[2MuchCoffee]

Let me start by saying I have struggled with depression myself and my kids both have ADHD, so I am fully entrenched in the mental health battle. I don't intend this post to bash my boyfriend, but I need to describe his behaviors so that maybe someone can help me understand more.

First of all, we've been dating for 8 months. He has not met my kids yet. That's another thread altogether, probably in a different forum.
We've had a lot of drama already and I've tried breaking up with him a couple times but we're still together. Several reasons behind that, again - another thread in another forum.

Anyhow, he is 38 yrs old, divorced once with a history of several broken relationships. He has told me that he's been diagnosed bipolar for quite a while, but he doesn't think he is and won't take any meds for it. He thinks he only has ADHD, anxiety and insomnia. He's told me that his dad is “crazy”, has major mental problems, no relationship with him. Not really sure about his mom.

He drinks, a LOT. Mostly wine. He has a medical marijuana card and smokes quite a bit of that as well. He says it's to help with sleep and nausea. Well, the nausea is from all the drinking he does. He's sick and vomiting pretty often. He rarely sleeps at night, often crashes and sleeps all day long. Very moody. Easily agitated. It's weird because he is very intelligent, has a great personality, very friendly, charming and witty. But when he's moody, he is MOODY. Cranky and easily irritated by people. He has no filter on his mouth, either so he often just says what he thinks. We could be having a perfectly nice time together and then suddenly something sets him off and we're having an argument and on the verge of breaking up.

Like I said before, he drinks a lot, mostly wine but often whiskey and vodka too. Smokes pot. Takes other meds like Vicodin whenever they're available. He also likes to do “whip its” often. He also EATS A LOT! If he stays over at my house, he's up all night eating everything in sight. He loves to cook and eat...everything. He has struggled with his weight and is seeing a nutrition doctor where he gets diet pills. He's also taking meds to help with hair growth.

He's very impulsive and when he gets money it burns a hole in his pocket until it's gone. Then he complains about being broke. No job. He lives on disability. Occasionally he'll get into moods where he wants to better his life, try to stop drinking, get some sort of job even temporary. But the mood never lasts and he rarely ever follows through. He can't get along with people enough to hold down a permanent job.

Wow, when I type it all out like this it looks really out of control. Strangely enough, most of the time we have fun together. I'm sure my side of things is fairly dysfunctional as well. I have issues from my divorce, co-dependency, etc. I probably shouldn't even be with this guy. But I do care about him a lot, have even felt like I loved him. But the uncertainty of his situation, his behavior, has me very unsure of what kind of future we could have. I don't even know if I want him meeting my kids yet.

Ugh. Confused and don't know what to do. It feels like a big tangled up knot. So does it sound like he may really be bipolar? Maybe he's in denial...? If he doesn't take meds, will his problems just keep getting worse? Could he escalate into worse behavior?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by freshpearl

So does it sound like he may really be bipolar? Maybe he's in denial...?

Welcome freshpearl. No one here can diagnose your boyfriend and I don't think a Psychiatrist would either until he had his addictions under control. Often alcohol/drug use and or withdrawals can cause moodiness.

From your post it sounds like your boyfriend is having a hard time. The drug/alcohol abuse may be the result of an undiagnosed mental illness or he may be trying to self soothe with food/alcohol/drugs. Seeing a therapist would probably be a good place to start.

[wing]

You sound like you recognize all the problems he has, and describe yourself as co-dependant. That is a recipe for a disastrous relationship.

Do you want him drinking and smoking around your kids? Even without bipolar, he doesn't seem to me to be a good choice if you want to build a stable, loving home for your family.

He isn't willing to work on his own problems...why try to take them on yourself? Like they say in AA, people hit rock bottom before they accept help. He sounds like he is well on his way there.

It is different to offer some support to a person who is really trying to cope.

[2MuchCoffee]

Originally Posted by blueoctober

Welcome freshpearl. No one here can diagnose your boyfriend and I don't think a Psychiatrist would either until he had his addictions under control. Often alcohol/drug use and or withdrawals can cause moodiness.

From your post it sounds like your boyfriend is having a hard time. The drug/alcohol abuse may be the result of an undiagnosed mental illness or he may be trying to self soothe with food/alcohol/drugs. Seeing a therapist would probably be a good place to start.

Yeah, I'm sure you're right. Regardless of what he could/could not be diagnosed with, he needs some help. I don't know how to talk to him about it, he just shuts down whenever I bring it up.

[2MuchCoffee]

Originally Posted by wingin'it

Do you want him drinking and smoking around your kids? Even without bipolar, he doesn't seem to me to be a good choice if you want to build a stable, loving home for your family.

He isn't willing to work on his own problems...why try to take them on yourself? Like they say in AA, people hit rock bottom before they accept help. He sounds like he is well on his way there.

It is different to offer some support to a person who is really trying to cope.

No, I don't want him around my kids the way he is now. That's one of the reasons I haven't introduced them yet. He agrees, too, for what it's worth.

I have enough problems of my own, I can't take on his. Not trying to really, just trying to understand as much as I can. I probably know what the big answer is, I just don't know how to move forward. I feel like I want to give him a fair chance before declaring the situation impossible. But then I did that with my ex, too, and wasted a lot of time waiting for him to change. Almost 13 years. Never happened.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by freshpearl

I don't know how to talk to him about it, he just shuts down whenever I bring it up.

It's a tough conversation to have. I've had the same conversation with 2 friends of mine. When I spoke to them about it I would be up front that I was "sounding like a broken record" but I was only telling them this because I was concerned. My one friend was pissed at me, but she then eventually went to see a therapist and thanked me for my honesty (that took a year)

Perhaps setting a time line on it for yourself i.e. I will speak to him about it and then give him 3 months to start showing some changes. Otherwise I think it becomes a never ending issue with no end in sight.

[2MuchCoffee]

Originally Posted by blueoctober

Perhaps setting a time line on it for yourself i.e. I will speak to him about it and then give him 3 months to start showing some changes. Otherwise I think it becomes a never ending issue with no end in sight.

That is really good advice. Thank you for that.

That also means I have to hold myself accountable to that timeline, too. I have to be ready to cut things off if necessary. It's hard to do that when you're co-dependent and fearful of being alone.

Maybe if I write out some stuff in a journal or letter I can get my thoughts organized and feel better about talking to him. I don't know. I may have to just give him a letter, because in person he doesn't listen very well.

Then maybe I just have to find the money and time for my own therapy...again. Sigh.

[Moose72]

Kudos to you for recognizing and admitting that you're codependant. You don't have to take on his problems. His symptoms sound like bipolar- BUT drugs can imitate bipolar symptoms. Or, he could be self-medicating.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by freshpearl

Maybe if I write out some stuff in a journal or letter I can get my thoughts organized and feel better about talking to him. I don't know. I may have to just give him a letter, because in person he doesn't listen very well.

That sounds like a great plan. Keep us posted.

[greylove]

Wow......this could have been written by me about my son......except he has never taken a relationship as far as marriage. Also, is undiagnosed and not on disability. But recently fired,and everything else you wrote, nearly word for word. I don't know what to say to you.......except yes, the problems will escalate without meds. I'm watching that now........ holding you in my thoughts........grey

[wing]

fp,
You sound as if you've got a really good head on your shoulders and are making good decisions and a lot of progress. Stay strong, and keep us up-to-date. Keep coming back for the support you need!