I think I have been feeling better.

It sort of dawned on me the other day that I feel better. I have been able to do more around the house and I have been feeling calmer and less anxious. I can feel my creativity coming back. I got a cute hair cut and a fun new hair color, and a new tube of lipstick. I went to my T appointment today and in mid-sentence he had to stop for a second because it think it registered with him that I put effort into how I loooked today, and he said that I looked nice today. He is used to seeing me in sweats and undone hair and no make up. I felt like actually getting dressed today and when I fixed my hair, the new cut and color were calling out for makeup.

I think in two years, he has seen me practice self care maybe twice.

I am thinking about going back to school for creative writing. (something I have been wanting to do for years)

The only bummer is that my husband and my mom keep asking me if I am becoming manic. I don't think so, but I trust my p-doc and T enough that if they tell me to put the brakes on, I will. T hinted today that maybe going back to school sounds a bit grandiose, but when I explained to him that it was in response to an email I got about a local university having a seminar featuring graduates speaking about their fields and that there would be admissions reps available to talk about certain programs, he realized that I am only in the thinking and checking phase and that I am not ready to just start shelling out money. (which would be the manic part, unless it is preceeded by lots of research and discussion with my family).

None of my family cares or notices if I'm manic or depressed or a anything else.

I think that is wonderful that you are feeling better and that you are wanting to look better. I did the same thing. I actually already started the professional film acting class that I wanted to take and I am on the 3rd week of and 8 week class. I am having a wonderful time and have signed up for another class already.

Wow such good news if anyone deserves to feel better it's definitely you. I know you have had a rough time as of late. Anyways as for school...well..it's form of self care too. I have been wanting to go back to school for over 10 years and i finally did it..(maybe nudged by hypo-mania) BUT regardless...i'm really happy with it....it feels good to do something i love and want to do just for me..you know? Good luck with whatever you decide and cograts of feeling a bit better!!!!

Thats good when your t tell you look nice then you do look nice .Thats not manic comming out glad you are feeling good

(((Moose)))

School is expensive, but I really want to at least research it before I say that I can't afford it. I know there is financial aid, but there is no guarantee that I would ever make enough money or have a career to justify taking out the loans.

Lots of thinking...

I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better :-)

I love it when I hear when someone is doing so well. I am really happy for you. It offers encouragement. Thanks for sharing.

Wow BNL - I've been following your ups and downs. This sounds like a good step forward.
Hoping that things keep improving!

That's great that you're feeling better. Thanks for posting - it is always encouraging to hear that someone is doing better in spite of their illness. Well done!

School is definitely expensive, but I'm glad you're looking into it. I've found that when I take a class, my mind and self-discipline are challenged and I end up feeling better about myself.

When I decided to go back to school, I wanted to pay for it without my husband's help and without taking on student loans. I didn't qualify for financial aid because of our income bracket, so I have been taking it one or two classes at a time, and at the community college level, which was something I could afford. When I am short on income (like now), I put it on hold until I can afford it again. I guess I may not graduate until I'm 90, but I'm hanging on to that goal ..

Creative writing is something that more or less stands alone; you can take a class without having a bunch of prerequisites. Plus, once you have the basics down, you can learn a lot from joining an ongoing writer's workshop. There are a lot of them that are free, and many online groups. And the best part is that you can become a published writer without a degree.

Maybe if you started with a workshop, wrote a couple of stories to show you are dedicated to it, then your family will relax a little. I've started and quit so many things that my family always worries when I start something new, even before I was diagnosed. When I realized how much I enjoyed writing, I just kept at it until they saw that it wasn't just another grandiose dream.

Hope that helps!

Yippee, BNLsMOM!!! I am sooo glad to see you feeling so much better!!! Completely understand the wondering if it's just "going up" and not just better. Just over a year ago, I had to ask that very same question and with serious repercussions for a wrong answer. Even those who had no clue I have BP wondered at it (though I already had decided before letting anyone know... just my way--hehe, hell's bells and they only had half the story, lol!), yet my intincts said yes, it's ok, you're not hypo. Sometimes it is ok to trust your instincts.

(Lol, though it was interesting to read Pdoc-at-the-time's notes take on it... she didn't say anything about hypo though, that was reassuring. )

May your instincts be true to you and well-deserved happiness. Much love to you, BNLsMOM!!!

I'm glad that you're feeling better!!!

Hope it continues. XOXO

It is interesting how when we get a break from depression and start to feel well again, feel like ourselves again, care about things again..... we worry a little we might be cycling into mania. 'Am I manic or is this a good place? It feels like a good place. I like how I feel right now.' I can so relate to wondering the same thing when I get a break from the depression.

Perhaps if you are really concerned you may be cycling into some type of mania you need to be especially attentive to things that might open the door.

For me that means trying harder to stick to a regular sleep pattern, watch my diet a little more closely, pay attention to the speed of my movements, any other changes that I have identified over the years as indicators.

I think I have managed to hold off mania or at least reduced it to some degree by being especially mindful when I am on the up swing so it doesn't catch me by surprise.

Without obsessing about the possibility of mania I try to take special self care to not feed into it by skipping sleep or forgetting to eat or letting myself work too long without a break. I guess my lesson is to lessen the concern about mania by ensuring I don't set myself up for it or fall into the patterns that feed mania.

Enjoy each day with gladness. Wishing you well.

I am not sure how I feel anymore. I am having trouble telling the difference between regular feelings and episodal feelings. I think I am just feeling normally, but I was very sad and wistful the other night. I couldn't really figure out why until I went to bed and started thinking about what my life would have been without bipolar. I have been concentrating so hard on accepting the diagnosis that I haven't had time to grieve the life that could have been.

I am also angry with my husband who continues to mismanage his bank account and sneak money out of mine. It isn't really his/hers/, but we each took an account to manage. I took the large one and he took the small one. The large one was to pay bills and living expenses, the smaller one was for extras. He is spending all the money in that account within a day or so of getting paid ($200-$300) and dipping into the other account (even though he doesn't technically have access to the account, people at stores never check for ID, etc, and he knows my password).

I am getting really frustrated with the money things, and if it continues to be mismanaged, there is no way I will ever afford school.

I just wanted to say you're not alone - I too have trouble telling the difference between regular feelings and other feelings. I have no baseline for what "normal" feelings are... I've always had bipolar disorder.

As for the money situation, I would be angry too. I would also change my passwords and have a frank discussion with your husband about money. Let him know why you're upset about it. Perhaps if he knows that you're seriously considering going back to school and that his poor decisions are effecting your chance to do so he will change his ways. Good luck!