[Mr. Radio]

I am worried I may never return to my old self. One that was filled with words and confidence. The first time I became manic it turned into a psychotic break in the form of psychosis. Since that time it seems as if my brain has never fully recovered. It's been 4 months and I still don't talk much. I feel as if I lost my character and all the different words I use to use as metaphors, imagery, and to describe a story or situation. It's quite simple, I can't talk like I use to. No where on the internet I have found anything to describe what I'm experiencing. They all say that I will get better. No progress has been made. Any advice or similar experiences?

[unaluna]

I and some other people here have talked about losing our sense of humor, and then the joy we feel when it returns. It's a certain spark in the brain that can't be forced. 4 month s out is nothing, unfortunately. Are you on meds? That will also slow you down.

[Mr. Radio]

Originally Posted by hankster

I and some other people here have talked about losing our sense of humor, and then the joy we feel when it returns. It's a certain spark in the brain that can't be forced. 4 month s out is nothing, unfortunately. Are you on meds? That will also slow you down.

By "4 months out is nothing," do you mean that recovery from psychosis is a long process that can make sudden shifts in well being?

[faerie_moon_x]

I think soemtimes you lose things and they come back with your healing. And then it cycles.

Sometimes I lose my ability to write. And it can last a long time, months and months. Sometimes over a year. It seems to be a cycle just like mania and depression. It is frustrating and I know I tend to get upset and complain about it.

[winter4me]

If you are on meds, and from your description it sounds as though you would be, talk to the prescriber, and to someone else---T?
Yes. It can take a long time, when your world comes completely undone, it is difficult to regain (and you will not regain it in the same old way, it will be altered, just as your perception of childhood experiences changes with age and experience) the trust in yourself (and sometimes others) you once had, hey you thought at some level as we all do when young------invincible.
I came undone in my late teens, early twenties,no tx---not then---I have never been the same person, but in some ways (60 now) I think I am a better, if still troubled person, with lots of ups and downs, good times, confident times, times of doubt----------------it comes slow. It's like being in a head on collision.
Give yourself time, and permission; practice listening...do things you get pleasure out of, small or large, ---acknowledge your uncertainty. You are not alone....................

[Mr. Radio]

Is this a make due with what I have now? Or expect that things will return from intermission?

[BadGirlBlues]

Darlin', all I can tell you is that it took me about a year to get back m ymojo (as far as vocabulary and reaching for words) after my first real psychotic break.

IMO, your job is to keep working w your docs, and keep on keeping on.

[Dylanzmama]

Ugh-3 years for me and I am the opposite of who I used to be....still. Meds have been a challenge, I'm trying to hang in there...

[Rainbow123]

Give it about two years, that's how long it took me to recover my words. Most likely you'll get better. I could hardly talk for month after month.

[Rainbow123]

If you live in a state with involuntary committment laws, make sure even if you forgot your words to try to say normal things around people like "hi, how are you?" and "that is a nice shirt you got on." Then you can pass for normal. It's important not to get committed uncecessarily, only if you are like dying should you get committed. Otherwise just continue to do what makes you less sick. Find what makes you less sick.

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by Mr. Radio

Is this a make due with what I have now? Or expect that things will return from intermission?

This is a new beginning. Things will return but not in the same way---joy will be----sometimes, we just have to go through the motions "as if" until the feelings return---and there is nothing wrong with this
It is not "faking" it is practicing, as you would any thing you want to be good at------------just be sure you also have a place to express the struggles too-------------(you might try some non-verbal expression, using paint, collage, a torch to cut up old metal (my ex once got great pleasure in cutting up an old car, and ended up with one piece of "work" that still hangs on a friend's wall...)

This is not an intermission is all I want to say, you are still in motion, in life...

[catsrhelm]

After my break, it took me a year to find my words, and I had to do it in a private journal. It took me another six months before I could admit to myself that I was bi-polar. I think the timing is different for different people.

[Mr. Radio]

Sounds as if a lot of people have lost their words and had them return. Is it something that happens suddenly or slowly? I am at this point desperate to find my old self again. One, that I was very proud of. Now I just feel like I'm trapped with nothing really to say. Any one else have this feeling?

