[Secretum]

It's getting intense. It takes great effort to organize my thoughts, but I usually can do it. I still can go to class, though I really, really don't want to. I'm having problems remembering things; I don't know if that's due to the depression or to tegretol. I have super-important exams, but I can't study. And if I do manage to study, I can't remember enough. I'm so stupid. Why do I even try?

All I want to do is sleep, but whenever I nap I wake up feeling worse. The dirty dishes are piling up. My apartment is a mess. I care just enough to beat myself up about it.

I see other people my age pursuing their interests vigorously. They accomplish more. They think they are better than I am. I crave their energy, drive and passion.

I want to go to med school, but I question whether it would be a good idea to pursue such a high pressure career. I can scarcely take care of myself; how can I care for others? But I can't see myself doing anything else with my life.

I want to do something incredible. I want my life to mean something. But I am unwilling/unable to put forth the effort required. I long to be able to work hard, like I did a few years ago, but the thought of the associated pain drives me away.

I impulsively almost stepped in front of a bus today. This is starting to scare me. I want to live, I just don't want to live like this. I've read about kindling theory. If I don't get this under control now, it will only get worse. But I don't know how to get it under control. Call my pdoc? The only thing she can do is prescribe drugs that probably won't work, and that very well could make things worse.

I need to dig myself out of this, but I am too weak. And there enlies the problem.

Thanks for reading my rant. Depression sucks.

[Raindropvampire]

It does indeed suck. Do you have a T you can talk to? I hate to admit it but talking things out sometimes helps. Plus it doesn't hurt to have someone there who will give you a kick to the rump when you need it. If you feel this bad then I would say it is time for new meds. You don't even want to know how many combinations I was on before they got the right mix and doses. It is amazing what the right meds can do for you. You might want to rethink giving your Pdoc a call. Good luck to you.

[beadlady29-old]

Hi Secretum.
deporession does suck................rotten stinky foo foo eggs
but their are some thing other then medfs that can help
since u are in school, and are frustrated by your apt. beign messed up, beads have a suggestoin far you.
stickign to a routine can be very good tool in magnaging depressoin, as well as other mental illness. so please do keep going to your classes at school. also try to go to bed at the same time each nite and get out of bed same time each morening. mabe you can work out a schedule far yourself to follow ...like work it around your classes at school adn any other commitments you mite have, but like make certain times far studying, certain times far cleaning your apartment, cdertqain times far meals (aqnd cleaning up the dishes afterwards) as well as takeing your meds at the same time evry day. that is a imprtant one becuz your medicein will work gooder iffen u take it at the same time every day.
another suggestoin to combat depressoin is to exercise. it does not have to be like super vigeruos are anything....dunno what kinda shape your health is in but even iffen you can get out and take a walk far like half hour to 45 minutes 3 are more time a week will help tremendously.
good nutritoin is also important. when ur body does not get the nutreints, etc. it needs to functoin properly that in itself can cause u to be depressed. so please try adn eat healthy foods.
beads can try ta comer up with more suggestoins iffen we sets adn thunkeds about it, so please let me know 1. iffen any of this is helpful, and 2. iffen you would like more ideas.
mabe that is enuf far starters.
we wish you the best and please feel free to pm beads anytime iffen u want are need to.
sendign hugs and positive, peacefull thunked to you,
mary & mary sue & all of us beadies

[Secretum]

Beads, thank you very much for your kind and prompt reply. You are absolutely right; it is crucial to stick to a consistent schedule. It's just hard for me.

Thanks again!

Edit:
And raindropvampire, thanks for your encouragement as well. I somehow didn't see your post; sorry if that hurt you in any way. I'm currently looking for a therapist. It's a stressful process, as is the medication situation. Thanks for sharing your story; it gives me a bit of hope.

[beadlady29-old]

YW Secretum! beads has hard time stickign to one as well, adn some days we fail miserably, but most days not so bad. T days seem to be worst days far us to be consistent in stuff. but we just keeps tryign. hope all goes gooder far u!

[Confusedinomicon]

if you are dx bipolar you can go to your disability resource center and register. They will help you out (if you need extra time on tests, tutoring etc.)

Good luck. There is nothing wrong with big dreams.

You can look into some homeopathic medicine, too, and look meditation. Supplements like fish oil (omega-3) can help...I've found that finding God in my life has helped me. (Not that I'm recommending it, but getting in touch with the spiritual part of yourself can help I think...it's helped me.)

