I dont know...

So as many of you probably remember i went off meds a while back...and had several mini...crisis..i don't know if i posted them all..it just seems things happen and i can't deal when off medication. So i had been starting up again..very gradually, i was on 30mg before i went off...and then went to 10mg...i found...crisis still happened..and was able to deal kinda...and the insomnia and hypomania were really...much milder...but i was feeling the depression kicking in...and so i upped it to 20mg. I'm hypo-manic....and i'm not sleeping...and i just got a performance review..at work....and ..i...pretty much...freaked out...i mean i wrote three pages of..just raw emotion about how unfair the company was...and i mean...i dont know what to do...i'm fairly certain i can be fired for it..and i knew it while writing but i was so mad...now the problem lies in the fact..that as much as i hate to admit it...i kinda need the job...because i am petrified...of getting a new job...interviews...working with..people..i would rather kill my self then get another job...so i don't know why i did that...but it's too late..it's written..and handed in..i can't take it back...i wish i could just take a break from work...but...thats almost as bad as getting a new job..because when i go back after my break they might change my shifts..or..i dunno..it might force me...plus i am paying for my school out of pocket...so...i need money coming in....so if i did take a break it would have to be medical leave....but thats not permanent..and i dont know if i can go to school while on medical leave from work...i just dont know why i have to cause problems...it's so stupid...but i can't control myself....it's ruining my life.
Sorry about the wall..of text...i just need to get it out...and i need help...and i have already called like 2 weeks ago to try to get a new therapist...since i was unable to continue with my regular one..as he is now my teacher at school.....if they wait much longer...i'll be jobless...

If your job is sypathetitic at all with your illness, they may see your letter for what it was- a manic faux pas.

Please try to find a way to get some sleep. And for sure call your pdoc in the morning before work and tell them what's going on. Go to work. Talk to pdoc. Face things as they come.

(((Ryask))) thinking of you in this difficult time

you're in my thoughts hun!

I haven't disclosed my illness...i feel that if i do..they will use it against me....

I have disclosed my illness to certain people where I work; specifically upper management for my department, and my direct supervisor so they can, too, help me monitor my self and watch for patterns of mood swings so they can delegate work elsewhere. I know that's special treatment, but well, that's how the cookie crumbles.

They have been very supportive. Upper management have, so far, told me they are no strangers to mental illness, and are supportive and sympathetic to my... what's the word, illness. Again, I work in a professional envirenment, and most, i'd assume, professional companies have their management team take courses of Psychology to better understand and accept diversity.

But if it's your job you're worried about, unless they can prove that your illness severely impacts your job, and you are no longer able to proform, they cant fire you. They may reprimand, or inquire about what's going on, and you might have to disclose. But there are laws here in the USA to prevent termination based on mental and medical illness.

My company fully has the capacity to understand...i work with mentally handicapped children/adults in a group home....there are 18 group homes..one is for specifically mental health patients with no physical disability. They are aware of mental illness and it's impacts. With that being said i live in a small town..really small.5000 people...so the "management" is very..."clique" like..they know each other..they have the same ideals...and they will not our right fire me...of course not...they will make it so it is impossible for me to continue...they will push me out..so i out of desperation quit....they know what they can legally and can legally not do...and they have in the past done this to many people..in fact...they do not like me as it is...because i tend to really be direct and honest about how unfair they treat people...this would be like giving them the gun powder for thier gun......like...i love my job...and i am good at it....but....the agency i work for......is terrible..terrible...just..terrible. I know...i am 99 percent sure...that my disclosing my mental illness...will result in my not being fired...but... my being pushed into quitting.

I have often thought about the pro's and con's of disclosing, and right now I'm deciding to pretty much keep it private, except for a few friends that know

Ryask,
I was in the same situation as you, feeling like i was made miserable so I would quit.
First of all, you love your job, so I wouldn't let anything get in the way of you keeping it.
If you are emotional at work, you might need a med adjustment...I did, and took a short leave to get them right.
In the meantime, I did all I could to fly under the radar and just do my job without getting myself into situations where I would exhibit behavior that called attention to myself.If your superiors don't have a reason to notice you, chances are they are so busy with other things that over time they will forget about how you acted before.

Sometimes i wonder if i act this way "on purpose"...i am starting to feel like every ounce of my body and sole are protesting continued work there...it's why they defy me. The stress from this is affecting all aspects of my life...including my job. I blow up at the smallest things...and i feel really guilty...i have little patience with my cliets lately and get increasingly frustrated with them. I clench my teeth so hard i taste blood, i get tentsion headaches from clenching my jaw constantly, i yell and scream at my "support networks", my husband...my best friend...my mother...i even give dirty looks to my teachers at school.I feel as though this job is actually killing me and maybe aknowleging my real feeling will make this bearable...i sure hope so...

Acknowledging feelings is the first step to changing them, Ryask. It's such a positive step forward for you to do so...
That being said, I had anger and rage until I went on Abilify. Have you had a med check recently? All the coping skills I had did not work until I got my meds right.

I hope things change for you soon!