[SingDanceRunLife]

Yesterday I realized how much I was hiding behind a mask. My mom was talking to me, and said that now that I'm better mentally I can make decisions better...she was talking about my decision to change my major which she thinks came from my unstable mental state (it didn't, I promise...it was something I'd been thinking about for almost a year and a half)...and she also thinks I might change my mind and wants me to think about it more etc...I'm not changing my mind...and none of it has to do with my mental health.

...But the fact that she thinks I'm better, fine even made me realize that I'm hiding behind a mask. A mask that says everything okay even though it's not. She always thinks everything is fine...she thinks she knows me...but she doesn't. I put up a front with her, and most other people because I don't like questions, and most people just don't understand. My mom is the worst though. She doesn't even try to understand.

I've also noticed throughout the years that when I'm depressed I go one of two ways:

1)I don't give a crap about anything such as showering or what I look like. There have been days lately that I haven't showered...days that I sat around in my pajamas until I had to get dressed (sometime between 2 and 3:30 in the afternoon, when people were coming home)...

2)I try to make myself look really good. Take today for example...I wore a super cute floral skort with a really cute top, and nice flip flops. Not only that, but I put makeup on! Powder and mascara...unusual for me. I also changed my earrings and put on some nicer ones rather than the regular studs I wear daily and rarely take out. I feel as if making myself look put together will not only hide how I'm feeling to those who see me, but also might make me feel a bit better.

I wish Thursday didn't seem so far away...Thursday is when I get to see my T...and I really need to see her now.

I'm not really sure what the point of this post is...but yeah...

Hmm, when I'm really depressed I almost don't fit most of the symptoms except how I feel inside. I get dressed, do my hair and makeup no matter how exhausting. I still do what I need to do in a day no matter how painful. I don't sleep more, and when I'm around people I generally try to act as normal as possible. My boyfriend can tell some of the time but not how bad it is. No one else seems to clue in. I do try to hide it, I am a proud person and I don't want anyone to see the real me, or think I'm weak or self loathing.

I talked to my pdoc about this once as I used to do it with him also. I thought man, this I'd kinda scary, I could get in to some serious trouble with this. I mean if I'm very suicidal no one will know and I don't reach out either. I think I got really good at the masks from anorexia, that's a real hiding game I learned young.

Seems like the masks are appropriate at times in certain situations, we all have them. But can become a self destructive weapon in exess.

I know what you mean about some days you care how you look and others you don't. Most of the week when I'm home alone I will shower and put on a new pair of PJ's but that is about it. Sometimes on the weekend when my boyfriend is home and we're going out I will throw on some makeup and put mousse in my hair. I tend to feel better inside if I put a little effort in with my outside

Ahhhh, the mask. Know it well. Too well. It's a double-edged sword. It's the questions issue that drives me too. You're not alone in that, SDRL.

It's an exhausting effort, yeah? On the one of your two ways, I only go the first. Even then I can employ the mask to a positively frightening degree. (Not in the super perky sense, but in the someone not being able to realize just how very very bad it is sense.) But can only manage it for short times. And frankly, it's not as hidden as I like to think. The only reason it works at all is because people are generally in their own worlds and oblivious.

At best they may pick up on the flat voice, expressionless face and dead staring eyes, but that's usually chalked up to their perception of my general weirdness. Fortunately they can't pick up on my delusion that my head is actually a skull with dead eyes set way back in. But yes, I have checked in a mirror just to be sure. Yeah. Now that would be a mask. As in Halloween. And it wouldn't fool anyone.

Guess, it's some consolation that pretty much everyone does the mask thing... it's just a matter of degree.

[sugahorse1]

I generally always do the shower thing, regardless of how depressed I may be. But I also sleep a LOT more, and am very sensitive to people's comments. I tend to avoid social situations altogther.

I wear a mask with some people - most people - and close up totally to others. Most of those I know wouldn't give a damn anyway, and it actually doesn't involve them anyway

[laureofanne]

The bit about your mom rings true for me too. It's hard when your parent only wants to see the very best of you, not realizing you may be struggling inside to make ends meet emotionally. It's even worse when she stresses you out more by trying to plan out your next move, for you the change of major, for me the way I'll bust through a final paper like it was this (way more fun and friendly) post. She was way beyond distractability in my darkest moments. Then again, it's hard when you have a manager mom leading dozens of people.

