In My Own World!

When i was younger my Life was full of Life..I always knew i was different..But never knew my Life would be like this...I fought for the longest time not seeking help...My husband knew i was getting worse and got me in to the Doctor....That was in Nov 2007...But i swear to God it sometimes feels like it was yesterday..I hate not knowing how i will feel when i wake up...I live on the edge all the time from this bipoler..It truly wears me the F**K out...If i dont keep busy all the time then my mind goes into overload...I'm tired...This disease is tearing up my world...And just when i think i have control...it comes back fast ...like saying i'm here and i'm never going to leave or give you peace...to others i seem like have it all together..God if they only knew what went on behind closed doors...I miss ME!! When i started my meds thats when i started changing....And i HATE change ......I hate my Life at times ..I hate feeling like crap.....I hate not feeling Happy! But most of all I HATE not having control.........Think its going to be a pissy Day!! Oh Joy!

Sorry, your so focused on the "bad" side of being BP. I understand. Although right now Im in a good place. (read my newest thread, there are some great advise from others I think would help you) I hope you can redirect your focus on the good parts of your life. I know we can never go back to the way it was. But if you can keep it behind closed doors, maybe someday you can close that door to you too.

Best of thoughts your way.

sunshine sorry you are feeling so bad. hope u feel better soon

I dont focus on the bad...didnt mean to come across that way...I havent dont well with certain meds...Just frustrated cause i dont think what i'm on is working...Maybe it's time for a change in meds...I'm not down all the time ..it just feels that way...a couple of bad days can feel like a week...I know everyone is different with bipoler ,depression and anxiety...I'm just happy for now for finding this site and can read the words of others and think ...I'm not the only one who feels this way...So many people that i know dont get it..So tired also having to explain myself and my moods and about bipoler ..I know i'll find my way of dealing with all this...I know i'm strong...Just have moments where i dont feel that way...

Sunshine1992 you are not alone in feeling this way. I always wander if I will ever find some resemblance to the person I used to be. The med changes and the tweeks here and there are so frustrating. Feels like this roller-coaster ride will never end. I am finding there is some hope of things getting better. I was also diagnosed back in 2007 and I'm just now finding a level mood. It is not what I want out of my life, but it is a starting point. I hope you find your level spot where you can work towards finding that old you.

Dear Sunshine, you definitely described me 2 a tee. Believe me, there millions like us. It seems every I go, every wonderful place I live, here Bipolar comes along, too. I get so tired of pretending normal like everyone else. Hang in there, Brokenwing.

Sunshine definitely speak up if you don't feel the meds are working. I was diagnosed in 2007 too and I waited too long to say something about the meds. Finally in May of 2010 I spoke up and got a med change and this has really helped me a lot. I also started using a SAD lamp and that helped as well.

Sometimes when I get depressed I feel like it will never end and I can't "remember" ever feeling good/okay. This illness plays tricks on our minds and if the meds aren't working it makes it doubly hard. I hope you start feeling better soon.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I was diagnosed in 2005 but became med resistant and had a bad manic attack in 2007. It reeked complete and utter havoc in my life and I lost everything for a time. It does seem like you've kept your marriage intact and I'm not sure if you have kids but that in and of its self is something to be proud of. Because of the stigma of this illness many of us have problems with marriage, family, friends, etc. I too went through various med changes and was overmedicated for a little over a year until we did a med change. I've been feeling good since June 2010 and still feeling well today. I don't recall where I read it, but I recall it said that on average it takes 3 years to recover from a major episode. It has been that way in my case so don't know if other people have had similar experiences.

Do you go to a support group? I went to DSBA meetings and didn't feel comfortable in that group as for some reason the meetings I went to had pretty low functioning people. Finally researched NAMI and found a local Bipolar support group that I've been going to for about two months. There are different levels of functioning in the group but much better than my previous experience. This group is also open to family members to attend. A couple whose daughter was recently diagnosed started attending our meetings but the daughter won't come. I don't know if this is something that your husband might be interested in attending with you,

If I can help in any other way or you have more questions for me, I'm here to help in any way I can.

Hi ,Thank you for writing..This site has been so good for me..And the stories i have read is like reading my own..My T suggested a support group..But i have not went to one yet..For some reason i think i can do this on my own and get through it..Dont know if i could sit long enough in a group and talk..My husband has been my rock.He is gone alot for his job.He works in the Gulf of Mexico..But is in contact with me all the time..I could not ask for more .We have 2 sons 18 & 24. Our youngest was diagnosed 2 yrs ago with major depression..I was dealing with sooo much .But i had to focus on him and getting him help..so i had to put my own problems on hold...Then to find out he was having suicidal thoughts..I almost went over the deep end..He was on meds that he hated..He just stayed in his room and i was ALWAYS checking him and making sure the door wasnt locked..till finally we changed the door knob..Well after about a year he decided not to take the meds anymore..His T said that was his choice ..but if the depression came back it would probably be worse..Well its been over a year and he has been fine..But he has days of being hyper and his anger comes out fast at times...I think he has bipoler ...just hasnt hit him fully yet..I worry sooooo much .But when i'm having bad days and crying and so frustrated with Life..He comforts me...It would be nice if we both could go to a support group..But i know he wouldnt.Life can be crazy for me...This may sound awful of me ..But coping with myself and trying to stay out of that dark place...I was kinda angry that i had to deal with my son..I think more so because i was told he got the gene from me..I felt it was my fault for his illness...And if anything happened to him i would be the blame...I'm sorry i've wrote so much...Guess it just helps me to write..I have kept a journal since 77.. about my life and feelings..I never knew why i wrote..Just always felt i had to ...Thank you for wrting to me and taking the time ...I truly appreciate it......

If you talk to your son about support group have you ever thought of framing it as him coming there with you to help support you? Since he's living at home (?), you can tell him how important it would be to have you go there and give you the extra strength because you'd like to share the experience with him? Maybe if you frame the question in a positive light, and it doesn't seem like you're trying to force him into it, it could benefit both of you?

Maybe start seeing a therapist too? If you hold onto worries they'll make you start to feel ill. if you can talk to a therapist about ways to relax the mind, the body, it may help with the worrying. Worrying is a bad addiction that wants to stay and make your life miserable. Learning to take your life back from those thoughts, and to live in the present is an important skill to acquire. It doesn't mean that the worrying thoughts go away, but it means you can deal with them. If you talk to a therapist, the could give you those tools to help you. If you talk to the pdoc, and tell them the meds aren't working they can try and change things.

Also, don't feel at fault. People with bipolar who take care of themselves can be as high functioning as any other adult. My dad is probably dx untreated bp, and he has a treated bp daughter but I don't blame him because I have the diagnosis. I love my dad so why would I blame him for something as trivial as that? Talk to your son about it. I am sure he loves his mom. :')

Dear Sunshine, how are you. I'm thankful that we are in our own little world. Things could be much worse. I feel for Catherine Zeta-Jones. Could you imagine being famous and having people, the ignorant and uneducated say such cruel things and make jokes about your private life? Maybe this will make people aware of just how horrible this disease is, and erase the stigma. Hang in there, and know you are not alone.