Depressed

Today was a good day, that is... Until my boyfriend texted me. He told me it doesn't feel like we're dating, that we're just really good friends who eat lunch together everyday. And the reasoning? He didn't say, but I know it's because I won't hold hands with him or hug him or anything like that.

This makes me really upset because I told him and we've discussed it, that holding hands and doing stuff like that makes me incredibly nervous and he's respected it. But apparently not genuinely. Obviously, if he feels this way about it, then he wants something that he should know he's not going to get from me.

This makes me depressed because now I feel horrible. I like him and don't want to upset him, but I also feel so out of place in the world. I can't even hold hands with my own boyfriend? I feel like a freak, I really do.

And now I'm feeling depressed because of my mental illness and feeling upset that I even have it in the first place....

And that's pretty much how my train of thoughts went and are at the moment.

I don't know what to do. D:

(((((((Hydrophobic1212)))))))

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. If you don't mind my asking, why does holding hands and other displays of affection make you nervous? You don't have to answer if it's too personal. I'm wondering because depending on the issue and its severity, you could benefit from therapy for it.

I'm already in therapy, dealing with it. Thank you, though.

As for why, I really don't know. It just makes me nervous.

He broke up with me tonight, though, by basically telling me I wasn't good enough for him.

Oh my, I'm so sorry Hydrophobic1212.
I imagine you probably feel really down right now, so I can't imagine anything I say would cheer you up. I'm not going to give you the cliche "There are more fish in the sea" crap. Plus, as an asexual, I am probably just awful with relationship advice.

However, it seems to me that, when you are ready to date again, you need a boyfriend who is totally understanding, and patient. If he is not willing to wait, and cares too much about the physical aspects of the relationship, he's probably not the one for you.

I think it's great, by the way, that you are addressing this with a therapist. Many people are afraid to take that step. I hope you find it helpful, and you find progress over time.

Thanks, that means a lot.
I hope I find it helpful too.

So sorry to hear it - I hope you know that his opinions aren't the last word, and you doubtless have much to offer for the right person.

I also won't give you stupid platitudes, but I can tell you a little story. After years of crazy relationships and hypo/manic indiscretions and all kinds of ugly in the significant other department, I gave up. I just stopped looking. I decided that there's more to life than that and I don't need someone else to validate me as a worthwhile person. My life and outlook improved a lot the moment I decided that I didn't need someone else, even if I wanted that companionship. It was like a proverbial weight was lifted.

Not long after that, I met my husband. Neither of us was trying too hard for a relationship - we just let it happen, but it was almost instantly obvious that it was a good thing. He was patient with my out-of-control life and I was patient with his reluctance to be vulnerable in a relationship. We both waited a long time and put up with a lot of painful relationships before we found each other. Neither of us is perfect, but we're better together, so it's easy to put in the work to keep a healthy relationship because it really pays off.

Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right person to keep you company for the long haul. It sounds like you know what you need in a relationship, and that's truly invaluable!

Thanks for that story! It definitely cheered me up some! And I'll keep that in mind.