[Secretum]

I've been feeling like a monster lately, a lot of guilt over who I am...If I tell people what I want, I'm too aggressive, too self-centered,etc. If I remain quiet, I'm too weak. I can't win with myself. When I feel sad and irritable, I can't stop focusing on my misery. If I find relief from the depressed mood, I feel guilty about it because I'm "supposed" to feel bad...My cycling tends to be very rapid, and sometimes because of that I don't feel like I'm bipolar. Of course, I'm not normal either. I'm a freak, separated from the rest of humanity. And when I feel like that, I get mad at myself for needing a label to support myself.

I'm doing well by most external measures. I'm enrolled in a decent university, taking advanced classes. I've never (*crosses fingers and knocks on wooden desk*) come anywhere near close to failing, though I do feel like a failure when I get less than an "A". I know what I want to do after college (med school).

But despite all of my academic achievements and lofty goals, I feel like I'm destined to live a miserable life because of my social problems. I used to be very outgoing and popular when I was young. Now, however, I have no one that I feel truly connected to. My family, and even some of my friends, care about me. But I feel uncomfortable with their concern; when they are worried about me, I feel like I am on a stage, naked, and they are staring at my vulnerability. I never felt understood, even by the therapist I saw last spring. I saw one pdoc this summer who seemed to really get me at the first interview, but when I came back to see him we were again on different wavelengths.

It's very difficult for me to make new friends. If I sit next to someone new in class, I'll be friendly. I'll introduce myself, and ask him/her a few questions, trying to make small talk. Then, I'll realize that I'm asking all the questions and doing most of the talking. When I fall silent, the other person doesn't ask me anything. S/he usually makes no effort to keep the conversation going. And it kills me. Am I really so messed up that people can tell within 15 seconds of meeting me? How am I ever going to feel connected to the rest of humanity if that is the result every time I try?! And how is my life ever going to be worth living if I am not connected to other people?!?

I just feel so confined by all of this. Thanks for listening.

[zbmom]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. It's so important for people with bp to have a good T and pdoc. I would recommend you try to find a new one who fits you or try again with your old. In every relationship there will be off days, it takes time to build trust and rapport and get on a similar wavelength.

[vjdragonfly]

Secretum I can so relate to what you are saying. It is hard living as a BPer each and every day. I understand the feeling of being an outcast. I feel that way at times with my own family. Friends wise, I have one which lives in another state so it is like I have none. Sometimes I wonder if we throw off some kind of vibe that we are troubled. There are the good days though that we live for. We can also hope for the right med cocktail to make us "normal". Just know you are not alone. You have us and we understand.

[manicminer]

I used to have the same problem and still do sometimes. I never used to be able to make new friends and hated when people worried about me (still bothers me greatly). It all takes time. If you work at it hard enough, you'll get to know yourself and wat the disorder does to you and start to control it. You'll be able to catch yourself when you're rambling and talking too loud. When you get to this point you can then turn the conversation back on the person and give them a chance to speak. For me this has led to very in depth meaningful conversations with complete stangers.
I feel your pain, Secretum, i really do. For me it too 4 years of college to really open up. It took getting up and speaking in front of large groups of people, forcing myself to meet new people.
One method is to "screw" yourself. Walk up to someone, attempt to shake their hand, or whatever greeting you use, and introduce yourself. If they do as much as introduce themselves, you just "screwed" yourself into talking to them. Simple as that.
Good luck. I'd be glad to answer any questions you have.

[lostbythesea]

Originally Posted by Secretum

I've been feeling like a monster lately, a lot of guilt over who I am...If I tell people what I want, I'm too aggressive, too self-centered,etc. If I remain quiet, I'm too weak. I can't win with myself. When I feel sad and irritable, I can't stop focusing on my misery. If I find relief from the depressed mood, I feel guilty about it because I'm "supposed" to feel bad...My cycling tends to be very rapid, and sometimes because of that I don't feel like I'm bipolar. Of course, I'm not normal either. I'm a freak, separated from the rest of humanity. And when I feel like that, I get mad at myself for needing a label to support myself.

I'm doing well by most external measures. I'm enrolled in a decent university, taking advanced classes. I've never (*crosses fingers and knocks on wooden desk*) come anywhere near close to failing, though I do feel like a failure when I get less than an "A". I know what I want to do after college (med school).

But despite all of my academic achievements and lofty goals, I feel like I'm destined to live a miserable life because of my social problems. I used to be very outgoing and popular when I was young. Now, however, I have no one that I feel truly connected to. My family, and even some of my friends, care about me. But I feel uncomfortable with their concern; when they are worried about me, I feel like I am on a stage, naked, and they are staring at my vulnerability. I never felt understood, even by the therapist I saw last spring. I saw one pdoc this summer who seemed to really get me at the first interview, but when I came back to see him we were again on different wavelengths.

