So tired

I'm SO tired, not just physically but completely mentally.
I feel if I was Ill with any other illness I'd have time to regroup and recuperate but I can't do that every single time I have an episode.
I haven't seen my friends for a few weeks now.
All my energy is taken up by getting myself to work each day. I have a job where if you need to go to the bathroom then you have to wait 5 minutes for someone else to get signed on and you cause hassle.
My old job knew what was going on and if things were getting too much I was allowed to sit in the staff room and have a drink or just do some filing.
I just feel so tearful and down, I've had lots of thoughts of suicide, but that's not really what I want.
Metaphor - I'm a car going down a long motorway, I have no choice but to keep going, I can't stop, the only other option is to crash.
I have a meal on Friday night to go to, my old boss from my old job is leaving to go to another branch, the likely hood I'll ever see him again is low and he was so brilliant to me I know I have to go. Robert will be there and he wants to go out in town drinking after. I told him flatly no! He moaned he doesn't like this 'not drinking misha.
Thing is I don't think I'm up for the meal.
I'm finding I've lost the ability to hold a conversation, I feel so dead and numb and nothing.
I know none of you have a magic answer but it's good to get it out.

((((((((((misha)))))))))

I like teh metephor...it desribes how I feel right now. Plus I have a horrible tooth ache and can ot see my dentist till friday. Ughhh! I have pain meds but I don't have enoght to last me through the month if I take them for my toothe ache. Ah heck...I am goin to take them anyway.

I like the metaphor too. It describes a lot of my life really. ((((misha)))) if wanted.

I'm in a cycle of work sleep work sleep. Eating isn't even a priority over sleeping! I grab snacks during work and when I get home but I won't stay up long enough to cook a meal.
I'm a very metaphorical person.

Do what you can handle doing.

Does the thing about swishing rum around your gums actually work?

know how you feel... I'm just getting through the days at the moment.

You need time out to regroup. When your life revolves around work and sleep, it becomes a drag. I was recently caught in that spiral too. You need a mind-shift and something positive to look forwards to. To pull you out of this form of depression.
I'd recommend you don't go out for the meal if you don't feel up to it. Rather use the evening to relax and regroup. You need to do what is good for you

Got home from work today and my Nan has travelled down from Derby because my mum is having an operation on her knee tomorrow, so she can pick my brothers up from school and all that.
I'm keeping myself awake and downstairs even though all i want is to go to bed.
So anyways, i get home, read some of my book then two of my friends turn up because my mum called them to come and fix my nans laptop, so i sit in the corner of the room where i just look at the tele and dont have to see the rest of the room.
I then went and sat in the conservatory, my friends followed me in, and we just sat and they talked to me (these specific friends have only seen me depressed once before) but they understand the illness, as one of them is sisters with my best friend and her mum has severe depression, so she kind of gets it.
So we were sat in the conservatory and i was getting used to them being there, cause its the first time i had seen anyone in a while, then they had to go because its getting a bit late. So i comes into the dining room for dinner and my mum goes "oh here comes Miss Happy."
My nan said, "whats wrong with her?"
My mum said, "she's just unsociable."
then my stepdad looked at me and goes, "whats wrong with you, you look like someones died!"

They think i can just pretend. they never have to see me like this cause i only spend time in bed

(((((((hugs)))))))

Some people can be so damn cruel.I am so sorry you had to go through that.This kindof thing makes me so angry. People don't understand that you just can't "be happy" whenever you feel like it. Like really who would choose this life? Who would choose to be miserable and depressed, hell if you could do something about it..you would have already done so. It easy for me to sit here and say dont let it get to you, they are a bunch of jerks, but i know that it's really hard not to think that there is something wrong with you...cause why can't you just be happy. I'm gonna say it anyways people are ignorant, and that was a really ****** thing for them to say to you.

I'm kinda used to it.
The whole of my family on that side is kind of emotionally blank. Stiff upper lip and never ask for help.
They dont understand me, I'm a little ball of emotions that they don't quite know how to deal with.
It's 8.30am I just want to go back to sleep! Not in the mood for today

I had appointments yesterday but I cancelled them and stayed in bed. I made an excuse to my husband that my stomach wasn't well. I lolly-gagged all day, sleeping on and off, feeling heavy, lifeless, depressed. There were leftovers for dinner so I didn't have to cook. I emerged around 8 pm and watched some TV. Not only do I loathe myself, I loathe people who behave this way. I am such a "Debby Downer". Waiting for the med (Lamictal) to be titirated up. Praying that it works because I can't go on like this. I can't stand it day after day...No energy, no motivation, no life. I have all the "support systems" in place, P-doc, T-doc, supportive husband, etc. but I'm such a failure. No magic pill will cure this and I lack the energy to help myself. I can't ever remember it being this bad or lasting this long (started in March and it's all been downhill).