[Martina]

After a recent situation, I'm starting to get more and more upset about all the medications I'm on. I feel like they don't allow me to feel happy. Sure, I'm not depressed (usually...still sometimes) and I haven't been suicidal in over 2-1/2 years. That is a very big thing, and I won't discount that. But it feels like any time I start to really feel GOOD about my life - they think I'm manic, so they bring me back down.

This last "mania" was great. I don't see why it was such a bad thing. Unlike most of my manias, I wasn't doing the reckless impulsive ***** like I normally do which ruins my life. I just had tons of energy, I was able to get out of bed in the morning on time or early, I was exercising and I enjoyed it for a change, I was eating right, I was losing weight, and I was having tons of special moments with my little girl. I was very involved in playing with her.

But I also was talking too fast, had racing thoughts, and wasn't sleeping.

But so what? I slept some nights pretty well, others not at all. My husband lives on 3 hours of sleep some nights and he's just fine. Why do you have to overmedicate me any time I don't sleep?

I just want to FEEL happy. I want to know what it feels like. I feel like that has been robbed from me.

And I don't know how to explain this to my pnurse because she's so damn concerned about what I've done in the past - like 3 years ago - that she'd rather overmedicate me *just incase* instead of let me be.

Anyone else feel this way?

[CliveWild]

I just had a two month hypomania very much like you described it. I would claim to anyone that it was different, and it was different. I think I always doubted that it wouldn't end in tears. I did not want to believe it. I too want to be happy !! I want to be genuinely happy, not powered by some screwed up brain chemicals. I know how frustrating it gets. It gets to the point where you start doubting real good feelings. At least I do. I can't remember being really happy when it wasn't a mood swing. That is kind of depressing.

The backlash, that I secretly feared, came and my mood crashed. I was close to suicidal on Wednesday and my mood hit zero on the scale. I took a sleeping med from the GP and I was back up there. I have been bouncing up and down the mood scale ever since. Who knows where it will settle. I think I do need a meds adjustment but that won't happen in a hurry.

I hope this helps you feel less alone. Send a message any time.

Clive x

[blueoctober]

I think it's a fine balance between being properly medicated and being over medicated. I was diagnosed while in-patient and was in a very bad place, so my pdoc was right to have me on all my meds I was on. I was on them for almost 3 years and then it got to the point that I was tired of alternating between being depressed and flat. I spoke to my pdoc about it and had my meds changed, but I wish I had spoken up sooner.

The hypomania isn't true happiness (though it certainly feels like that when I'm in that episode). I don't like the hypomania because its an indication that I'm not well and I always have the crash after it. I also find it's off putting to others especially at work.

Perhaps speaking to your p-nurse again will help. Is there other things that you do that bring you joy? I know you mentioned exercise. That really helps me and I do it regularly even when I'm depressed and/or don't feel like it.

[ladyjrnlist]

I miss the mania too. It's like withdrawing from a good drug.

[Liberada]

I miss the feeling happy. The feeling like doing things.. like doing anything. Lately I've wanted to go off the Geodon..SO bad. The trouble is my (hypo)mania also shows itself as bouts of anger, and that's not worth it. Some days I think, ok, I'm grown up and capable enough to control myself. But one little blow up from me can be massive to my kids. .... And even knowing this, I'm still on the fence. I know if I take it without food only about 40% is absorbed by the body so titrating down would be easy enough. Then there are the hormones...maybe. I'm about to be 47 and probably in perimenopause. Is it the bipolar or is it the peri? Do antipsychotics work on peri symptoms?

I miss being able to FEEL life.

[unico]

Sometimes I can't tell if I'm hypomanic or just happy. I was hypomanic last week, I think, but didn't crash into depression, as I usually do. I enjoy hypomania a lot of the time, but at other times I'm worried about the crash.