Picking up the pieces of my dignity

I recently had a mixed manic episode whilst at work.I completely lost it in a meeting and screamed and shouted at a colleague whilst everyone looked on in horror. Of course I was signed off sick. `

I am back to work and people have been OK.I however am really scared.I am a professional who works with vulnerable people. This means attending court and professionals meetings. My fear is; what if I lost it in court? I am really worried about losing it and losing my job. I am feeling so anxious.

I also fear I have been inappropriate to my doc (see other thread).

donut, I'm sorry that happened at work. My suggestion would be if you are feeling like you're in a mixed or manic episode to not go into work. I do still go to work when I'm depressed, but a full blown manic episode in a professional setting is probably very hard to do. To keep track of how you're doing if you aren't already I would suggest tracking your mood and journalling. I use this online one: http://www.medhelp.org/land/mood-tracker Do you currently see a therapist? That has helped me to recognize when I'm unwell and to improve my coping skills.

Was there something that had been out of the ordinary that triggered the episode? If not I would suggest seeing your Psychiatrist to discuss a med and/or dose change.

You can definitely still do your job, but you also can't ignore your health. Take care of yourself.

Yor dignity is yours, donut, and do not consider it shattered.
Do,'t your colleges know that you were sick?
I would think that knowing the experience futher qualifies you to work with vulnerable people.
You are an important person. Stay on!

Thanks both for replies.

I am glad people have been ok since you returned. Take that at face value and keep going forward. Easier said than done I know but I think we end up being harder on ourselves than others are on us.

Donut, I'm sorry about what happened. I know what it feels like to have had a mini-meltdown at work and it took a few weeks of being back in control before I felt confident again. It was an isolated incident that you can learn from. Hold your head high and take care of yourself.
Abilify helped me a lot with may anger and mixed episodes. Perhaps it would work well for you.

I'm sorry to hear what you went through. I sometimes lose it at work too, but have never been booked off sick and just try carry on as if nothing happened.
It can be hard though. I agree with Beth - rather not come in to work if you are feeling too depressed or anxious or manic. You are sick... there's nothing wrong with taking a day off to care for yourself

Thanks for posts everyone

Trouble is that I completely lose insight when Unwell and donot realise I am unwell.Ijust think everyone are a bunch of ******! I become rather arrogant and rude, and just expect people to be at my bidding.

I'm sorry Donut! That's really frustrating. I've been known to throw pillows and scream at the top of my lungs when I get in a mixed state... yikes!

It's hard to control things like that. I would definitely use the moodtracker that Blue suggested - then you can have better insight into whether or not you are in a good place emotionally.

((((((Donut)))))))

(((Donut)))

It is ok to have a bad day at work. And don't worry about what the others think, the only opinion that matters is yours!

I know you feel horrible about what happened but you really had no control over it at the time. Don't beat yourself up over it, it has happened to all of us. I too have done the same thing and I worked with the mentally disabled. I had many incidents trust me! But you pick up the pieces and move on. It will get better and I am sure your pdoc understands how you are with him/her at times. They understand the nature of the affliction.

I sure hope things get better for you soon

Does it help if you track your mood and/or journal. I find that really helps me catch the early signs. Have you considered seeing a therapist?

I'm sure all of us can relate I don't know what country you're in, and I might be asking a question you've already answered, but have you told your employer what causes the meltdowns? And do you have legal protection because of your disorder?

It's good that you have insight to when you don't have insight - even if you don't recognize it at the time. Lots of hugs and hope things are better today.

Thank you every one for kind replies.