[Trying To Maintain]

I have been diagnosed with Mixed Bipolar/Rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. I do at times have high energy with racing thoughts but feeling bad, angry, and extremely irritable. I have at least three episodes occur each week. Medications will only last for short periods of time. My mood is never stabilized. It remains a constant battle to maintain. My mania results in aggressive anger and rage (sometimes uncontrollable). My depression results in constant crying and self-loathing.
Anxiety happens at least once a day. Large crowds, confrontation, things not going as planned, failure of loved ones, feelings of a hopeless future, and just being around an individual triggers the anxiety. This anxiety can be mild (somewhat manageable) or it can paralyze me in a way that I cannot speak or sometimes even move.
Sleeplessness has become a larger issue as the years go by. At first it was extremely hard for me to get to sleep. There were nights that I would just sit up all night. Some medications have helped but they are short-term fixes. Lately, I not only have trouble getting to sleep, but remaining asleep. When awaken, I am up for two to three hours before I can go back to sleep. An average night’s sleep is about four hours.
I have come to realize that my mind does not process things the way that would be deemed normal. Everything is extreme in my eyes. Either it is good or bad, black or white, happy or angry. There is no middle ground.
I find it hard to be around myself.
I had a hard time accepting the diagnoses of bipolar and actually prefer the term manic-depressant personally because many do not take the condition seriously. I feel dismissed.
All I can say it that it is a constant battle for me. I spend a great deal of time alone because it is the best way for me to manage. This condition has impacted my life so much so that I lost my job during a manic phase when anger came out towards my boss. All those things that you just put up with in your day-to-day job operations are manageable but when medications do not work and stress is at its peak, aggressive anger can pour out. There seems to be little support for individuals like me. I am in therapy and I am medication compliant. The following is a list of the medications that I have been prescribed in an attempt to manage this condition. They are listed with what they were prescribed for.
Celexa (Depression), Lexapro (Depression), Paxil (Panic Disorder), Prozac (Depression), Zoloft (Depression), Cymbalta (Depression), Wellbutrin (Depression), Buspirone (Anxiety), Abilify (Depression), Lamictal (Mood Stabilizer), Ambien (Sleep), Geodon (Anti-Psychotic), Neurontin (Sleep), Klonopin (Anxiety), Lunesta (Sleep), Topamax (Mood Stabilizer), Trazodone (Sleep), Atarax (Sleep and Anxiety), Levothyroxine (Thyroid Disorder), Amitriptyline (Sleep) and Ativan (Anxiety).
To me, this seems ridiculous. In the age of science and technology, why can’t a cure be found?

[popeye]

I am sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. I was diagnosed when I was 24(1975) and would not accept the digagnosis because I was a psych nurse and worked at a state hospital where I saw the worst symptoms of Bipolar. In 1997 I finally got sick enough to lose my job. I had fits of rage too and took it out on my patients.Many were in for murder so they were what I thought were desreving of my rage isues. I also lost a job after beating my boss up. That was fun.LOL I take my meds as ordered and am usually stable enough to function. I an on Zyprexa,lamictal,paxil,and clonopin. I no longer have rage issues but I do have severe anxiety borderlining on panic attacks. Sometimes I abuse my clonopin. I even drank with my meds for years. Finally went to AA and got sober. I am over 5 years sober now. I have never met a person that did not self medicate...usually with alcohol. I was successful at most of the things I did so it was hard for me to accept my condition. I had alot of hypomania. I am diagnosed as Bipolar II but think I am Bipolar I because I get delusional if I don't take my zyprexa.

[Astridetal]

Welcome here. I do not have BP but I can relate to the rage episodes. They're less since I take Abilify and Celexa. I am really sorry you have a hard time functioning. I hope you can someday find the right combo of meds that works for you. Also I can understand about having a hard time accepting the diagnosis. People don't take bipolar seriously indeed, say they feel a bit bipolar when they have mixed feelings about something, which is really stupid. I hope you find lots of support here on PC.

Have you ever considered you may have borderline personality disorder. Food for thought. Welcome and sorry with what you are going through.

