Mood OK; functioning not

BNLsMOM, here's the deal: I don't know what the values are like in your family, but my parents will do anything for my kids (the grandkids), and they will probably do anything for me, but I am too ashamed to ask for it, so for a long, long time I was/am an angry person a lot of the time around them--because they're so nice and I'm always needing, needing, needing/taking, taking, taking. My kids have the best daycare imaginable, because of my parents, and my husband has help if he needs it. I was in and out of hospitals a couple of time, face down and zoned out in my bed a lot (especially every med change), I read a lot to escape anything/everything, etc. (No TV, because any sharp noises sent me over the edge).

My life has, in many ways, been possible because my parents were willing to make the choice to spend time helping and being there to love the kids when I was a zombie and my husband was working hard.

Your parents want to help. Think of this as letting them help. Life is so uncertain, I am positive , they will be sad the rest of their lives for the choice they made to "do what you wanted" and go on vacation when what would have made the most difference in the world was to help you, the grandchildren they love, and your husband, who deserves this extraordinary and generous kindness.

Parents can be amazing people. It is beautiful to let them rise to the occasion. I hope I will be able to do so for my children some day. It seems so impossible--I am not the person my mother or my father is...but I will do the best I can. I am sure you do, too. You have a condition. It is difficult to live with. It is not your fault. And the things that happen to you, the way you feel, the fears you have while you cope with it are very, very difficult. That's all. It means that life looks a certain way sometimes. And so it does. Other times it will look different. They all know that by now, and they will share the good times, too.

Much love to you as you work through this. I wish I could be there to hold you, give you big hugs, wait this out with you. ((((BNLsMOM))))

Tell them that you need them. Let them help. Let people love you. They want to.

I'll talk to them tomorrow. I know they want to help and the other thing that makes me hesitate taking their help is that they have my grandmother who is 89 and has dementia living with them. She goes down to Florida too and has her own apartment in my parents' building. Every year we wonder if it will be her last year to go.

I just have a lot of guilt about this.

(((BNLsMOM))) Very valuable choices to be made here....If you can do it, I think you should talk to your parents about what you need, and ask them to talk to you about what they think your grandmother's needs are, too...so that everything is on the table for them. It's a family...I am so glad you have such support.
....a group hug just seems appropriate....

I printed out pieces of my posts and gave them to T. Only my posts, and no one's responses. He is going to call my p-doc on Monday so we can discuss. I think he is troubled by what I shared and thinks that some more psychopharm intervention is necessary. He can't prescribe, but I think he wants to discuss some big guns in terms of antipsychotics.

I'll be safe over the weekend because I don't any time alone, really, and the short time I do have alone, I am pretty sure I can handle.

As far as my parents go, we are going to think of ways to let them know that I can't share every detail with them and figure out ways to work out their offers, my needs and how we can all get what we want and need in the situation.

A bit of good news to share... I made it to the church fair today to help my son sell earrings that we made in honor of his grandma who died in September of cancer. I was so proud of him. That has lifted my mood for the time being.

WOW, BNLsMOM, I'm really glad to read this post. I'm glad to hear that your T is moving on this, and I loved hearing about the church fair earrings sales.

Today is a good day. I went to church (Unitarian Universalist) and there was a ceremony for new members which I was a part of. We just joined. The sermon that the minister spoke to me today as well. I really needed that.

I even managed to finish the Hanukkah shopping for my kids, sister and mom. (we are having our hanukkah party tonight)

I would like this feeling to last. It is nice to not be in the dark today.

It was nice today. Now tomorrow looms.

It can be every bit as good as today.

Holding thumbs tomorrow is as positive as the previous day. You seem to have made some decisions and been quite productive. I'm proud of you. I know there can be nothing worse than just feeling like you're not coping.
I look forward to your next update. I'm also so happy to hear how involved your T is getting (((HUGS)))

I get like that too and doc told me I was mildy depressed. I hope you are feeling better

Still hanging in... Just in a sort of limbo waiting to hear what the next move will be in my treatent.

