[rainingstarfire]

i posted this in the "new member introductions", but perhaps this wasn't the best first impression. Something about my late night melancholy (understatement of the year) bred free-flowing.... whatever this is. Anyway, I'm reposting it here in hopes that perhaps someone will relate.

i hate internet forums. They lack the tangibility of real life relationships. Yet, here I am, on bulletin board, overwhelmed with information on a subject I know so well, yet barely know at all.

I'm 27 years old, and it's been six years since i was diagnosed with bipolar II (or is that "as" bipolar II?). In that time, there have been therapists, medications, books, prayers, internet resources, and pretty supportive friends. And it seemed like everything was under control. So under control, that I knew how to cope and was doing fantastic without meds. God is truly good (and I mean that).

Yet, here I am. Not dealing so well with a depressive cycle even though the circumstances of my life are so blessed (and knowing that I am not justified in feeling so sad just perpetuates the despair). Wondering what I'm doing to the friends who have been so supportive and how not to hurt them or push them away. Trying to decide if therapy is even worth it- because it's certainly not going to cure the problem. Attempting to figure out where the disorder ends and I begin, and untangle the mess that is my brain, my soul, and my chemical imbalance. Never wanting to be on meds again, with their side effects robbing me of myself. Afraid my creativity depends on my messed-up brain. Struggling to keep up with responsibilities while appearing "normal" and questioning my ability to be successful with a lifetime of highs and lows. Suspecting that i am incapable of falling in love and having a family without destroying their lives, too. Wishing I knew someone who's walked ahead of me on this road, instead of trying to navigate it alone and without a map. Grasping at hope and only seeing a future full of the same issues- the futility of such a cycle.

The unanswered questions and depressing realizations seem infinite. Perhaps what I was really seeking when i stumbled upon this forum was just another voice, to not be alone (really, five posts before allowed in the chat room?). Or maybe assurance that i'm not crazy... or that crazy is still ok.

i have people that love me, and i would never discount how precious they are. But someone who understands..... that's something that seems so far from reality.

[FeelingHopeful]

RainingStarfire THANK YOU SO MUCH for this . Im on the other side as someone who loves someone who struggles with this and it is so great to hear the inside mind of someone who deals with this , Helps me understand more GOD BLESS YOU ! I know this cant be easy to talk about

[kitty004567]

I'm glad you decided to share. I think it's amazing that you built a support system and lived med free. If you decide to go back to medications remember you can always change them if there are too many side effects. Anyway, I understand what you're going through, depressed is never fun. There of lots of understanding people here. I hope this can be another tool in your toolbox to help yourself.

[ladyjrnlist]

I have been struggling with a severe depressive stage for about seven months. I got a brief respite in the form of a hypomanic episode one of those months. Take my word on this one, stop asking all those questions. It'll only make you feel bad. Take it as it is. Accept yourself and try to realize that bipolar does not have to run your life. I'm still working on that one myself, BTW.
If you over analyze it, the bipolar will feed off of that, especially the depression.
And if you need meds, it sounds like it will only be for a temporary amount of time. So, if that's what it takes to lift you out of the crap, go for it.
Just keep remembering how well you were and remind yourself you will be well again soon.
Hugs!

[blueoctober]

Welcome rainingstarfire; I agree with the others it is your choice whether you take medication and I agree that some of the medications can mute who we truly are.

For me the right combination of medication has helped me and I'm now the person I was supposed to be i.e. I'm not depression or the hypomanic episodes. It took time for me and my pdoc to find the right combo (3 years), but it was well worth the time.

I hope the depression lifts soon for you soon and you find this site supportive.

[rainingstarfire]

Thank you, guys. I do truly appreciate your thoughts.

[venusss]

Have you considered natural supplements? There are some that can be very helpful (and they do not mess with you). Good luck.

[Ryask]

While internet forums "lack tangibility of real life relationships" they actually have a different function. How honest can you be with everyone around you, your friends, your families, your doctors even? Why can't you be completely honest? because they may judge you , or hurt you, or they wont understand? That's what this place is for, this place is like talking to your best friend, your best friend who wont judge you or hurt you with ignorance because your friend feels the same way.

I see you making some automatic statements about how your feeling. The words we sometimes use make a big difference, and you know finishing thoughts is VERY important. I see you making statements but not really thinking about these statements with anything other then anxiety, you need to break them down take them one at a time. When you spew them all at once they seem overwhelming and impossible to change and i know that must be difficult for you. I can recommend something that has helped me if your interested.It's a bit of a bit of a guideline you may utilize in helping yourself answer some of these things for yourself. Here are the questions you can write down to help go through your automatic thoughts:

1)what evidence supports this idea?
2) what is the evidence against this idea?
3) is there an alternative explanation?
4)What is the worst thing that could happen?
5)Could i live through it?
6)Whats the best thing that could happen?
7)what is the most realistic outcome?
8)What is the effect of my believing my automatic thought?
9)what would be the effect of changing my thinking?
10) what should i do about it?
11) what would i tell_________(a friend) if he/she were in the same situation?

This has been a real help to me and I'm sure if you give it a try you will see that these feelings/thoughts do not have to envelop you, when each statement is questioned and studied in depth you can start to make decisions about how you really feel, and take steps towards challenging your automatic negative thoughts.Just some food for thought, I'm really glad you felt comfortable enough to come to PC and be honest about how your thinking or feeling, good for you, that's a great first step in feeling better! Please keep us posted about how your doing, and if you do try the questions let me know how it works for you, I'm really interested to see if these same things help others as much as they have helped me.

Best of luck,

Ryask

[PT52]

Hi rainingstarfire, I'm so sorry things are so bleak for you right now. I hope I can give you a little reassurance that it doesn't have to stay that way.

I went undiagnosed (and unmedicated) for 50 years. I didn't find my real soul mate until I was 39. We've been together 13 years and it looks pretty certain neither one of us is going anywhere.

At 50 I was misdiagnosed and was on Prozac for two years, the result that I was in a hypomanic phase for most of those two years.

At 52 I finally got a correct diagnosis. I take meds and it works well for me. But I did okay without them, too. Not great, but okay.

I have two wonderful, well-adjusted grown children, two beautiful grandbabies and another one on the way.

I haven't lost my creativity, but it doesn't come in flashes of brilliance anymore, either. It's a more structured and disciplined process. Which is good, because I have literally hundreds of story ideas written down from before that I was too unfocused to work on.

I guess my point is that everyone must find their own path, but be patient and don't despair, because there will be so many good things along the way, even if you're old like me .

[sugahorse1]

I'm sorry you're going through such a torrid time. I too use PC as part of my support system (I was given the thumbs up from my T too), but have made some really good and honest friends too. At times, PC has really saved my life. When I've been alone, with those awful thoughts cursing through my head, I can come to PC to find some support and someone no doubt will talk some sense into me.

I don't where Jackie ends and the Bipolar starts anymore, but I try just march forward. I have a very limited real-life support system, which at times can make things even harder and more lonely for me, but we need to push on.
I also get a great sense of achievement being able to help others.

Yo've definitely come to the right place if it's support and understanding you're looking for - there'll pretty much be at least one person on here 24/7