[Mac Murphy]

I'm tired. I'm tired of my life. I'm tired of being so alone and lonely. All I want to do is run away from here and be with my family. Why couldn't I find a job at home? Why was the only job I was able to find so far from home? Or was it that I was still too proud to take a job that was below my expectations for myself? Whatever it was I am just a wreck right now. I know I'm having a serious mixed episode right now too. I am fighting with everything I have to hold it together. My mind is racing for the first time in a long time. Part of me wants to go out and have fun but another part of me is begging me to crawl in bed and sleep and forget everything. All of me wants to be dead but even though I can think of countless ways to do it all of me also knows I will never do it. Or will I? I'm just so tired of it all. I miss my family.

[OneRiffTooMany]

take a lump of wood and beat the ground,
punch a bag
thrash a drum kit
i have to do my best to allow my illness preventing me from participating in the above or similar activities when i blow a fuse.
fight back dude

[MissMay1977]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Have you called your pdoc? Your medications may need adjusting. I am looking for work and I may have to expand my job search area and take a job away from home as well. I can't answer your question why you couldn't find a job at home but if you are spirtitual you can trust you are in the right place at this time in your life right now. (((hugs))) I hope you feel better soon.

[Kymaro]

Sometimes we are handed "life" in such a way it seems impossible. Sorry to read you are about there. I wonder if you were feeling better about yourself right now, if that job you did find was a perfect fit for you. Taking any adventure when low is tuff. I hope you find the stregnth to fight this out.

[Mac Murphy]

I was strong, but not at all manic when I took this job. I hate being alone but that is a choice my wife and I made together. I can't handle the stress of the job I am in but I may have an option to take another position within the company that will allow me to walk away at the end of the day and not worry about work. My pdoc is 750 miles away and I have not been able to find one in my new city. I was unemployed for 17 months and am very grateful to even have a job. The unemployment rate is about 18 percent at home and there is no real work there. I need to make this work. I am going to make it work even with the stress and mixed episodes. I have no choice other than to return home and be unemployed again...this time without unemployment insurance. So I just need to suck it up and deal with it.

You're right. You will make this work, kdd. Like you said, you made the decision while stable and along with your wife. Best way to do that, in that you can know you made the decision from a good place. Practical and rational, even though difficult.

If it is of any use to you... The only thing that worked for me in a similar reverse situation (in the midst of massive depression, misdiagnosis, mismedication and instability among other harsh realities...ugh)? One step at a time. A day. An hour. A minute. A step. If you can look further ahead, great! Do it! If not, it's totally ok to take it in the smallest increments needed to get through.

Sorry you have having such a rough go... Have you been able to have your old Pdoc keep you in your prescriptions while you find a new Pdoc?

Hope you get that option on the other job within the company! Keep us posted, ok?