Hate my decision!

On Monday, my T gave me the option of hospitalization or IOP. I went today. I had a panic attack the second I arrived. I tried to leave. They got my treatment team together, sat me down, and basically told me that it was either this program or off to the hospital.

I shut down when I was there. I do not want to participate in groups. When I was asked questions, I said nothing. I literally sat with my head in my hands the whole time.

The pdoc in the program thinks that I am Bipolar I. She prescribed Lamictal, Klonopin, and Sonata. She wants to take the Lamictal slowly. She said that I was "in a very serious condition", but that the hospital offers no therapy, and I wouldn't be better off when I came out. Also, she said that the one hospital that my insurance covers is not a good fit for me. She said that it is full of people with drug/alcohol issues. I hated that hospital and did not feel safe there, but I don't feel safe here either.

I just don't want to go back. I cannot deal with groups. I hate the damn groups.

A huge part of me wants to go into the hospital so that I can completely shut-down (sleep, not eat, not move). I cannot do that at home with the kids. A huge part of me wants to down the assorted meds that I have collected so that I am done with this crap forever.

I have cried more today than I have in a long, long, time.

It is difficult, but all you have to do is show up. Eventually the meds will start to kick in, and maybe you will hear something in group that resonates. (((hugs)))

You are being so strong.

(((((Irishgirl)))))

Hey hun, sending you HUGE supportive hugs

I think if you're having those kind of thoughts, you really need to go through the support system of the professionals. You mentioned that you have kids..... let them be the inspiration you need to carry on. Dont let the bp trick u into thinking you cant do this... because you can!

As with the past, you will come through this

I understand how you feel and know it can be very very hard to see through the mist but hang on in there ....... and keep posting posting posting. So much better to express your feelings than keeping em in.

Luv and healing hugs ...... stand tall, walk tall... you WILL get through this sweetie

Irishgirl, I am so glad to hear the steps you're taking. Keep showing up as you are--to the team, to the treatment, to the group, for your kids, for yourself.
Huge hugs!

I think that what they are talking about in group just hasn't reached you yet...like the posters before me who have great ideas, the groups, they won't help if you do not try to become part of that group. Maybe you can speak up and direct the group in a direction you can relate to?

No recovery happens overnight either. Sleeping in bed? Just bed head and some kids that require your loving attention.

Why not keep posting while you are going through this day program in order to give you encouragement and emotional support?

Sending your safe, theraputic hugs!

I'm so glad you made the decision to reach out and ask for help. Right now I cannot see myself doing group therapy either. But I think you've come so far, just keep showing up and trying to listen. Eventually something will hit home, and you'll feel comfortable to voice your feelings too.

The path to healing is long and painful - no-one will deny that. But we are here to walk right next to you. Please keep posting and keep us updated.

The Lamictin will take a while to work, as it needs to be titrated up very slowly. Klonopin will be great for the anxiety

(HUGS)

Keep posting hon, you're taking the right steps, for you AND your kids.

We're all here if you need some cheerleaders!!!

Give it time. As your meds start to kick in, the groups will start making more sense for you. Just be there and absorb what you can for now.

It took me two weeks to get into the groups in IOP. I also sat quiet for days on end. Eventually, something will strike your interest and you'll find yourself talking a bit. The meds will help too. Lamictal has to be phased in, so give it some time to work. HUGS!

Really glad you are getting help... hope that the drugs start working and give you the strength to get through the challenges of therapy, it is never easy... here is a to get through group! and get rid of those meds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I"m so happy that you're there and getting help!! I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way!!

Irish girl, what you are going through right now is one of the hardest times. You have handed over your existance to tohers, your meds aren't working yet, and you are bound to be feeling really bad, in part from that which is supposed to help you. The others are right, HOLD OUT! SEE IT THROUGH! It will take a while for things to start working and until then you will rpobably feel like you want to die. DON*T. We have been there, dear. And come out the other side, some of us many times. We are all thinking of you dear and holding you gently in our heart right now. Take each moment as it comes. Don't worry about the next, this one has enough to worry about. Safe, warm and compassionate HHHHHUUUUUGGGGGGSSSSSSS from someone who has been there. You are on the way. It just doesn't feel that way yet. Takes a long time for the train to pull away from the station.

I hope things are better. Hang in there and keep trying!
(((irishgirl4)))

sending you vibes of strength and determination....also wisdom so that you can see how strong you already are. Hang in there; it will get better.

How are you feeling today, Irishgirl?

Hope things are looking up - keep it up

Sending you positive vibes while you go through the program. That and great big hugs...one for each day you go through your program.