[Anneinside]

I have been having some suicidal thoughts. I have no intention of doing so at any time in the near future. I saw my pdoc and her nurse today and the nurse reminded me it would take some time for the medication I am starting on Thursday (Emsam) to start working and seriously asked me to commit to hold off on suicide for two months. I almost laughed. I did say, "that long???". She asked if I had plans and I wonder why people even ask that any more of someone who has been suicidal in the past and attempted in the past. Of course I have plans. They have been created and thought through too many times to count. So, do I have plans. Yes. Do I intend to act on them right now. No.

I have been out of the hospital for ten days. I was inpatient for 18 days of course for suicidal thoughts and to have ECT. I have to hold on to the thought that it will get better. My pdoc added a treatment so I'll have one in two days on Wednesday and another on Friday instead of waiting a week to the next Wednesday. It is just so hard being off antidepressants, having serotonin discontinuation syndrome (getting somewhat better) and still depressed. It is better than when I went into the hospital but worse than when I got out of the hospital. On the depression scale they use in my pdoc's office, I had a 20 on admission to the hospital, a 10 today but it was probably a bit lower than it should have been, and it is usually about a 0-2 for me.

You are all probably getting tired of reading this. To sum it up, I feel that a better choice for me would have been to die but I am not at that active point of implementing it. Part of me knows or hopes that the new medication and increased ECT will make me "all better". Til then I am hanging by my finger tips.

[Forgive77]

Aw...it sounds so tough, and like you're doing all the right things. Be proud of yourself, and be proud of that.

[wing]

Anne, I live with suicidal thoughts in the back of my mind all the time. I've spent my entire life suffering...who wouldn't want an end to it? I understand what you mean about having plans, but no plan to follow through on them. It's an escape fantasy daydream I engage in, probably more often than I should. Sometimes I have a fleeting impulse to act on it. And I am not depressed! They're with me stable, hypomanic and manic, too! I think it has become one of those thoughts that has created a negative rut that responds to CBT techniques. I always have to keep fighting with my little bag of coping skills, just like so many other negative thoughts. Yes, you can hold off for two months. After all, we've been "holding off" for years, haven't we?

[SunAngel]

WoW, I understand completely what you are feeling.

Please never do anything to yourself.

I know you have suffered your whole life as did I, but if you take an hour out of your day to just sit with those thoughts and when the hour is up, think of other things, these thoughts will lessen. Just take some time and think about suicide and then when that time if up, try to think of happier thoughts.

I know it's easier said than done, but it is one of the coping skills I have practiced over time, and have noticed that these thought lessen with time.

Just thought I would put this out there because it has helped me a whole lot.

[Anneinside]

One more day until ECT. All I have to do is keep taking deep breaths. I woke up early again today after waking over and over. It makes the night and then day so long. My thoughts continue but I am going to treat myself tonight and tomorrow night. On Thursday I start on Emsam which has a restrictive diet so tonight it is Choptles for burrito and guacamole (the no-no) and Wednesday for Olive Garden for something full of cheese. It is the low tyramine diet.

Because of the thoughts I am trying to come up with reasons to be alive. So far I have one - someone needs to take care of the dogs. Although I have sisters a mother and father (he doesn't remember me b/c of Alzheimer's ). They all have full lives and my death would sadden then for a while their lives will return to normal and they would say it was " her thing". My only child, Serena, died when she was 16 in a car accident. I will never have grandchildren. I have not been married for 18 years. I can't work although I volunteer. Mostly I am just Putting in time. Where are my positives? I am struggling to make a list like my pdoc want me to do. Any ideas?

[SunAngel]

1. You are valuable as a member of society.

2. You're family WILL never get over a suicide even though you say they wouldn't care.

3. You have us to talk to and we are listening.

4. The depression always passes with BP Disorder. If you offed yourself, you will not get a chance to have a better future.

5. You would make us miserable.

[wing]

1. You are important to your mother and sisters, especially since your dad is ill. They could never get over the added heartache of losing you. Families always blame themselves. I'm sure you don't want to place that burden on them, on top of taking care of your dad.

2. You are a valuable contributor to PC, and if I'm correct, another site that I go to. Your posts are always articulate, insightful, appropriate and appreciated. You have made an impression on many lives...innumerable replies as well as reads.

3. Think of the impact on your volunteer organization.

4. There is a reason for every person being here, Anne. All our lives are meant to find that purpose...it is a journey.

5. You have a strong support system that have helped you weather many a storm. They will always be there for you. You have the will and insight to ask.

6. You know that this side of BP is the hardest to endure, but goes away gradually. Eventually you will find that "those" thoughts will be pushed to the back of your mind where they belong. ECT is one day away.

7. You've made friends here who understand. When you need us we are here. Please be there for us when it is our turn to be down.

[ladyjrnlist]

Oh, I do so know where you are right now. Of course we have plans. We've been around the block with this one! But the fact that you are writing here shows you are hanging on. Good for you. You will make it to a better place. Tell me how to get there when you arrive!

[Anneinside]

Thanks for all your reasons to stay alive. I am going to write them down and put them on my refrigerator. Thanks so much for all your replies. I saw my therapist this morning and it helped some. I promised her to call a responsible person (her, pdoc, pdoc's nurse, case manager, etc) if it gets too bad. I see my pdoc at ECT tomorrow and both her and my tdoc next week too.

Hanging in there

[wing]