i hate my self

i hate my self. my mind. it plays tricks on me, and constantly reminds me i am alone in this world.

i cant believe it. i don't want to believe my own mind; it's lying to me.

oh god, i feel so alone. i feel so cold, and numb, and despair; is it going to get better... ? i hate swinging. this weird empty numbness to the world. i wonder if i can even feel. i should find out some how... my heart feels heavy and it feels closed off to me. i cant feel my heart.

i hate this miserable life. i hate it all.

Hi CRose,

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way right now. I found a couple things online that you might like to read, this is an article with steps you can take to begin loving yourself and I think it had some good suggestions http://www.wikihow.com/Love-Yourself

Then, as a follow-up I found this, a couple of reasons why it's important to love yourself.

o People and things will come and go in your life. But You have yourself for the rest of your life, you will never be able to escape from yourself, so it's a good idea to get along well and establish a loving relationship with the person you will live with for the rest of your life.
o If you love and treat yourself well, you will be able to set boundaries and people won't have the power to hurt you. Because if you don't hurt yourself, why would you allow others to hurt you, mistreat you or abuse you?
o When you love and accept yourself with your virtues, as well as your flaws, you are able to go through life being YOU, freely and genuinely, without the burden of acting, pretending or wearing masks. You are authentic and you will attract people similar to your true self.
o When you love yourself, you realize that you don't "need" anyone or anything to fulfill you or make you happy. There is no gap to fill. If you love yourself you feel whole and joyful, either when you are alone or around people. That way, you seek company of others because you want to share who you are, not because you depend on others to make you feel good. People will enjoy your presence because you irradiate joy from within.
o When you love and respect the person you are, you are more likely to develop healthy relationships with others. Your relationships with others are a reflection of the relationship that you have with yourself. Take a look!
o Loving yourself is taking responsibility of your own life and happiness. Your decisions, choices feelings, emotions, are yours and nobody else's. Your life is what you make of it; your relationships are what you make of them. There is no need to blame others for our pain or misery; we are not victims.
o When you love yourself, sharing becomes a natural flow. You irradiate joy and powerful energy from inside and people perceive that. People with similar energies are attracted naturally to you.
o Loving yourself allows you to be who you want to be and not what others expect you to be. When you love yourself you know what you deserve and you respect your desires, needs and wants and don't settle for less.
Does it sound like a good deal to love yourself?

Hugs Cesario Rose!! I dont want you to hate yourself, A Big Hug to you!

i hope the world withers and dies.

i don't deserve to live as a monster in this stinking world. i HATE THIS EXISTENCE.

Well, in the first place, I'm pretty certain you're not a monster. I kind of hope the world doesn't wither and die because I know that the darkness will eventually end. I hope you know that, too. Look at the people in your life. Focus on just one person, someone who loves you. Mom, dad, friend, brother, sister...pick one. Keep your focus on them until the darkness passes. Borrow their light until yours shines again.

And don't ever, ever forget that you are loved.

Well, it's a new day. i'm still depressed, but it's of lesser intensity then last night's episode of major depression, and rage; i at first was sad at my self for being such a monster and not approaching the friends. Then sad that if i had, what would i say; i'd say mean things from being irritable. Then i started to victimize my self becasue they ignored me. Even though I ignored them. I then started to feel an uncontrollable rage come on; it was mild at first and controllable... But it spiraled out of control in short time, and i was in full blown "i'm angry at the world, everything, and all that could ever be. and worst at all, if i had not gone to the safe place, i would have turned that rage inward to my self because often when i'm in severe depression, i believe i am a monster and the worst being in existence. Which i fear could have ended badly for me.

Bi Polar depression is intense uphill battle, filled with many turns that turn you away; many lies and half truths. You fight it blind, and, often alone. It doesn't need to be alone; but in depression, all you can think about is how alone you are, and how abandoned you are. And your mind reinforces that by playing off your fears.

i woke up in tears from this,

i was down town. at dusk/night. i ws grabbing some dinner for my self. i can see everything clear as day in the dream; cars, people, buildings' very vivid. i interact with a few people, and i decide to get some pizza, so i get a few slices. on my way back to my car, i see the friends with a group of people. they see me, too, but do nothing. i hear their conversation, it's about going to see a movie, and how up beat they all are about it. i wave, and they turn their back, and continue to the movie theatre.

it's this sort of thing that my mind does. it plays tricks on me, and my fears. it makes me not want to be friends with anyone when i'm in full blown depression mode.

glad things are a bit better...lots of hugs to get thru the rest..

thanks a lot.

I feel that way sometimes too, and it's awful. The thinking is so distorted and negative. But it changes -- today I'm fine. Your demons will give you a break too ... coming on here and talking about it helps a great deal.

God bless

CRose, I hope you continue to feel better every day. Hugs to you

I started on Lamitcal in addition to Lithium, and it seems to be doing okay already. But we'll see over the net week or two.

just wanted to edit my post. i have a declaration!
I am beginning to feel my long-sightedness I once enjoyed slowly come back to me. I have some professional ambitions lined up in the next few months that i am looking forward to. I have a vague notion where I want my career to go; and I think I kind of know how to go about getting it. I know I want to see, and experience the world, and it's languages and it's cultures.


Living in the now just isn't working. I need to take charge again. Depression cant rule my life. I cant let the perils of mania scare me, and i am not going to let the frustration and confusion of mixed episodes conquer my resolves.


TIME TO TAKE CHARGE

No one can hold me back now. No illness will hold me back now. I resolve to that!