[espritlibre]

TryingtoMaintain, I am so glad I found your post. I can relate to so much of what you have just described; in particular:

- high energy/racing thoughts, but negative mood
- constant mood shifts
- daily anxiety (for me it always starts between getting off my first bus in the morning and getting on the second)
- struggling to fall/stay asleep (although in my case it sometimes switches round and in a depressive episode I can sleep to the point that people think I'm lazy)

Hopefully your diagnosis will be a positive shift for you, and you can get help that is tailored towards managing/stabilising your moods rather than simply tackling one symptom on its own.

[spartiandbumble]

Originally Posted by Trying To Maintain

I have been diagnosed with Mixed Bipolar/Rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. I do at times have high energy with racing thoughts but feeling bad, angry, and extremely irritable. I have at least three episodes occur each week. Medications will only last for short periods of time. My mood is never stabilized. It remains a constant battle to maintain. My mania results in aggressive anger and rage (sometimes uncontrollable). My depression results in constant crying and self-loathing.
Anxiety happens at least once a day. Large crowds, confrontation, things not going as planned, failure of loved ones, feelings of a hopeless future, and just being around an individual triggers the anxiety. This anxiety can be mild (somewhat manageable) or it can paralyze me in a way that I cannot speak or sometimes even move.
Sleeplessness has become a larger issue as the years go by. At first it was extremely hard for me to get to sleep. There were nights that I would just sit up all night. Some medications have helped but they are short-term fixes. Lately, I not only have trouble getting to sleep, but remaining asleep. When awaken, I am up for two to three hours before I can go back to sleep. An average night’s sleep is about four hours.
I have come to realize that my mind does not process things the way that would be deemed normal. Everything is extreme in my eyes. Either it is good or bad, black or white, happy or angry. There is no middle ground.
I find it hard to be around myself.
I had a hard time accepting the diagnoses of bipolar and actually prefer the term manic-depressant personally because many do not take the condition seriously. I feel dismissed.
All I can say it that it is a constant battle for me. I spend a great deal of time alone because it is the best way for me to manage. This condition has impacted my life so much so that I lost my job during a manic phase when anger came out towards my boss. All those things that you just put up with in your day-to-day job operations are manageable but when medications do not work and stress is at its peak, aggressive anger can pour out. There seems to be little support for individuals like me. I am in therapy and I am medication compliant. The following is a list of the medications that I have been prescribed in an attempt to manage this condition. They are listed with what they were prescribed for.
Celexa (Depression), Lexapro (Depression), Paxil (Panic Disorder), Prozac (Depression), Zoloft (Depression), Cymbalta (Depression), Wellbutrin (Depression), Buspirone (Anxiety), Abilify (Depression), Lamictal (Mood Stabilizer), Ambien (Sleep), Geodon (Anti-Psychotic), Neurontin (Sleep), Klonopin (Anxiety), Lunesta (Sleep), Topamax (Mood Stabilizer), Trazodone (Sleep), Atarax (Sleep and Anxiety), Levothyroxine (Thyroid Disorder), Amitriptyline (Sleep) and Ativan (Anxiety).
To me, this seems ridiculous. In the age of science and technology, why can’t a cure be found?

It is a constant battle and there is no cure. This is very hard to accept ... this is my first year of accepting that I have a mental illness and the first year I have talked about it, even to friends.
However, there is help. There are kind people who try to understand.
Although you feel alone and uncomfortable with yourself, it is worth fighting this. I am lucky this week I have had 3 days in a row of feeling 'stable'. The first time in months ... I am now on four medications, all new and I just pray they will give me some relief maybe even a few weeks .. but I know I will have to keep fighting this ... I hope you find the strength.

[popeye]

My wife is borderline personality and you don't sound like you are. Do you cut or injure yourself?

[BNLsMOM]

I have the same diagnosis of rapid cycling mixed bipolar. I too have had a hard time stabilizing. I didn't see depakote on your list of meds. I had a significant improvement when I started it. I am still not stable, but I see an improvement. I take depakote, prozac, wellbutrin, trazodone, propanolol, and risperdone at the moment. I will be getting off risperdone soon because side effects. I hope you find some relief soon.

[bipolarmama]

I relate significantly to yoru post...I was having trouble accepting my anger was a part of my illness and not just a poor character flaw in my personality that has developed out of bitterness towards the way I am. You have given me some insight as to how it fits in there. I relate to you a lot. Hoping one day at a time it all comes together for you.