Also, I think that you're not going to really work "hard" until you can confront that pain. I know it's hard, but if you associate studying/good grades/etc with pain then the willingness to do it is not going to be there. Confronting it will be hard (your T can help you in this!) but it will be worth it. You might find a renewed drive from this.

[kindachaotic]

(((((((Secretum))))))) Do you have access to a T at your school? Or if you don't want them to know I hope you find one very soon!!
Don't give up on the meds another tweak is worth a try. Don't give up on yourself or your school work. Like the others said if you can start with one thing & focus on that however simple it may be, give it a try.

Have had to re-start so to speak but thought I was gonna throw up before & during the "getting started" moment. Ended up getting more than one thing done & felt better, but had to MAKE myself get up & do something. It does suck trying to do the most simple things.
We want you better & per suing your dreams with positive thoughts!!

[venusss]

First, I wanna say I can relate to lot of what you say, Secretum.


I want to go to med school, but I question whether it would be a good idea to pursue such a high pressure career. I can scarcely take care of myself; how can I care for others? But I can't see myself doing anything else with my life.

I want to do something incredible. I want my life to mean something. But I am unwilling/unable to put forth the effort required. I long to be able to work hard, like I did a few years ago, but the thought of the associated pain drives me away.

If one has dream, they have to pursue it hard. Dreams require sacrifizes... maybe it will take longer than you would like to... to achieve it, but if this is what you want to do... go for it. Don't stray

I impulsively almost stepped in front of a bus today. This is starting to scare me. I want to live, I just don't want to live like this. I've read about kindling theory. If I don't get this under control now, it will only get worse. But I don't know how to get it under control. Call my pdoc? The only thing she can do is prescribe drugs that probably won't work, and that very well could make things worse.

Kindling theory is... just a theory. I believe it is possible to grow out of the quirk a bit... at least get used to it, me more distracted.

What can you do right now to improve the situation, just a bit?

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by Secretum

I want to go to med school, but I question whether it would be a good idea to pursue such a high pressure career. I can scarcely take care of myself; how can I care for others? But I can't see myself doing anything else with my life.

So much sympathy - I can really relate! I'm also pursuing a high pressure career; once in awhile I step back and realize that I actually have accomplished a lot, even if I don't feel like that's true. Sometimes it can help to talk with peers and get an "objective" view of things - we're often so poor at judging our own performance, and it's often unfair to compare our performance to that of others. We are different people, we take different paths, and we have different outcomes - and all of that is OK!

I go for months at a time, when depression strikes, unable to work on things about which I am truly impassioned. Similar thoughts, like "I can hardly learn this stuff myself; how could I teach it to others?" But like you, I can't see myself doing anything else with my life.

That's a gift! Not everyone is so fortunate to know their calling. Depression is even more painful when you don't know what you want to accomplish in life. To the extent that you can, keep that goal central, and remind yourself that others (with similar challenges) have made this journey as well - and you can too. This is what I keep telling myself lately. Other people with this same disorder succeed in this career, so I can do it too, even if it's really hard sometimes. The challenge is probably part of the appeal, but you probably can't really feel that connection right now. There's a big difference between intellectually knowing something to be true and feeling it, but keep reminding yourself on that intellectual level, and eventually it might sink down to the emotional level as well.

And maybe that's all garbage, but I think you shouldn't give up on your goals. We all have the potential to do something amazing, but it usually takes more than luck. Sticking it out through these tough times is part of the recipe for success.

Secretum... sorry you are feeling so badly. There are good thoughts in above posts. Hope you are able to feel better soon.

[Secretum]

Thank you everyone, for taking the time to show your concern and offer your advice. Today hasn't been as bad. I'm still very fatigued physically, and I still definitely can feel that something is wrong, but I have enough mental energy to believe that things may get better at some point.

Confused, you're definitely right about the healing effects of spirituality. I've been further away from God than I'd like for the past several weeks. Maybe I'll try fish oil.

Kindachaotic, the counseling center at my school does offer free therapy, but only 10 sessions/calendar year, which I've used up. So I've got to find a T in the community which honestly is an exhausting process...

Venus, you're right. I need to do something right now to make myself feel a little better, and then build on it and build on it. I suppose I could start with taking a walk, since exercise is supposed to have antidepressant effects. It's just hard for me to get into healthy habits.

Ani, thanks for your empathy. Hopefully we'll both end up where we'd like to be!

Innerzone, the hugs are much appreciated. Here's one back.