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#1
Jun 15, 2011, 05:53 PM
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I have been in a bizarre place for the past few weeks. I'm pretty intuitive about my disorder and can usually figure out where I'm at in a cycle. But I've just been bouncing between two extremes lately and nothing seems to make it better.
I've recently entered into a relationship with someone who is very, very understanding about the disorder. So far, anyway. But I'm scared to talk about this to him because I'm afraid he's going to be like the person I was with before him (and think that I'm just doing it all on purpose, making it up, etc). I told him the other night that I thought I was alright, but now I'm not sure. Well, it's not even that I'm not sure....I'm NOT alright, I'm sinking into a very anxious depression. I'll get super energetic and happy, and then soon afterwards I'll crash and start crying for no reason. I hope this makes sense and I hope I don't offend anyone, but I think what's weighing me down is the fact that I have found this wonderful, amazing, NORMAL man who claims to love me for who I am....and yet, I can't help feeling that maybe he doesn't deserve all of the crazy he's going to have to put up with being my boyfriend. I'm not ashamed of who I am. But there are easier women to deal with out there. I can't help thinking maybe he should have one of those and not me. Someone talk to me. I feel so strange and sad....
__________________
"There is an aristocracy of the sensitive. They represent the true human tradition of permanent victory over cruelty and chaos." ~ E. M. Forster |
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#2
Jun 15, 2011, 11:03 PM
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Trusting is hard in relationships, especially if you've been burned before. As for him "deserving" someone easier, if he wanted someone "easier to deal with" then he would have chosen someone else. He chose YOU. Moods and all. Don't ever forget that.
It's been a looong time since I was last beginning a romantic relationship (25 years  ) - but I do know that getting communication off on the right foot can make or break any relationship. You may have been feeling alright the other day, but you're not now, and he needs to know that. Having an open dialogue is very important. It helps you build trust and will help him feel closer to you if he can know what's going on rather than trying to guess if you're acting differently.While I'm not offended by any means, it does sadden me when I hear about people thinking that because we're bipolar or have another form of illness, that we're unworthy of love. That is soooo untrue. Granted, there are some periods of our lives that can be quite difficult - but that can happen in any long term relationship. A healthy relationship takes the good with the bad, reveling in the good times and holding on tight in the bad times. Give this relationship - and him - a chance. You may very well be surprised. 
__________________
I've been scattered I've been shattered I've been knocked out of the race But I'll get better I feel your light upon my face ~Sting, Lithium Sunset 
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 FeelingHopeful
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#3
Jun 15, 2011, 11:54 PM
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Aww Anomaly! Im sorry your hurting! Please Hold onto to that man! You sound like you have someone truly amazing and you deserve that!, I know you are struggling thinking why should he have to put up with the crazy, but he chose to be with you ! Knowing full well your disorder, so sounds to me he chose to be with you knowing what he was getting into, thats a special guy
 So Im really hoping you guys make it, you deserve happiness. Im on the other side, I think my guy friend has bipolar, and I think he feels the same way as you . He has said you can do so much better than me.,trust me. Im not going anywhere and im trying to show him exactly what your bf does, that i can support him. I hope he gives me the chance
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| dragonfly2
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#4
Jun 15, 2011, 11:55 PM
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Dragonfly, thatwas beautiful what you wrote! Thanks for that!
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| dragonfly2
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#5
Jun 16, 2011, 12:26 AM
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Sometimes it's really hard for us to let go of the past ways of thinking and embrace better, more positive ones. I think maybe the time for you to do that would begin here, today. I felt the same way and thought almost those same thoughts verbatim 6.5 years ago when I met my now husband. I had not been diagnosed then, but him having to put up with the symptoms(I just thought I was a stressed out, emotional trainwreck that couldn't function well enough to get her life together)was more than I thought he should have to bare. Like you, I thought he deserved someone "normal" something more and better than what I had to offer. MY LIFE CHANGED BECAUSE OF THAT MAN!!! He loved me for me...just the way I am, and after a friend of mine convinced me that he chose me and I needed to embrace it, I learned that trust love and respect are there for everyone!! WE ALL DESERVE IT!!! My life is full and happy and I am still spending everyday loving the man of my dreams and my best friend. PLEASE give yourself the chance to let him love you, to show you how wonderful you are, and amazingly fullfilling life can be when you have someone to share it with. Good luck!!
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| FeelingHopeful
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#6
Jun 16, 2011, 10:10 AM
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FeelingHopeful - thanks for posting this. It's good to hear it from the other side. I'll admit, when my husband and I were first going out, I would ask him why he loved me, like somehow I was defective and not worth it. But, like you, he held on. I should have known early on that he was in for the long haul - he picked me up for one of our dates at my therapist's office, lol! We've been together for 25 years. It hasn't all been roses, that's for sure, but it's been worth it. We joke sometimes that if we were to write a book about our life together it would be titled "What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been".
 Mkfslb: I'm glad to hear that you have found such a loving relationship. I hope you have many many happy years together.
__________________
I've been scattered I've been shattered I've been knocked out of the race But I'll get better I feel your light upon my face ~Sting, Lithium Sunset
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| FeelingHopeful
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#7
Jun 16, 2011, 08:59 PM
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Mkfslb, AWWW!! That is awesome that you have found a wonderful lasting beautiful relationship!! So happy to hear that, thank you sooo much dragonfly!!, im educating mysellf on bipolar and learning as much as i can to support him, i love him so much as a friend and as more, im hoping we have our chance, he is sorta the same with he would say things like you can do so much better, you should move on, etc, try to push me away but i dont let him,
Im in it for the long haul, right now hes struggling so im doing what i can for him, hard to explain, but every pt of me just loves him, ya knowwhen you just know in your soul that a person is the person for you..He just gets me, if that makes sense lol. Now i just have to make him believe it
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