It's very difficult for me to make new friends. If I sit next to someone new in class, I'll be friendly. I'll introduce myself, and ask him/her a few questions, trying to make small talk. Then, I'll realize that I'm asking all the questions and doing most of the talking. When I fall silent, the other person doesn't ask me anything. S/he usually makes no effort to keep the conversation going. And it kills me. Am I really so messed up that people can tell within 15 seconds of meeting me? How am I ever going to feel connected to the rest of humanity if that is the result every time I try?! And how is my life ever going to be worth living if I am not connected to other people?!?

I just feel so confined by all of this. Thanks for listening.

i know exactly how you feel. you rapped up my feelings exactly. but it does get better some times. i actually had a bf that told me i didnt need my meds.

[Secretum]

Thanks, guys. I'm really struggling right now. I'm crying one moment, madly pacing the room the next. I feel that God is a sadist for creating me. I feel 100% different from everyone. I don't see any solutions.

I am not certain of anything. I don't know what I feel, and occaisonally even if I feel. I don't know if anything can satisfy me, ever. Forgive me for my drama, and Im sorry if I triggered anyone. I'm trying to censor myself, but I have things that need to be let out...

I want to be understood. I want to feel human. I want to be grateful for the gift of my life.

I want to belong.

[charlene323]

I feel just like you all the time, some days are better than others, but otherwise I feel like I'm just here and no one really cares. So I guess we are all in this together.

[BNLsMOM]

I get this feeling too, especially when I am depressed or mixed. I think it is a part of the illness. You aren't a monster. You have an illness and you can't control that. You have been supportive here so from what I can see you are a very caring and good person. you belong here.

[angelgirl1980]

its all part of the illness. this can sometimes be a monster illness

[GreenIvy]

It sounds like you do have some good things going for you with school and what you want to do. It also sounds like you need to talk to someone professionally. It may help give you a different perspective on yourself and help make your expectations of yourself more realistic and reasonable. A therapist is a good person to talk to. It takes a little work to find one you can build a relationship with but the outcome is usually worth it. It is also a good idea to find a good Pdoc too. I have no idea if you are on meds, but they can be helpful and useful in managing the symptoms of BP. It takes time to figure out the best combination but it can also be worthwhile to do. I am sorry that you are struggling and hope that things improve for you.

[cin1]

Originally Posted by Secretum

I've been feeling like a monster lately, a lot of guilt over who I am...If I tell people what I want, I'm too aggressive, too self-centered,etc. If I remain quiet, I'm too weak. I can't win with myself. When I feel sad and irritable, I can't stop focusing on my misery. If I find relief from the depressed mood, I feel guilty about it because I'm "supposed" to feel bad...My cycling tends to be very rapid, and sometimes because of that I don't feel like I'm bipolar. Of course, I'm not normal either. I'm a freak, separated from the rest of humanity. And when I feel like that, I get mad at myself for needing a label to support myself.

I'm doing well by most external measures. I'm enrolled in a decent university, taking advanced classes. I've never (*crosses fingers and knocks on wooden desk*) come anywhere near close to failing, though I do feel like a failure when I get less than an "A". I know what I want to do after college (med school).

But despite all of my academic achievements and lofty goals, I feel like I'm destined to live a miserable life because of my social problems. I used to be very outgoing and popular when I was young. Now, however, I have no one that I feel truly connected to. My family, and even some of my friends, care about me. But I feel uncomfortable with their concern; when they are worried about me, I feel like I am on a stage, naked, and they are staring at my vulnerability. I never felt understood, even by the therapist I saw last spring. I saw one pdoc this summer who seemed to really get me at the first interview, but when I came back to see him we were again on different wavelengths.

It's very difficult for me to make new friends. If I sit next to someone new in class, I'll be friendly. I'll introduce myself, and ask him/her a few questions, trying to make small talk. Then, I'll realize that I'm asking all the questions and doing most of the talking. When I fall silent, the other person doesn't ask me anything. S/he usually makes no effort to keep the conversation going. And it kills me. Am I really so messed up that people can tell within 15 seconds of meeting me? How am I ever going to feel connected to the rest of humanity if that is the result every time I try?! And how is my life ever going to be worth living if I am not connected to other people?!?

I just feel so confined by all of this. Thanks for listening.

i feel like you do at times. i am who i am , you are who you are, and does it matter what any one else thinks? i find most people are concerned for themselves, very few genuinely care for others. And when i am on "the stage" naked, i also forget "the words". So i don't think on what others think of me, or if they don't.. I don't know what is on another person's mind unless they tell me, . i have thought i was of no use to any one, so why be here, good question. i began with little things, getting a cup of coffee for someone, playing with Shadow, my yorkie..(she Really loves that.) Part of the reasons i felt unworthy because i am different from other people, i didn't raise children when others my age did, i gave my daughter up at her birth so she could have a healthy family. i still don't fit in anywhere, But i am at the place where i am, and it is mine. hoping the best for you.