Hi, I'm new to the BP forum...I'm sure this probably happens a lot here so I apologize in advance, but I really need some anonymous/objective input (for whatever that's worth) I really apologize for the length....

Basically, I don't know whether to believe that I have bipolar (been diagnosed with BP II since I was about 14, am now 28). I honestly can't remember how the first diagnosis came about, other than the fact that I was forced by my school to see a therapist when it was discovered I had been cutting my wrists repeatedly and pretty badly (basically all scar tissue now, though never deep). Anyway, I've never quite believed/trusted the diagnosis, partly, I think, because from age 5 - 10 (ish) I went through a really bizarre phase of faking illness/injury...I ended up at the hospital A LOT, and was treated for many things I didn't really have (even crutches, casts etc.). At the same time I was really really terrified of getting sick and had a lot of phobias/OCD rituals etc etc..because of this, I presume, I have a hard time trusting myself and others when it comes to "diagnosis," and fear that I am somehow 'faking it' subconsciously...

I've been to many psychiatrists and therapists, all of whom believe I have some form of BP, but I still can't quite believe it, and therefore I always end up ceasing treatment. If anyone has the patience to read this, I would really appreciate your input! Here is my history/situation, in a nutshell:

When I was a teenager I was incredibly reckless, maybe even a bit out of touch with reality. I would do things like pick up strange men and sleep with them, sneak out of the house every night and drive around until the early morning (without a license), lots of drugs/alcohol (anything that was given to me, even if by a stranger in a dark alley), elaborate schemes to somehow 'escape' / go on an adventure - stealing, forging checks, attempted runaways to mexico etc...basically I was extremely impulsive and reckless (dropped out of high school, stole a dog from the pound - like a typical rebellious teenager on steroids). Was put on depakote at 15 - hated it and stopped.

At about 18 I went into a a many years-long state of depression and extreme anxiety/panic (had to leave college for a few months because I felt I couldn't walk/drive/exist). I was definitely not depressed the whole time, but in general I think of this as my "panic/depression" era. The extreme anxiety during this time prohibited me from engaging in impulsive behavior/activity.

Now, I started a PhD program at age 21, which I am currently still in. While I definitely don't feel like my life is in shambles, I do suffer from up and down swings which have affected my performance quite a bit. In fact I have gone an entire year without accomplishing anything due (I think) my moods. Basically what happens is that I will get excited about an idea, chase after it as it turns into a gorgeous, infinite constellation - at which point I am in a state of euphoria and marvel (and both the world and my own 'special insight' into it), and then, pretty soon, it starts to feel overwhelming, it moves too quickly, I can't keep up, I lose it, in the distance it begins to look like a delusion and what once felt like a 'revelation' now looks overstuffed and ridiculous. I proceed to hate myself, become suicidal etc. etc.

During the 'up' I really feel amazing at first, and often refract my focus into many activities (a new instrument, a trip, learning new software) - it feels kind of like I just drank a ton of coffee - like I'm vibrating within. I don't sleep or eat as much, but this difference isn't too extreme...maybe 1-2 hours less of sleep, and food is either just something that needs to be done quickly, or sometimes it tastes especially amazing. Sometimes the hyper feeling is uncomfortable, like I want to jump out of my skin - I can't stand it when someone is talking too slow, or taking too long. I generally just feel sharper, more beautiful and confident, I feel like I'm funny and witty...versus dull and ordinary.

While these days/weeks feel great, they always end up crashing. This has led to issues with moving forward with my work at school (with constant "epiphanies" I change the topic of my dissertation, only to "realize" how stupid it/I am, and then the process begins again). I'm really scared I will be kicked out of the program or never be able to finish.

Like I said, I don't know what to think of my BP diagnosis (most recent one was only a few weeks ago). My fear is that I've somehow tricked myself into believing I have it, thereby causing an overexaggaration. I also fear, however, that maybe I do have some form of BP and that resisting the diagnosis has landed me in this cyclical rut. With all its "soft" versions now, it's really hard to decipher what's what, and then what to do about it (I've been prescribed abilify 3 times but never end up taking it...)

For anyone who has managed to get through this much text, please let me know if you recognize yourself in this...and any advice would be appreciated.

[wildflowerchild25]

That is my life! Minus all the reckless behavior as a teen. I just sat in my room on forums and journals and stuff...anyway I too faked illness/injury many times as a child. I rarely actually went to the doctor as my mother was neglectful (hence why I was faking injury) but I loved when I managed to get crutches or a wrist brace or something. I spent a disturbing amount of time trying to break an arm.

