[Charlie_J]

I have just been diagnosed, and am set to a new thought and issue. Who am I?

I have always been proud of how well I know myself, and now I find that I might not have been entirely correct. I know hypomanic me very well indeed. For years I've thought to aim for that, without knowing what was wrong, only that I'd go past it and go crazy, then get depressed.

The real me is somewhere in between, and the optimism of hypomania is a very colourful filter to put to a personality. It's extremely likely that I'm not as outgoing and sociable as I'd like to think.

When I was a very young child, I was markedly reserved, quiet and studious, and I think that's probably much nearer the mark.

Just out of interest, what were you like as a child?

If you were diagnosed later in life, did you face the same questions?

Is it impossible to prefer yourself, honestly, without hypomania?

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I'm really interested in your experiences if you're willing to share.

[dragonfly2]

First let me say a sort of congratulations on finally being diagnosed. As much as it's not something people tend to embrace, for me it was the beginning of finally getting a handle on things and moving forward.

But, like you, it did come with other, more existential concerns.

I was also quiet as a child, but I think part of that had to do with some depression and anxiety. As I grew further into my teen years, the hypomania and mania began to set in and I was on top of the world! Who wouldn't want to be hypomanic, in all honesty?? That's one of the things that makes this condition so challenging: sometimes it feels good to be "sick".

But now you're in the difficult process of trying to discern "normal you" from "illness you". There is so much grey area here. The depressions are clear, and if you become floridly, wildly manic, that may be clear as well. But the hypomania? For me, it's like there's a sort of power boost to my "normal" abilities. With mania, people think they can fly, but really can't. With hypomania, people think they can dance/cook/perform amazingly well at work/be very social/be creative/ etc...and they really CAN! We pull it off very well, which means that we have these talents naturally and have them available to us even in times of "normalcy" or "wellness". We just have to dig a little more deeply to find them and move past the self-imposed limitations we place upon ourselves. How many times have I said "I can't dance", only to be tearing up the dance floor when I'm hypomanic? It's in me, I just don't/won't acknowledge it.

So, don't discount your hypomanic accomplishments. They are very much a product of your capabilities. The trick is to encourage the "good accomplishments" (heightened productivity, creativity, healthy social energy) and minimize the "bad accomplishments" (frenzied spending, sexual indiscretions, driving outside the legal restrictions - even if you are good at it, lol).

On a more existential note....I am in the camp of people who say "I am bipolar" as opposed to "I have bipolar". It is a part of my human experience and changes how I perceive and respond to my world in a profoundly personal way. Yet I can "be bipolar", but not always be in a state of illness. It's semantics, but can be important semantics to some people. Some people choose to distance themselves from it, saying "I have bipolar (but it's not who I am)", and that's okay too. But for me, bipolar disorder is part of who I am, and I'm okay with that.

As for "preferring" myself without hypomania....no, I probably can't say that. But do I "like" my non-hypomanic self? Yes. Unequivocally, yes.

May you find peace in the process of healing.

[BNLsMOM]

I am definitely in the "who am I" camp. Ifeel like my identity changes every time I have an episode. It makes me feel flakey, and growing up I was known for my flakey behavior. I embraced it. Something has changed though. Maybe it is having the responsibility of being an adult with adult concerns, but I can find that person anymore.

I am feeling rther empty, in fact. There is some essence missing. Sometimes it feels like I am just a body walking around. *shakes off a chill*

As far as being or having bipolar, I haven't decided what works for me yet. It may well be who I am, or it might be a small piece of who I am. I don't really know what I want it to be.

[venusss]

As you may know I don't consider this illness... so yeah, it is me with extreme quirks. It is Venus who can get deeper than deep and is than fascinated by tall structures. It is not "illness talking to me", it is part of the human nature, aplified to absurd... but it is somehow ME let's admit it.
My manic experiences... or maybe spiritual ones? It is still me....


I just need to learn to control the extremes and sail through life safely.

[Charlie_J]

Thanks for the replies so far!

Originally Posted by dragonfly2

First let me say a sort of congratulations on finally being diagnosed. As much as it's not something people tend to embrace, for me it was the beginning of finally getting a handle on things and moving forward.

dragonfly: congratulations on your own forward momentum. Your post has a good lot of hope in it, and I'm happy for that, for you as well as the rest of us.

I don't think I'm even at the have/am bipolar point yet. Though one of the reasons I ask about childhood experiences is that being a quiet child, I was constantly being told to "cheer up" and "smile" along with a general attitude that if I'm quiet, then I'm shy and need "bringing out." This multiplies by about a thousand as soon as you enter the adult world of work.

Admittedly, I did have some depression issues even as a child, and I saw a psychiatrist as early as age eleven. But... there's a lot to be said for the brain and the power of the mind. My grandmother had bipolar and ECT back in the day, so I have a genetic disposition, but I can't help theorising if constantly telling your brain that your personality is not up to the job (regardless of how much you love yourself) makes it come up with a solution in the form of hypomania. I mean, it does seem to fit eerily well.

Originally Posted by dragonfly2

As for "preferring" myself without hypomania....no, I probably can't say that. But do I "like" my non-hypomanic self? Yes. Unequivocally, yes.

What a wonderful way of putting it! Thank you

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

Ifeel like my identity changes every time I have an episode.

Yes... I too get that. I tend to reinvent myself for each one, choosing an aspect of myself and doing it to death.

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I am feeling rther empty, in fact. There is some essence missing. Sometimes it feels like I am just a body walking around.

I felt like that for a good long while after a crash to depression following the suicide of my dad and brother, and I worried that "happiness" wouldn't be there if I reached for it. But it was. You'll feel happy again, I guarantee it.

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

It is Venus who can get deeper than deep and is than fascinated by tall structures.