I am SO glad to have found this thread! For at least the last 6 weeks I have been in this very state with no reason (still there now but for the moment I have reasons...). My T is furious that I "won't" tell her whats wrong. My Pdoc doesn't have an opening until Feb (I am on the cancilation list) but tells me as long as I am not suicidal to just wait out the storm. I am not at risk of harm but part of me does believe I may need to go inpatient again as I cannot maintain daily living... However, as things stand right now I have no one that can take my son and I will lose custody of him if I go in. My insurance is not wanting to pay for the higher dose of meds so I am having to use samples when I can or pay out of pocket.

Is this what it feels like to be on an antidepressant (Wellbutrin) when you would normally be sui?

I am often quite Sui - I have started Wellbutrin and would be over the moon if it would help with these urges. At the same time, I don't want to live like a zombie and have 0 motivation.

@BNL - Let us know what plan they come up with around your treatment xx

I have been on it for a while now although they just increased my dose. I was a little foggy the first couple of days but then it lifted and has been OK until recently. I am not having sui thoughts but have no energy or motivation. This is a little earlier in the year than when I usually get sui but given the last year it could just be early... Last year sucked! ready for 2011!

So I am back to feeling like my mood is OK, but not great, and my functioning is declining again. I am getting confused and having a hard time expressing myself verbally. I just had a conversation with my husband on the phone that was part gibberish.

Are you having side effects from meds affecting your concentration and making your thinking fuzzy???

I am not sure. I was having terrible side effects that put me in a fog and made me sick, but my p-doc went down on my dose of that med (depakote) and I feel like I am a little clearer. I am having a hard time keeping track of things. I thought I sent my husband a text that I later was referrinf to in our phone conversation, but since I didn't send the text, he had no idea what I was talking about. That derailed me and then I kind of blanked out for a moment and just made some sounds until I thought of something to say.

The other thing that makes me lose my memory is stress or depression... sometimes a mild depression can be hard to pick, just an overall feeling of lack of motivation, lack of energy, unclear thoughts.... maybe you could discuss with your doctor adding something like lamotrigine that has some antidepressant effect as well as mood stabilising...

We are using Seroquel for that purpose. I don't find myself getting drowsy on Seroquel, so I don't think it is affecting my thinking. I am also having a hard time typing. I am making way more typos than I used to. This is relatively new, within the last few days. I tried lamotrigine a while back and I was allergic to it. Too bad because I have heard such good things about it.

So, your most likely candidates are meds (both of which could cause drowsiness) or depression/anxiety (discuss adding in an SSRI or additional antidepressant)
Other than that you can look at things like hypothyroid, anaemia, iron, vit D. it would be worth while testing to rule them out
You can also add in a multivitamin, eat well and make sure you drink enough, small amaounts of exercise regularly... I really fell like I'm channeling my sister who is a nutritionist and naturopath ...
If this is really affecting you quality of life, you should discuss it with your doctor and don't let up till things are improved

OMG BlackPup, if you are not channeling your sister then you are channeling my massage therapist who said almost the exact same thing to me today!

My anxiety is at a 10 today. Good thing I see my T in 30 minutes. I was going to say something else, but the anxiety crowded it out.

How'd it go with your T?

Not sure. He usually helps me to relax. Just his energy and demeanor is relaxing and he helps me see that things I might be worried about may be smaller than I might think.

However, I saw a very sad thing on the way home from his office. There was a chocolate lab dog lying in the street surrounded by worried looking people. It looked like he had been hit by a car. I drove home as fast as I could and grabbed a blanket. By the time I got back there people were leaving, so I asked someone what had happened and she said the owner picked the dog up and took him to the vet. My heart broke for that dog and I hope he will be OK.

It did, however, bring my anxiety back up.

Labs are resilient. Even with a 6ft privacy fence with an electric wire ours got out several times and was actually hit twice. We used to call him the bionic dog because he had so many implants and stuff. He lived a long, happy, pain free life... It was a heart attack in his sleep at a ripe old age that took him.
hope it helps