know ourselves. Know what options are available to us, know what our breaking points are, know when we need to ask for help.
I was chatting to T about this last week - the rational part of you that says the darkness WILL lift, and the bipolar part that just cannot believe this, and is consumed with the darkness of it all.
I wish I could assist in making you feel better. About 2 weeks ago I was consumed with MAJOR depression. Contacted both my T and pdoc about it. I was seriously considering cashing in. But I managed to convince myself to sleep it out - that things would get better.
And chatting to others (T and close friends) definitely helped me get through it.
I do think that journalling can help tremendously - you can go back to read how you felt and make sense of it while you are more or less stable. Or you can realise that you have actually been in a darker place before, and that you have come out the other side shining!

Keep your support network in the loop how you are feeling and NEVER feel embarrassed about anything. We do not have life easy; and it's made harder that most people just DO NOT understand. We need to rely on those few that do care and understand

Ditto.

Originally Posted by sugahorse

- ...the rational part of you that says the darkness WILL lift, and the bipolar part that just cannot believe this, and is consumed with the darkness of it all.
We do not have life easy; and it's made harder that most people just DO NOT understand. We need to rely on those few that do care and understand

Yes! Exactly. That is the essence of the part that cannot be conveyed to those that haven't had their rational voice taken over, isn't it? It's almost a visual for me it's so palpable. Like...there is this little voice that tries like hell to reason with an overwhelming force constantly deriding and having an extreme and opposite response to _every single point_ the little voice is trying to make. Its arguments seem sooooo very very logical as it takes on a life of its own. The little voice just gets squashed and squashed relentlessly till it either can't be heard at all, or comes precariously close. Come to think of it, that's a biggie that's impossible to convey as well. It's something that can only be experienced to understand just how powerful and engulfing it can be.

That's why here to get this out. Couldn't bear to attempt to do so among (ooooh, this phrase just hit me...it sounds terrible, but it's actually true, so here goes...) the blissfully ignorant. One of the reasons it hits so hard is knowing just how very easily it could have been me. How could one express that to the blissfully ignorant? At least without getting pooh poohed, "oh, don't talk like that..." or somehow trying to verbally separate you as oh-so-different from the one who lost the fight. No, not so different at all. The pain of it hits us differently I think. Despite being upset and crying like anyone would, it feels like sometimes people (ie. the blissfully ignorant) think that (oh, how to phrase this?) I take such things too lackadaisically. Why? Because I just can't rail against it with the standard responses. No can do. Cannot blame the victim. They lost the fight. Choice? Yes, there is always choice. BUT, it can become so that it feels nearly invisible to the point where 'choice' seems not quite the right word. This may seem a horrible thing to say, but it's not fatalistic. It's not accepting. It's understanding. What it all comes down to is that someone lost the fight. That is 'all' and yet that is everything.

Like anyone, I've been lamenting not making a post I knew damn well I should have. I heard her and knew. Just knew. And still failed to do so. Her post was a very echo of my own thoughts from less than a year ago. Something I've not admitted to anyone. It was so damn close to the marrow. I was lucky, she was not. Thinker22 is right in what she says in the other thread. We can only try. Ultimately, we don't have the fail-safe power to save.

Damn. Wish we did though.

[vjdragonfly]

I so agree with you Innerzone. It is a tragic loss and I wish we could have reached her. All we have is those around us and the people on here. Unfortunately all we can do is type out our thoughts and concerns. I know many replied to Denise and heard her cry for help. Unfortunately we can not drag anyone out of their darkness no matter how much we care. I hate knowing that this disease is so powerful, that at any moment it can be any one of us.

I thank you for this thread. I didn't know Denise, but her death hits me. I understand her choice. It doesn't make it right, but I can so closely relate. I had a student commit suicide just recently also, and this is another right on top of the last. I hate that this disease takes so many lives.

I am always grateful that PC is here as a place to vent and find support when life gets to be overwhelming.

[PT52]

As Innerzone said - the blissfully ignorant, which is such a perfect description. We all have stories of people who love us but just don't understand. But we understand, don't we? So I'd like to throw something out...

here is this little voice that tries like hell to reason

In times of "normalcy" say it until you believe it - my little voice leads me to my friends (all of us)..and just as soon as you hear the little voice, come here and say it out loud. Hopefully, if enough of us are committed to making that little voice into a booming positivity, then just maybe we can make a difference. And make a difference in our own lives, too.

[Amazonmom]

That was beautifully said.

Hugs to all of us here.

Seeing that this disease can in fact kill me keeps me pursuing treatment even though I am struggling with it.

[sugahorse1]

I can understand why she chose that route out - and only if you've seen the darkness can anyone begin to relate or understand

[PT52]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I can understand why she chose that route out - and only if you've seen the darkness can anyone begin to relate or understand

And that's why we're here for each other, right?

[sugahorse1]

yup - we are pretty much the only ones that truely understand.
Sometimes I wonder if T is a waste of time - how often has T really been there; how much can they really empathise?
And our pdocs? Do they know what we mean when we try to explain to them how we feel?

My new theory - I need a pdoc that is bipolar!!

[PT52]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

yup - we are pretty much the only ones that truely understand.
Sometimes I wonder if T is a waste of time - how often has T really been there; how much can they really empathise?
And our pdocs? Do they know what we mean when we try to explain to them how we feel?

My new theory - I need a pdoc that is bipolar!!

I like your theory

I think since most people with BP are highly intelligent, that we can tell when they understand or are just faking it.

[sugahorse1]

The book - An Unquiet Mind - hits the nail on the head. The author is BP, studies to be a psychiatrist and REALLY understands her patients. Wonder if there is an organisation or Forum for professionals where we can ask psychiatrists who are BP to come forward and let us know - I'm sure the'y pick up a LOT of patients!

[PT52]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

The book - An Unquiet Mind - hits the nail on the head. The author is BP, studies to be a psychiatrist and REALLY understands her patients. Wonder if there is an organisation or Forum for professionals where we can ask psychiatrists who are BP to come forward and let us know - I'm sure the'y pick up a LOT of patients!

no doubt..my doc gave me a link to the pdoc he is consulting with: psycheducation.org. This guy specializes in BP. It's more the scientific side of things, but it still has some useful stuff.