[Simply_Orange]

I know what you mean by hiding behind a mask. I do that too. Can't tell ppl how I really feel inside. Lie and say "I'm ok" when I really feel terrible. Sometimes if I don't have work that day I will skip the daily shower too but if I'm feeling depressed and bad I find it usually makes me feel at least a lil' bit better to take a shower. Feels like one small accomplishment for the day; sometimes doing small everday stuff and seeing it as one small, even though it may be very small, accomplishment helps with the depression.

[venusss]

I feel I cannot really admit how i feel oftentimes... and why should I?

I do hide behind my make up... glitter or white eyeliner hides the fact I have not slept properly for few days...

I often wonder if people know, if they can sense my energy and know it is truly off...

[quiksilver2101]

I too hide behind a mask. All the time. I have been telling everyone I'm ok and not giving out any more information than that, but truth is I'm really struggling. I saw my pdoc monday and he wanted to hospitalize me, so I finally came clean with my mom and told her what's going on. I have been neglecting everything in my life lately. I rarely leave the house anymore. I just need to open up with my family I guess. Easier said than done

[SmilingMask]

The "mask", I have mastered it-it was the first thing my T saw on my very first appointment. Other than the 2 at work that I mistakenly shared my disorder with, no one knows (excpet hubby of course); if you came into my work- you would never know (except now, crashed bad a few days ago- this is almost as bad as before I was on meds). It has taken years to perfect this mask and it will take time to wipe the mask clean.
With my husband, I even have it so perfect that he doesn't realize when I'm up and down.

[SingDanceRunLife]

During my T session yesterday we touched on my mask a bit...I said that I was really good at it, possibly/probably too good at it...and my T agreed...

[Confusedinomicon]

I think this is a problem everyone has, regardless of having or not having a MI. I think it's a pretty good defense system too because in this society the easiest way to get hurt is having your emotions on your sleeve.

((Hugs)) Hope you continue to progress with your T.

[SingDanceRunLife]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

I think this is a problem everyone has, regardless of having or not having a MI. I think it's a pretty good defense system too because in this society the easiest way to get hurt is having your emotions on your sleeve.

((Hugs)) Hope you continue to progress with your T.

True...but I feel like wearing a mask, so much so that you portray something you actually aren't and wearing a mask just to hide some strong emotions are two very different things. If I'm wearing my mask full on, I'm almost like a different person...bubbly, laughing, would never dare cry in front of anyone ever...when my mask isn't so full on, I can slip up and people will know that something is going on.

And don't get me wrong here...when I'm actually feeling well and not wearing any mask, I can be bubbly, smile and laugh a lot etc...but it's real instead of forced.

[Lauru]

I know the mask. Sometimes I wear it so long, I forget what is underneath. Until it comes bubbling up to the surface or exploding in my face. I can't let anyone know I am crazy. How much I hurt. I have to be perfect and I am FAR from it. I can't let anyone know or guess that there is something wrong with me. Only my group and my T know. And it has taken years to get to the point where my T and group see the real me.

[Confusedinomicon]

Originally Posted by SingDanceRunLife

True...but I feel like wearing a mask, so much so that you portray something you actually aren't and wearing a mask just to hide some strong emotions are two very different things. If I'm wearing my mask full on, I'm almost like a different person...bubbly, laughing, would never dare cry in front of anyone ever...when my mask isn't so full on, I can slip up and people will know that something is going on.

And don't get me wrong here...when I'm actually feeling well and not wearing any mask, I can be bubbly, smile and laugh a lot etc...but it's real instead of forced.

I don't think there is a real division between potraying something you aren't and actually wearing a mask for emotional purposes. The motive to do so (please other people) is still there. Wearing a mask transcends mental illness. I'm actually really lousy at wearing a mask. My emotions are generally on my sleeve and I've become a mess in public before. I've also made myself sick because I am bad at it. Ironically, now I am working on keeping a filter and mask so I make people too uncomfortable. Though, I don't know if it would be considered a mask...Maybe emotional shield.

[SingDanceRunLife]

I don't know. I just feel like I'm portraying something I'm not...but at least for now I'm keeping up with the charade.

Tomorrow and Tuesday will be vital days to keep up the charade. I have orientation at one job tomorrow (I was just hired as a hostess at Applebees, and it was on the spot, probably due to my bubbly and outgoing persona even though I felt like absolute crap that day)...and Tuesday I have my final interview for another job (sales rep for AT&T, so being friendly and outgoing and confident is key)...