[donut]

I feel so depressed. I found myself looking up easy ways to kill myself today. I feel guilty for wishing myself dead. I have a beautiful son and it would be a wicked selfish thing to do. However I can't stop myself from wishing he was older so I could just do it and he would be ok.

I am struggling at work. I have an extremely stressful and responsible job. My job is made more difficult by a woman who consistantly bullies me. I feel like throwing in the towel, but I do love my work. I feel utterly miserable.

[BNLsMOM]

I have been having similar thoughts. I was able to talk to my T today and he offered such kind words of support to me. (and didn't threaten hospitalization to me) Do you have someone you can talk to?

[kitty004567]

I'm so sorry your depression is that bad. I second BNLsMOM's suggestion.. I hope you can find someone to talk to. Even if it's us here. But perhaps you should talk to your doctor. Is a med tweak in order?

[donut]

Thanks both

I have just started escitalopram 5mg. I have been taking it for three days and just feel worse. feel like hiding from the world.

[BNLsMOM]

It could be a med reaction. I have had that happen before. Can you contact the doctor who prescribed it to you?

[PT52]

It could definitely be a med reaction. Also, that's a pretty low dose...maybe you need an increased dosage. Just try to remember that you are strong enough to get through this. Talk to someone...if you need to, go to the emergency room.

I have a beautiful son, too, and a beautiful daughter. They're adults now, and (I expect) at the age you mean where they would be "ok". I am certain that there is never an age where they would be ok...and second, I am so glad I stuck around because now I have two beautiful grandsons and another one on the way.

As for the woman who bullies you, I can guarantee that she is jealous of you and has a very poor view of herself. I know this sounds off the wall, but it's true that she can only bully you if you let her. Take it from someone who was bullied for many, many years.

Sending you peaceful, soothing vibes...I hope they will help you as you find a way through this...

(((((donut!)))))
Is the escitalopram the only med you are on, or are you on a mood stabilizer as well?
Sending good thoughts your way ...

[donut]

Thanks everyone

I woke up this morning with such a feeling of dread. way past lunch time and I still haven't managed to get up. The house needs a clean and I can't muster the energy,

I am on lithium and quetiapine. 5mg is the usual starting dose for escitalopram. My do c is a bit cautious with antidepressants as they often send me nuts. One good thing- the escitalopram ruins appetite so I might actually lose some of the weight put on with quetiapine!

[madisgram]

donut are u seeing a T? often times depression can result from anger turned inward. knowing other things you have endured-abuse-and stuffing all those feelings can cause the depression to be worse. sending hugs your way.... depression is so difficult to deal with regardless of the cause.

[wing]

donut, I'm so glad you saw your dr for a med adjustment. It shows such good judgment for managing this depression you're feeling.

Antidepressants sent me manic, so my doctor put me on Abilify with my mood stabilizer. Abilify enhances the effect of antidepressants, so maybe it could help you. I was able to get off of them altogether.

I have to agree with PT, there is no "good" time for a child to lose a parent...no matter how poorly you feel your mothering is when depressed (that is a feeling I live with, too), every child needs their mother for as long as they live. He knows you don't feel well, and children are forgiving.

As for the bullying...when you're feeling better, can you talk to a supervisor about it? No one should be subjected to that at work, or anywhere else.

[donut]

Many thanks for all your kind replies.

I managed to get up eventually and have cleaned the house a wee bit. I couldn't face going to the shops so I am sitting up in bed with the cat curled up at my feet. I feel unbelievably sad.

I hope that you are all feeling OK?

[kitty004567]

I'm glad you're doing slightly better today. I so understand not being able to face shopping. Take care of yourself.

[blueoctober]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better donut. Good for you for doing a bit of cleaning. Would you be able to try for a short walk outside to get some fresh air?

[Ryask]

I'm glad your feeling a bit better that's great.I know there was times when i could not bring myself to clean up, or dress, or even brush my hair or shower, i know how that feels to be so sad you just want to lay down forever.You know what i found to be really comforting at those times? I would write in a journal, after getting some thoughts and feelings out i was able to make some goals. The goals may have been silly to others but a goal to shower when you have not is a good accomplishment. It makes you feel better to achieve the goals even though they are small compared to what other peoples goals might be. I felt so good after doing some of them, i cleaned up and dressed really nice, made a nice dinner for my husband and i felt really good about it. Maybe if your not doing so already you could see if a journal might be right for you?

[lonegael]

((((((((Donut)))))))) I hear it and it all sounds too familiar. First dear, I can only echo the others. They will never stop needing you, just how they need you will change.
Second, the bully will continue unil you somehow make it not worth her while to continue. Either make it boring or threatening. No, not necessarily "Make my day" threatening (though it does sound kind of interesting right now for me, says something about my state of mind!) but definitely not in her interest to continue. either because it will make her look bad or will result in action from a boss or others, etc. Since you know your work place, that will have to be up to you to explore those options. I really wish I could drop over and just hang out, maybe help with the house some. It goes easier when one doesn't have to do it alone. HUGGGGSSSSS!

[donut]

Thanks

I am setting myself small goals. During the week I have to get up for work. I am frightened of getting a poor record. I drag myself out of bed and into the shower each morning. Somehow at the weekend I fall apart. It takes so long to do anything.

My job tomorrow is to do the laundry. My washer is busted so it means a trip to the launderette. This will sap my energy. Then I will make some supper for the family.

[dayatatime]

Please try and hang in there for the sake of your son if nothing else. In 2005 I was terribly depressed without really knowing how bad it was( I was on antidepressents) and due to an argument with my husband and his walking out of the house, triggered a manic agressive suicide attempt which was almost successful. Luckily I freaked out at what I had done( a handful of 2 different types of pills with whiskey) and called my husband who wasn't far away. The paramedics were who saved me. I regret putting my son who was then 18 through that. I have used him as an excuse since he was little to keep living to be there for him. It doesn't stop even when they are older. He'll still need you. My son is 1200 miles away now-he's been at school 5 years and earned 2 degrees-but he still really loves me and wants to have access to me for advice or bouncing ideas off of or to talk about his girlfriend or dog. Your son needs you now and will need you later. I pray you find someone to talk to and get appropriate help. It's unfortunate about the work situation as that was part of my problem also. When your feeling desperate get a hug from your son or try real hard to call and bother someone to vent to. I totally understand where you are and pray you get past this point. I can't say it will be easier but you can do it one day at a time.

[sugahorse1]

You are breaking things down into small chunks, which is good.
I am in a similar boat to you - Also in a stressful job, and often get into such deep depression when i just want to throw in the towel. I too have researched the OD dosages for all my meds. But I'm too anxious to hurt my family and boyfriend and the few friends I have.

And at times you need to just actually look after yourself. Put other things on the back-burner. Even if it means taking a half-day off from work every now and again.

I've even been thinking about telling my company about my dx, but doubt it's going to be of any use. I told my colleague, as I felt it would affect our working relationship, but it's fallen on deaf ears - except when i finally snapped.

I hope things start looking up - we are here for you.