[Amazonmom]

I should put this on the big thread we have going but I find it impossible to follow correctly.

I just feel like I have no future. No real hope for anything being or getting better. If this is the best things are going to be I don't know how to live with that for the rest of my life. I am not remotely s** but it's more like I wish I never had any hope that I could have a better life than I did with untreated bipolar. It was stupid and silly to think that anything would really change. Taking meds just covers up the broken useless brain that lurks on the inside. There is no way to be a good NICU nurse with being perpetually sleepy and slow, with obvious tremors. I just want to cry but I try and I can't. Then I have a day with a bit of hypomania and people love me. They love it when I clean the house and do the shopping and am cheery and do everything at work faster than everyone else. It's like everything in my life reinforces the hypomania. But I know it isn't my friend. Or its a bad friend. But right now it's like hypomania moments are the only friends I have.

[blueoctober]

Amazonmom; I don't have any insight for you, but I just wanted to let you know I understand. At times I feel robbed by this illness. It sucks.

[Amazonmom]

It does help to know that others understand my situation. Thanks Blueoctober.

I remembered recently that October being my birthday month should make it a happy month. But my grandma died on my birthday 15 years ago, my miscarriage started the day after my birthday 1 year ago. I got my first inkling that my ex fiance cheated on me in October 13 years ago. October is a month from HELL that I really want to drink myself through. But I won't.

[sundog]

Just want to leave you some hugs ((((((Amazonmom))))))

[blueoctober]

Me to. It's my birthday month as well and October mood wise (depression) has always been tough for me, but I think it's more to do with the season changes. My profile name is after the band blueoctober, but it's also very fitting for me.

Friend...

Remember... You are loved here regardless of where you are on the rollercoaster.

You know... it just occured to me in reading your post that it's like every so often the BP beats up on us over having the BP! If that makes any sense.

Sure sounds like depression is taking you down a very bumpy road right now, amazonmom. It's giving you an UNTRUE view of yourself. You're not silly. Not stupid. Not useless brained. And being a good nurse isn't determined by physical things. You ARE a good nurse because you CARE. I know because over all these months on the forums, it's obvious.
******************

[lonegael]

(((((((((((((((Amazonmom))))))))))))) Hon, it sounds like you are really feeling the disease. I hear you.

[vjdragonfly]

Amazonmom I understand where you are coming from. We are battling a very difficult demon and at times it gets the best of us. The meds are there to give us some resemblence to a normal life although I don't think we will ever really be normal. We just have to take life as it has been given to us. I'm sorry I can't make it all better for you. Just know you are a good person and that you do your best which is good enough. We are all here for you, take care of yourself.

[laur88]

I totally know what you are describing feels like - it sucks... Hope it provides some comfort to know that you are not alone in how you feel. Sending lots of cyber hugs to you!