People have mentioned my deep thinking too, and you're right because that is what makes us amazing individuals. In that sense, bipolar could be a blessing, because you can see far more than others. It makes us great writers, poets, artists. I sometimes get irritable with other people for being about as deep as a wet floor, lol.

Lots of things to think about!

[venusss]

People have mentioned my deep thinking too, and you're right because that is what makes us amazing individuals. In that sense, bipolar could be a blessing, because you can see far more than others. It makes us great writers, poets, artists. I sometimes get irritable with other people for being about as deep as a wet floor, lol.

maybe we are just more intelligent, or intelligent on a different level. Maybe we realize more others that our days here on planet are limited...

I definitelly see big part of mine quirk as result of my intelligence and an existential thing. And how ya wanna "cure" that?

[Moose72]

I have thought about how the way I've perceived the world my whole life might be related to being bipolar. Seeing the world as psychedelic as a young young child, seeing little worlds in the bigger world, being creative, being funny- putting layers of things together to make a joke that's very funny. It's kind of like I'm derealzing as a kid and yet I can still do it today. I always thought I was the only one- but now I feel part of an alien race of sorts. When we are not "normal", it's amazing the bonding and caring that goes on between us- and it's not easy from the "sane" side either- seeing a bp friend deal with his own private Hell.

[dragonfly2]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I always thought I was the only one- but now I feel part of an alien race of sorts. When we are not "normal", it's amazing the bonding and caring that goes on between us- and it's not easy from the "sane" side either- seeing a bp friend deal with his own private Hell.

I agree, Moose. I think that there is a certain, deeper sense of "knowing" among us on many levels, that people without our experiences can never share. At the same time, when we are well and see another going through their struggles, it can be a little scary to be reminded of the depths of despair we are capable of. And I have to admit, there's even a hint of jealousy or longing when I see someone who is happily hypomanic or soaring on the wings of a full blown euphoric mania.

Sometimes you can see it in people's eyes and know you're sort of a kindred.

And Venus and Charlie, I agree with you about our experience here in this life. It does result in our being somehow deeper on an existential level. Not that I'm particularly better than anyone else per se, just...different...more aware. I tried explaining it once to a therapist a long time ago. She told me to "come down from the mountain", lol. She didn't understand, and I think on some level she may have felt a little left out, actually, leading her to make that snarky comment.

Sometimes it feels like one of those optical illusions where you initially see a vase, but then something shifts and you see two profiles of people's heads. Not everyone sees the heads, but once you do see them, you can't not see them...now you know and there is no unknowing. We know.

Originally Posted by Charlie_J

...Just out of interest, what were you like as a child?
If you were diagnosed later in life, did you face the same questions?
Is it impossible to prefer yourself, honestly, without hypomania?

*Very shy (barely spoke in early years of school) and lived in my own world. This was by far the predominant, but l could also be rather obnoxious, loud and dominating (like with my cousins). At least by the end of elementary, though still very shy, it was very wise to not mess with me. Rarrr!
*Diagnosed earlier half of 40's (Though it was blaringly obvious since 20.) I actually didn't struggle with dx much, because it explained sooo much, and helped to replace my self-flagellation with understanding. Couldn't change the past of course, just understand it better.
*I vastly prefer myself with the good parts of hypomania and hate my horrid behavior with the bad parts of it. I self-loathe in depression, soooo, it's not impossible, but I don't. It's good and pretty rare for me to feel self-confident in much and I really only experience that in the good parts of hypomania. (Except in creativity, which is always with me. It's the only thing I never doubt.)

Originally Posted by dragonfly2

...On a more existential note....I am in the camp of people who say "I am bipolar" as opposed to "I have bipolar". ...Some people choose to distance themselves from it, saying "I have bipolar (but it's not who I am)", and that's okay too...

Me too. It's not that I think it defines me (explains: yes, defines: no), it just seems simpler, like someone saying they're diabetic. "Have" diabetes or be diabetic, makes no nevermind to me. (I do have a very big problem with BP being used inappropriately, like "bipolar weather" or as an ignorant casual slam. That's where semantics matter to me.)

Haha, Charlie... "deep as a wet floor"(!) So true!

[Detach]

Originally Posted by Charlie_J

Just out of interest, what were you like as a child?

If you were diagnosed later in life, did you face the same questions?

Is it impossible to prefer yourself, honestly, without hypomania?

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I'm really interested in your experiences if you're willing to share.

I was usually a happy child mostly, but did get deep depressions related to neglect and abuse. My mother is a binge alcoholic and an un-medicated Bipolar I. She never felt it necessary to stay on her medications, not for herself and certainly not for my sister and I.

Hmm hypomania.... the thing is this... the people around me would probably not prefer me to be hypomanic. I will talk so fast it's hard to keep up with me, cut people off when they are speaking, get a one track mind, spend money-whether I have it or not, easily irritated, etc.

That doesn't sound like someone who is fun to be around, even if I'm having fun at the time.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by Charlie_J

Just out of interest, what were you like as a child?

If you were diagnosed later in life, did you face the same questions?

Is it impossible to prefer yourself, honestly, without hypomania?

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I'm really interested in your experiences if you're willing to share.

Interesting questions, Charlie!

I was a precocious kid. Very imaginative, creative, high-spirited, good at just about everything I tried. Mostly happy, too, until my folks split up and I hit puberty and everything fell to pieces.

As to preferring myself without hypomania, well, I don't really know. I haven't got a good enough handle on what's "normal" and what's not, at least until it gets really obviously not normal. When I have days that I think might feel "normal" I generally like myself - I'm still smart, productive, and capable. I might like that version of me even better if I got to stay that way for more than a few days at a time and could get used to it!