:(((((

I'm feeling awful. Filled with dread and sadness I am so sick of life and its crap and I am sick of this feeling that keeps coming back again and again. I go along feeling fine and then BAM a huge dose of sadness slaps me in the face laughing at my attempt to be happy.

I was sitting watching tv this evening and wondered.... WHY ME? All my life I have struggled with neglect, abuse and self hate not to mention a hatred for this world and the people in it.

It is so hard to love this ugly, selfish, relentless world in which I don't belong.

I sometimes will on old age and death. I fear that's the only time I will ever feel peace. So it makes me wonder.... why the hell do I want to keep doing this. Its just too hard and too painful. I'm too sensitive and cant handle the slightest mental knock. All somebody has to do is look at me wrong and I am convinced I'm worthless. Yes my natural reaction is to be angry at people for it.... but ultimately, I understand the problem lies with me.

I am just one big horrible ugly worthless problem.

Natures reject.

allme; you aren't worthless. The illness is lying to you. Some people have more struggles in their lives than others. It's not fair.

Do you have a therapist you can talk to? Is there something that you can do that would normally bring you joy?I hope the depression lifts soon for you.

It sucks to be bipolar, it's not fair /hugs.
I do sometimes write, my favorite thing of the day, at the end of the day. I guarantee looking at it that way, you will find something. Even if it was a crappy day you can find your favorite part of your crappy day. Talking really helps. You need to talk. I find that it helps the traffic jam lesson in your brain. If you need someone to talk to please pm me. I can talk for hours, I have the gift for babble. I can listen as well. Know you are not alone in how you are feeling and that sooner then you think your feelings should change

allme!!! Hope you can feel better soon. Can relate. You know... see if this makes sense to you...I think of this disorder, in its depressive state as being two voices. The one telling lies keeps having a negative and opposite response to any reasonable thing the small voice says, just beating it down till it's hard to believe anything else. But that bully big voice is LYING. Oh how very convincingly logical it seems, but it's not! It's something I'm struggling with now too, you are not alone. The worst I ever had it was before this realization hit, but realizing this now helps some to keep in perspective why this is a disorder. If this can help at all...

AND you dance with your doggie! He's nature.

And you know... the problem of being angry with people does not always ultimately lie with you, ya know? Sometimes people really are jerks! Maybe this is completely inappropriate, but here goes. I LOVE the tv program The IT Crowd. In one episode, one of the characters is trying to encourage a couple of the people to meet some new people despite their skepticism, pointing out that they haven't met everyone, right? One character (in a lovely Irish accent, btw) says, "People. What a bunch of bastards." Cannot even express how I love that line, because I have a really really hard time dealing in the world too. But then I think of all the people here and how supportive and wonderful they are. Loved music, art, pets, comedy, whatever floats one's boat...Definitely helps round out my generally dim view of the world. You are definitely NOT worthless!!!

For example, even just tonight... I've been really struggling lately, right? And your simply mentioning dancing with your doggie brought a smile and a rush of sweetness to my heart -- that is a precious rarity that YOU brought to me. Thank you so much! Not worthless. Not at all.

I hope things improve really quickly for you. Just know that this is not YOU - this is the BP talking. I know it's hard to discern, but you know yourself. I hope you can discuss this with both your pdoc and T - your pdoc may be able to adjust some meds

awwww thanks guys..... really thanks! Feeling blah... anxiety hitting me alot at night time... really miss my zopiclone. Been off em for a month but since then, I havent slept well. I usually shut down around 4 or 5am and dont get out of bed until 2-3pm. Ughhhhh