Please listen to my story. Thank you.

Let me welcome you into my world for a few minutes. Thank you for reading and staying with me through this word-voyage.

I am bipolarII, slanted far toward the depressive side. Over the last few years, since the end of my last "love" relationship which triggered serious and, alas, longlasting bipolar episodes, I have become progressively more isolated. I lost the sense of myself as a healthy person. My self esteem has disappeared. Although I have been on medication, the medication has not helped and the side effects have been a serious issue. I began having seizures which have last for two years and more.

One "world" was left into which I could project a "healthy" self; that world is an online MMORPG. People generally love me there because I am kind, compassionate, and supportive. I have a leadership role in that environment. Given that I've isolated myself, it has been a safe place for social contact. I can have friendships without real-world involvement, so there is, or so I imagined, no risk to my emotional life. It has not recovered from the last disaster and is showing no signs of recovery either.

So, this little online world has been a safe place - until lately. Over some years I've worked and played online with one particular fellow. Gradually we got to talk on a deeper and deeper level. After a while, I found - actually to my dismay - that I had *slight* feelings for him that went beyond casual friendship and had wandered into the for-me-dangerous territory of wanting to get to know him better, looking forward to our contact each day.

I know from the past the dangers of meeting an online personality; real life is not and cannot ever be the same as the online world. I was and am aware that I have feelings for a projection of my own mind, a kind of fictional character he, I, and other people in our community have created.

So for a time, this minor attraction stayed around very much in the background. Mainly it was a comfortable place to be. He had a wife and family. Really, there was nothing to be done. I respected him, his offline world, and always have and always will wish him the best success there.

However, recently there was a change. His primary offline relationship fell apart and he moved out. At that point, to my great shock, he asked would I come to visit him and told me he also had feelings for me. Now of course I was extemely complimented and also amazed, because to be honest I had no clue he would ever actually want "real life" contact. In spite of myself, suddenly I had hope. The old, seductive, warm feelings toward another human being that draw us into real life close relationships began to arise and grew stronger.

First of all, there is no way on earth that such a relationship could work. My depressions are too severe. Online, I can disappear if they get too bad. In real life, that is obviously impossible. Also there is some age difference between us. And after the last relationship ended, let's just say I destroyed my beauty so I would never even be tempted to repeat the last relationship mistake.

Almost immediately after our heart to heart, meeting of the minds chat, there arose another emotional thorn. Almost right away, after his invitation to me to come visit, after his declaration that he had feelings for me, a new woman appeared in his real world. And, you guessed it, he has fallen deeply in love with her. She is young. She is beautiful. She is clever. She is full of hope and passion for life. He sees her as his soul mate.

So each day now, because we have for years shared our emotional lives with one another, I get to hear about the depth of their love, the beautiful restaurants they visit, the opera they will attend. He asks my advice about the best tuxedo to choose. He says when he first beheld her, he felt he was meeting me.

I make an almost superhuman effort to transcend my sad feelings, to stay a kind, good and loving friend to him. I pay compliments and say wonderful supportive things about their relationship. I am the cheerleader for the new couple; I call myself "Cyrano." I even correspond with his new love by email and pay their relationship elaborate and flowery compliments. She appears a very wonderful lady. I am so happy for both, my friend and his new love.

But I am so very sad for me.

I'm not sure whether you posted this looking for advice or support but my personal philosophy is that if a relationship is hurting you more than it is helping you it is time to move on. It sounds as though you are pushing aside your own needs and feelings to "be there" for him. You deserve to take care of yourself too.

Something I was recently shown that helps me when I feel sad and lonely:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Thank you. The purpose of my post? There are a few. I wanted to put down my feelings on virtual paper so I could see them as object. Looking at them in an exterior environment, posted here on the boards, gives me at least a "symbol" of emotional distance which is a beginning. At the same time, I thought someone might come along with wise words, suggestions for the future, some comfort, some strength, some constructive criticism. Almost anything under the sun is better than the paralysis that is the handmaiden of depression.

And I guess I must have been wishing for a poem, since around the same time you posted I was off on other boards searching for a poem whose title I can't remember.

Thank you for your post. It is a beautiful poem. Inspirational words do have a measurable, positive physical/emotional effect so I very much appreciate your gift of poetry.

I want to be positive and stuff, I am just not in a place to write a lot about relationships.

Except to say a few things, it doesn't seem like this friendship is healthy for you, and you know it, I admire your honesty. I'd think it wise to cut ties with this man.

Secondly, I hear and maybe it's my bad hearing, but I hear you put him up here, and you down there. Why you are not good enough. What I would ask is, is he good for you. Does he have what YOU need.

I'm sorry I wish I had more, it's a very hard place to be

Thank you Anika. I appreciate that you took the time and effort to reply.

This relationship does look like it isn't healthy; on the other hand he's the only particularly close friend I have. I enjoy his intellect, his zest for life. With everyone else I know, I just skim the surface. Being bipolar and particularly as a result of my last failed close relationship, I don't as a rule allow myself to get close to anyone. I *thought* this particular guy would be safe enough to allow inside my defenses precisely because he is witty, charming, intelligent - qualities that delight me - and I could enjoy his friendship but not get emotionally involved. This was indeed so for some years.

Alas, I misjudged. The stupid, errant heart goes where it wills; I think I will never understand my emotional life, what causes my strong feelings to arise and fix on one person and not another.

So. If I decide to end our friendship, I cut off the only close friend I have. I also will need to make changes in my online life because he is an intrinsic part of the little community I inhabit. Also I will need to leave the group and website of which I have charge. He was the founder of the group and has worked as my co-director for some time.

About putting him up there/me down here...yes, you are right. That is clever of you to notice.