Stress and low self-esteem rant

Hey everyone.
I'm writing my sort of dissertation (it's a 6000 words essay plus a creative project) and I'm panicking. It's due in 26th May, I have done most of the work but none of the actual writing and I have other deadlines between, including an essay of 2000 words I've done nothing for..I know it can all be done but at the same time, every time people are shocked about how behind I am I freak out even more. I'm not happy with my lecturer, I don't feel she has helped at all and also she sort of misunderstood and flattened my idea (during my presentation in class). And on top of that, I saw another lecturer to get feedback on a minor essay and she said that my problem is that I'm not working exactly as I'm expected to work at the level of undergrad, that I have too many ideas, and then instead of helping me contain them, she pointed out what I had left out of the essay, even though I have already reached the word count and had a mini break down in front of her. But then it's my fault for asking the feedback right? I mean, what else was she supposed to say?

Anyway, the point is that now I just have to write this darn dissertation essay and I can't free my mind from the fear that this won't work, I feel particularly slowed down and basically like I've shrunk so much that I should curl up in a ball on my sofa and write something very basic and dry and then reconsider whether my silly head is fit for a masters. And with this sort of catastrophising I know I have started sliding the slippery slope. Why can't I do something completely on my own based on my confidence in my worth?? People are right, I ask too much from myself, from lecturers, from everything...I'll be quiet now and struggle with my notes and get everything and everyone else out of my head...

Do your tutors know about your health difficulties? I am doing a masters programme also and really struggling with concentration and motivation, it the end I opened up to my tutor and I am glad that I did as she has given me some extensions for my assignments. I have always liked to do things perfectly, but am now trying to be kind to myself and just do a good enough job to get through.

Thank you Soup, it helps to be reminded that other people are in the same position My tutors know, I was unwell for a good portion of the semester but I think they don't know how to help, or I don't know how to ask as I don't want to appear trying to get advantage of anything (my paranoia, I know). You are right though, I should be kind to myself, take things at a pace and if I ran out of time see what can be done then...The best essay would mean nothing if I wrote it at the expense of my health, right? I guess I'm putting too much pressure on this because I feel that if I can't do this tiny bit extra (not even a proper diss!) I should give up my place at the MA, even though I've been looking forward to it since last year...But I suppose that's negative thinking getting me down.

You've done most of the work, and just not written down? This brought immediately to mind someone that I know (who just finished her Master's btw...). She said she has always worked them out in her head, not on the paper. Once she was ready, she put it on the paper. Is this standard? Is this typical? Is this the way it's "supposed" to be done? Who cares?! That's what worked for her. There are many ways to do things, not "one right way". (For me, it's art. A scribble at most, a few idea thoughts and it's off to the races. The piece talks to me as I go in ways that make it far better than if I'd done in a more structured "traditional" way. It would be stupid for me to ignore this. It's all about what works for you!)

When you say people are shocked when they find out where you are, how do they know? If they get the info from you.... well, don't tell them! Or say something vague like, "it's coming along". They don't need details and it's none of their business. I've got a little saying for it... "why hand 'em the ammo?". Especially when you know how their reactions affect you.

On the lecturer who said, "...not working exactly as I'm expected to work ...", see above. Everyone is different and this is simply a narrow minded statement. In terms of the "too many ideas", then went on about additions? There's no fault in asking for feedback. That's what they're there for and shows you care about the work. She can say anything she wants of course. But also needs to be brought back around to her original assertation (which I'd have to assume she considers relevant after all!). To do this you could use specific questions such as...Too many? Which would you suggest removing? Where do you see that it might benefit from some editing down? This way, you show you value their feedback (in theory anyway! ), and at the same time hold them accountable for giving feedback that is actually useful.

Most of all, be kind to yourself.
I struggle with catastrophizing and going whirly-o-blender with fear and self-doubt too. Believe me, I 'get' it! But that's why we're all here... for support and reminding each other to try to take a deep breath and get through this together. And share ways to help that we just not be thinking of in the stress of the moment.
Much and luck! Keep us posted, ok, SadRobot?

Yes! I agree with your comments Innerzone and thank you for the support
I won't go into detail about the ideas-conversation (mainly because I'm too tired to explain it!) but I think the bottom line of all the problems these external factors have triggered, is that I should take advice, hear comments etc but as you said, work as I work best, and what come may..

About the essay...
The problem about working it out in my head and having only scattered notes on paper and in the margins of books and articles, is that now that I'm having trouble to concentrate, I struggle to put my ideas down! It's like I am very very hangover and I have to piece together the ideas lurking somewhere in my head, with the right notes that I usually remember where they are thanks to some unconscious coding of different coloured folders, notebooks etc, to construct an argument that is quite complex in itself and which the lecturer misunderstood, therefore I have to make absolutely clear...I rely too much on by brain's 'unconscious' organisational skills! And now the brain wants to shut down...
Anyway. My mum says I'm just too tired from trying to fit the entire world in my head...!!

I'll keep you posted..Thanks again for making me smile

I am in exactly the same boat... two 2500 word essays due by next Monday (haven't started either) and a take away paper which entails writing 2 1500word essays in 48 hours. I am horribly depressed and just don't know how to face any of it. Sorry I can't give any advice, just know you're not alone

Big hug to you too!!
We can do this!

Good luck dear