[Tom_X]

I've had three psychotic breakdowns, all of them drug-related (cannabis). While I didn't acknowledge the first one as such when it happened, I can now tell that it was, at the very least, a manic episode.
I know exactly how you are feeling right now. Although everybody's different, from my experience I can tell you to do your best to not think much about your "old self". I became "wordless" too, specially after the second break, from which I had to be hospitalised.
Things change, man, they do. Something good I can tell you is that with continued effort, things DO get better. About a year and a half after my second break, I was starting to feel confident again, but, most importantly, I was learning to accept my new self for what I had become. Then I made the mistake of smoking pot again and, once more, I got addicted to it. A few months later, I decided to quit, and the psychosis returned with twice the strength of the previous break. I was hospitalised in march, this year, and I'm still struggling to feel better.
My main concern right now is anhedonia. I'm not taking any antipsychotic meds right now, only a mood stabiliser, and I'm good as far as psychotic symptoms go.
My advice, in a nutshell, two years from my first diagnosed psychotic break, is to let your "old self" die in order for your new self to be born.
Psychosis is an illness no one choses to have, but you can choose to accept and embrace whatever changes it may have led on you.
Take care!

[Peeps]

I can so relate to this post. I've always been a "talker"... and also worked as a freelance writer. Four year ago I had a "breakdown". Since then, I've struggled to find the right combination of meds to combat my depression (due to Bipolar II). Somewhere along the way, I lost my words. Not just my ability to write and talk, but also the way I think. Words simply elude me. I have discussed this issue with my T but at this time, she feels it's more important to get my depression under control.... she feels that my lesser symptoms will have to be addressed later. It's frustrating. A few years ago, I grieved my lost words in a really physical way but after four years, I have kind of gotten used to the idea that I might never be the same.

I genuinely hope this is not the case for you. There's no reason to think your words will not come back. This is just my experience. (I'm REALLY sorry if my comment was a downer.)

it's almost like dealing with post traumatic stress syndrome due to the psychosis, right? that's the best way I can describe it. some of it will always stay with you, it changes a person. but you will come back out, sooner or later. and when you do, you will just be that much the wiser.

good luck!

[intergalactictraveler]

1990-1991 went off the rails after my dad died. DX: rapid cycling bipolar. Hospitalized@the NIMH, stabilized, got a girlfriend(now my wife), meds stopped working, tried others but essentially stable, worked for 13 years in a high stress job and in late 2004 went off the rails, again, but never recovered. Tried nearly two dozen meds. Slowly went from a man who was confident and self-assured to someone I don't recognize, but I keep trying to find the 'key' that will reboot my broken brain and endocrine system. Not a cure but some protocol that will give me back my mojo. I agree with winter4me's advice. Go to YouTube and put in 'Great Day To Be Alive' by Travis Tritt. Daryll Scott, who wrote the song, sounds like he lived through his own dark journey.

[pink&grey]

I've read that manic phases can change your brain. I imagine that could affect your speech. I had "functional dysarthia" for 6 days recently. Basically couldn't get my words out - I stammered on words and couldn't form complete sentences. Internally I didn't want to talk, or felt like a shouldn't - hard to explain. Went through all sorts of tests and it was deemed it was from my mood disorder. 3 days of dosing myself up with Klonopin and sleeping a ton finally made it go away. Anyway, my point is that the brain affects our mood and extreme moods can affect our brain which can cause real issues. I hope it gets better for you soon.

[Mr. Radio]

Intergalactictraveler, listening to the song now, pretty good, thanks. Tom_X, sounds like you've been through some hell man. My thoughts go out to you. I'm struggling to let my old self die because I was so proud of it. I suppose it will all come in time. So many great posts here. I feel more at peace because, I finally found people that can relate with this feeling. I think the best thing I can do is live the best I can and stop mourning the loss of my old self. This is a chance for me to start over. Change my mood to a more positive one and hope for the best. If it comes back then hell yea, if not then learn to confident and self assured with what I do have. Peepshowgirl, I hope that we both get better sooner than later. Good luck to you.