And because of this, I have spent the whole year since symptoms resurfaced believing that maybe I'm just making this all up for attention. Maybe I somehow willed this to happen so I could have something wrong with me. Maybe it's all fake.

It took me te better part of a year to accept the diagnosis as real. And even so, I still stopped my meds in December, thinking once again that maybe it was all in my head and maybe I didn't actually have anything wrong with me. Three weeks ago I slid into a moderate depression and decided maybe that was the sign that it's real...so I started my meds again.

It's still on my mind though. If I stop the pills again maybe nothing will happen because I don't really have anything wrong with me...I just wish I did.

But since the meds seem to help keep me even, I keep taking them. I have to be able to tell my son that I did everything in my power to be the best mom I can be. If I don't take the meds, I feel like I'm not really trying. That's what my mom did. I don't want to do that to my son.

I totally get where you're coming from. I've never met anyone who has admitted what you have...I feel so ashamed of that part of me. Glad to know I'm not alone.

[renie1022]

I just wanted to say I read your story, and I feel for you and all you've been through. I think, honestly it sounds a bit like either Borderline (the cutting) or Bipolar (the manicky behavior). I think I have a combination of the two and while my story is different, there are threads of similarity there. It sucks.
renie

thank you so much for your message...I wondered about borderline recently but when I asked my therapist she basically looked at me like "seriously?" and I felt really embarrassed (haven't seen her since). What is your story?

I can't believe someone else has had this experience!! I too am so ashamed of it, and anxious to tell anyone I know for fear they will never believe anything I say about anything (I have since developed an obsessive need to be really honest about everything, even when it doesn't matter).

Also, my mother - who is a very good mom, but emotionally rather cold/not very affectionate (the opposite of me) - was with a man before I was born who had what sounds like extreme bipolar (as in he would be wandering around in a psychosis for days) so that's her idea of what it is and she's always acted really skeptical about my many diagnoses, "well if that idea helps you to deal with your moods" - that sort of attitude (drives me crazy!!). My father, on the other hand, has had major depressions that sent him to the hospital throughout my childhood...though he's never been diagnosed bipolar, I've always wondered since he is a very successful artist and I watch him go into crazy bursts of productivity.

Anyway, I'm so very curious to hear more about your story. I seriously have never met anyone who shared this...I know that it was about attention when younger, but I'm not sure why it manifested this way. Also wondering what your bipolar symptoms are like? I'm feeling very 'normal' today so, yet again, am thinking I was overreacting and feeling silly about it...

[BipolaRNurse]

Oh, wow. So I'm not the only one who used to make herself sick, or fake ankle sprains as a child! I actually would sit out in the rain for hours, trying to get pneumonia (and succeeding some of the time) in the hope that I'd come close enough to death to get my mother's attention and concern. Isn't that pathetic.....

I've never told that to anyone. Not even my pdoc, who I honestly thought was humoring me for the first year or so after diagnosing me with BP. I couldn't believe there was anything really wrong with me, since my health issues were basically ignored when I was young and I was always told "life is tough, wear a helmet". I thought he was just calling it BP because I had so many ups and downs, and that at some point he'd say "You're OK, I just medicated you to get you through that rough patch". Yeah, my thinking was pretty effed up all right.

The only time I was taken seriously when I was growing up, was when I fell into a clinical depression at age 13 and didn't come out of it for months. I just wanted to disappear, and if it meant dying, oh well, no great loss. Finally my mother took me to several doctors and NPs, and I was put on some kind of pills---I never knew what they were---but they all gave me bad side effects and eventually the depression went away.

It was back then that I first heard the words "manic depression".....I'll never know if it was in reference to me, but I remember hearing her talking to my dad when I was in another room. I kind of doubt it, because nobody was really diagnosing teenagers with that back then, but it sticks out in my mind and I wonder why. But of course, I got better and the whole matter was dropped, and I fought BP without knowing it for the next 40 years.

Whew! What a relief it is to get that out in the open! It's been my secret shame for decades.....I never knew it could've been part of, or a precursor to, my illness. Thank you OP for bringing up the topic.

[wildflowerchild25]

I've never told anyone either, bp nurse - I guess because people are so dismissive if they think you're "seeking attention". No one ever stops to think that something must be seriously wrong if you're goin to such great lengths to get people to notice you...

Pterodactyl - I'm going to private message you - I feel like some of the regulars here are probably tired of reading "my story" lol! But I'd love to talk to you more.

