Sleep - an estranged friend and occasional enemy

I have always, always struggled with sleep. I have a seemingly permanently racing mind, with the exception of during deep depressions.

Weds, after confiding in/breaking down in front of somebody, I knew I had far too much to process to be able to fall asleep easily.
Thurs, being a little manic, I didn't *want* to sleep, so like a petulant child refused to go to bed.
Fri, still buzzing, I was stll up at 4am inexplicably throwing perfectly good food out!
Sat, I had a friend over so inevitably did not get much sleep.
Sun, I had an essay due the next day, so did not sleep at all due to frantically trying to get it done.

The upshot is, after 4 nights of little sleep and 1 night of none, I was absolutely wrecked by Monday. I somehow made it through the whole day at work and stayed up until about 10pm before going to bed and waiting for the exhaustion to kick in. I only woke up once in the night, slept through my morning alarms and called in sick to work. I then proceeded to sleep fitfully throughout the morning.

I woke up frequently, but each time slipped back into the same dream, or at least the same dreamlike situation. Each time I awoke I thought, "please don't let me end up there again" and each time I fell asleep again, I was back. On one occasion I woke up and began to cry. I've had this before - during one painful depressive episode I would fall asleep, but dream I was in exactly the same situation as when I was awake, but with the sense of a terrible presence in the room. I would wake up exhausted, praying not to fall into the dream again, but I repeated the terrifying cycle for several hours. The fear was suffocating.

Now I find myself in bed, tired, but with a racing mind. I want to sleep, I want to shut off all the chattering in my head, but I don't want to find myself trapped inside my thoughts again. I crave the numbness that sleeping pills induce, but sadly have none.

(Sorry as always for the essay-length post)

Can you call for something? Or can you take tylenol PM?

It's nearly 3am here - I wouldn't disturb anyone. I should have anticipated this and made sure I had pills. It's awful. I just want everything to stop.

Have you tried thinking of a dream you want to have rather than a dream you don't want to have before going to bed. It might be easier if you try to visualize the positive situation rather than the negative one you want to avoid.

I would & have disturbed my pdoc for something to help me sleep. There is always somebody on call & it was either pills for sleep or admit me. Those were the options I quoted him. The sleeping pills worked.
They can give you something to try that will hopefully work in combo with your other meds. Don't give up!

Thank you for your replies. I had under 2 hours in the end, and made it into work for long enough to get some essential things done before coming home early so I don't end up off sick tomorrow (too much to catch up on if I miss even a day).

It's yet another reason why I clearly need to bite the bullet and ask for/demand some proper help. I was referred to Health in Mind, but after they took nearly 2 months to contact me, combined with seeing on their website that they can only help with "mild to moderate" problems (and not bipolar or anything so 'complex') I no longer want to pursue this route.

What I want is an appointment with a pdoc who can help me make sense of what is going on. I'm hoping this will happen soon. Last night I felt like if there had been sleeping pills available, I would have just continued taking them until shutting down. This concerns me when I don't actually want to kill myself (just to stop sometimes) and I know for a fact that the consequences would be unpleasant as I've looked up the effects of overdose for this particular pill in the past (in the hope of avoiding that urge).

spunds like an appt. w/ pdoc would be most helpfull, altho if thngs get to bad in the meantinme please dont be afraid to check yourself in at the closest er.

I have an appt with the doctor on mon so am hoping he will ref me to pdoc asap. I don't really want to wait until mon when I'm still feeling so low, it seems like a long time away. But my surgery is so busy, I'm lucky to get one this soon tbh.

Am in bed but yet again can't switch my mind off at all. So frustrated. I have some stuff on my iPod to listen to but my mind won't even engage with stuff that's *designed* to help, so am listening to music instead for now. Don't think I can handle another night like the last one though...

Just a thought for Monday with reg doc. If he won't agree to Ambein or something in that class of drugs. Ask him/her for Atarax, generic is hydroxyzine (spelling?) it's basically an antihistamine, non narcotic. It works for me when nothing else will.
Maybe you could ask about this& hopefully it will be ok with your other meds
Insomnia is almost a nightly thing I deal with but don't have the bad dreams & thoughts during sleep.
This is ONLY a suggestion & only if you feel comfortable asking.
Just hate to see you suffer so much to get some sleep. I am not a T or a doc.
Hope this helps!!

Thanks for the advice. Last time I went (two months ago) he recommended Mirtazapine for depression, anxiety and sleeping problems. It's still in the back of my mind and if he mentions it again I think I might take him up on it. I just worry about taking any kind of medication at the moment. Sometimes I'm desperate for it, just something, anything to dull feeling. Other times I'm far too wary to even consider it, I don't want to end up dependent on anything, and I don't want anything to push me the other way into craziness either, as has happened in the past.

I thought I was coming back up today - despite lack of sleep, I didn't feel like dying (that's me being overdramatic about the physical effects of sleeplessness, rather than suggesting that I'm currently suicidal). I was rather hoping it might turn into a little buzz of hypomania like last week. But I'm feeling completely drained again now. My mind is just full of negativity and I can't make it shut the hell up. I hate writing like this - I hate *feeling* like this.

The non-prescription stuff that has helped me in the past with sleep is melatonin (I think it might not be legal in Europe but it's OTC in the US) and Dramamine. Yep, motion sickness medicine - the standard formula, not the non-drowsy stuff. It puts me right out unless I'm really really hypomanic.

Another approach that might help is progressive relaxation. I learned this technique in drama classes in high school and it would literally put the whole class to sleep! You can do a web search and find out the details. It sounds a little silly but it can work. You might be able to find an audio recording where someone with a very soothing voice guides you through it. Your mileage may vary, but maybe worth a try!