[Auqinu]

I say to myself how much it sucks to be bipolar, how unfair it is to have to live my life this way. Sometimes I wish so hard that I was not bipolar and that I could click my heals and go back to being somewhat sane, like before I was a teenager.
Then I wonder if I would even know myself if suddenly I was no longer bipolar.
The times when the thoughts are going through my head a million miles an hour and it seems like there is a traffic jam, I could do without. The irritability as well could gtfo.
But
When I'm good, I'm really good. I actually like myself, find myself funny and interesting and can go for days. Is this so freaken bad? Ok I don't want to be manic but I want things to be good. Trying to find some peace and still be ok at the same time, ie not bouncing off the walls in my mind, would be nice.
For me the depression side is my own personal hell, I know I'm there but I can't get out. If there were someone who could throw me a rope and pull me out that would be nice.
If I seem like I'm complaining, I'm sorry. I know it could be worse, I feel like I'm doing pretty good as I've been out of the hospital for almost 9 years when I spent the better part of the previous ten years hospitalized. I do cycle but it's fairly manageable.
The non functioning periods are also horrifying as I have children and I want them to be affected by my mental illness as little as possible Trying to still be "mom" and hiding this makes things harder.
I'm so freaken happy I found this place, you can ignore me if I talk to much and I'll never feel the rejection.
I took a psychology class in college and for one of the projects we had was to take your weaknesses and find a way to view them as a positive. I've tried to live a lot of my life this way since then. Emphasis on tried. The positive side of being bipolar has eluded me.
Bipolar is teh suck

[laur88]

Welcome Auqinu! So glad you found PC - I've found it to be a really great place for support and understanding!

As for feeling that bipolar sucks, I know how you feel. It can be so frustrating! One (potentially) positive side of bipolar is that there are highs and that one can use them to get things done. I love the good highs (the ones where I'm not out of control). Just know that there are people who know how you feel (if that helps!)

[Skully]

Hello and welcome!

I understand how you feel. But, I do feel a lot better since I have been diagnosed because now I have medication and can be "normal" again. I think back to the times when I was not medicated and some of the things I did and said to those I loved. But I couldn't help it at the time. I hate the mood swings and being iritable which still happens despite good medication. But thank goodness it doesn't happen that often!

[blueoctober]

Hi Auqinu and Welcome. I wouldn't wish bipolar on my worst enemy and I don't think I will ever say that I'm glad I have BP. In saying that since being diagnosed in 2007 I have gotten better at managing it, but unfortunately it will never go away. I hope you find this site supportive.

We also have a BP Social Society. The link is in my signature if you would like to join.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by Auqinu

... The positive side of being bipolar has eluded me.
Bipolar is teh suck

Welcome, Auqinu.

Please don't ever feel that you can't share something on PC. We're here for each other.

Lots of things about bipolar are really tough, and we could do without them (which is why we take meds), but there are things I miss when on my meds. There is an intensity and depth to experiences that few people can comprehend unless they have been there as bipolars.
There is a depth of compassion that many of us have for others because of (not in spite of) our bipolar experiences.

Bipolar may be painful, but it is definitely not without its blessings.

Hope to see a lot more of you here on PC.

TS

[Trippin2.0]

Bipolar may be painful, but it is definitely not without its blessings.

I agree with TS, I have lots of experiences to be thankful for, and I firmly believe that they wouldn't have been as intense or as beautiful, had I not been Bipolar♥

That being said; Welcome Auqinu to our PC family!
I hope you find PC Bipolar members to be supportive and empathetic just as I have!

[sugahorse1]

HI and welcome.
I hope you find this site as supportive, informative and loving as I have. It's a path we walk together, leaning on others at times, and at other times carrying others. There's a lot to be learnt, but this path can be made managable.

I'm sorry about the hard times you are going through. It's even harder when you have to keep a smile on your face for the sake of your kids. You seem like a strong person - keep it up xx