[Roblovescats]

Nobody is tired of reading your story because many of us live it every day in our own ways. I have no doubt from reading all of it that you are bipolar I ... So am I ... So are many of us. I could go on and on about the parallels in our behavior and feelings. If you want I can but in short they are there. I specially relate to starting big things then stop. Maybe I will show you the ten or fifteen paintings I started but never finished before starting some new one. I haven't painted in over a year now. Medication I guess "fixed" me? Then I get sick of being fixed and stop and get manic and that's when hypersexuality takes hold. So anyway good luck with your PhD and if it's any comfort I was able to get my Masters degree with this so I think you can make it too.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi, can you tell me what helped you get through a MA program? My committee chair just emailed me yesterday wanting an "update" (on the zero progress I've made in the past year...) and am terrified she is going to hand down an ultimatum...it's so frustrating to try so hard and still look like an erratic slacker!

Also, were you referring to me in terms of BP 1, or one of the other posters?

[hamster-bamster]

Pterodactyl,

The account sounds like a textbook case of bipolar, plus maybe some borderline as has been picked up already (cutting only, and that stopped).

In general, non-psych parlance, you are an overachiever who crashed. Getting into phd program straight from college without taking a break is being overachieving. You are probably very able and, when hypomanic, creative and inventive, but you do not have the tools, due to a combination of bipolar and young age, to work with your talents and ideas productively with little structure. Structure is key. When you were in college, structure was imposed by you in the form of class schedule, midterms, finals, term papers and possibly labs, and you succeeded so well that you got admitted into your PhD program. But now nobody babysits you and you cannot create your own structure to harness your potential. Your situation with no progress in a year is dire, but not lethal. You need a disability leave. They can't kick you out when you are on leave - ADA regulates universities in the US. I don't know for how long you can be on leave, but if you go to the students with disabilities center on campus, they will be able to advise you of your rights and possibly be an advocate In your dealings with the department. They may enable you to go on disability without releasing your dx to the department, although being bbipolar In the academe is much better than being bipolar in the industry or in healthcare. Some years ago there was a woman on this forum named AniManiac. She was a PhD student whose department knew of her bipolar. She d3fended the dissertation and left this forum in favor of blogging. Let me see if I have her blog address I the inbox... I am sure she will be happy to talk to you.

[hamster-bamster]

See the thread titled "Still Kicking".

Hi and thanks for your reply - your description is eerily right-on! My undergrad degree is in art - and I can definitely say that art school rewards manic behavior...e.g., 18 hour days in the studio...

My main issue still, is that not one person in my family is 'concerned' about me or believes in my diagnoses - and every time I try to bring it up I end up feeling angry, resentful, and/or embarrassed. Even when I was younger and acting out like a wild child, they did nothing and never took me seriously (I'm just "sensitive" or "stressed" or begging for attention). Perhaps it's time to just figure this out on my own, no matter what anyone else thinks.

I will look into my school's policy, however I have a vague recollection that one actually can't leave school due to mental health issues, unless they lapse registration. There is a woman in my department who has recently ended up in the hospital multiple times after over-dosing on pills (she says they aren't suicide attempts, she just 'wanted to sleep for a few says', but we are not close so I don't really know the situation...) - I would imagine she would be taking leave if possible, yet she's still technically a regular, full-time student as well. The UC system is pretty screwy that way due to all the recent budget cuts.

Anyway, thanks again for your message and input (and the AniManiac reference - I already checked out her blog!)

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Pterodactyl,

The account sounds like a textbook case of bipolar, plus maybe some borderline as has been picked up already (cutting only, and that stopped).

In general, non-psych parlance, you are an overachiever who crashed. Getting into phd program straight from college without taking a break is being overachieving. You are probably very able and, when hypomanic, creative and inventive, but you do not have the tools, due to a combination of bipolar and young age, to work with your talents and ideas productively with little structure. Structure is key. When you were in college, structure was imposed by you in the form of class schedule, midterms, finals, term papers and possibly labs, and you succeeded so well that you got admitted into your PhD program. But now nobody babysits you and you cannot create your own structure to harness your potential. Your situation with no progress in a year is dire, but not lethal. You need a disability leave. They can't kick you out when you are on leave - ADA regulates universities in the US. I don't know for how long you can be on leave, but if you go to the students with disabilities center on campus, they will be able to advise you of your rights and possibly be an advocate In your dealings with the department. They may enable you to go on disability without releasing your dx to the department, although being bbipolar In the academe is much better than being bipolar in the industry or in healthcare. Some years ago there was a woman on this forum named AniManiac. She was a PhD student whose department knew of her bipolar. She d3fended the dissertation and left this forum in favor of blogging. Let me see if I have her blog address I the inbox... I am sure she will be happy to talk to you.

[hamster-bamster]

I just bought Touched by Fire by Kay Jamison. You probably should read it, too, about creativity and manic depressive illness.

Let us know what the school's disabilities office would tell you.