[expressiveone]

yesterday I was extremely anxious and felt suicidal so I took lorazapam and that calmed me down. I am unsure if I should go into the hospital or not. It's like one minute I am okay and the next moment I feel really bad. I was going to go in last nite after the morning I had yesterday but I backed out. My moods are unpredictable right now and that is what I am worried about. I am with my sisters and my mom and away from my usual environment, so I wonder if that has anything to do with how I am feeling at the moment. I'm nervous to go into the hospital. I worry about not getting on the right meds and I am nervous that when I am in there I will feel okay and then when I come out I will feel bad again. I am just so unsure. I just dont want to get impulsive in a down moment. Right now I dont want to kill myself so I am thinking I should just wait until my pdoc appt on wed. What to do, what to do? My mom is worried that when I go home I am going to feel bad again. Am I just cycling like crazy or what?!

[alwaysrejoice]

I understand why you are hesitant to go to the hospital. Do you truly feel safe though? Do you live by yourself? Is there anyone that can stay with you in case you start having thoughts? do you have more lorazapam? If you are you allowed to take it everyday to prevent anxiety like that? Can you call your pdoc today? Mine will call on weekends are you are in a crisis, so he should call. The hard truth though is you are best off in the hospital if you are thinking like that at all.

[expressiveone]

Right now I feel safe. Which is why I am so hesitant to go to the hospital. Most days I wake up feeling incredibly anxious and depressed and I can't focus to do anything. Maybe I just felt better today because I am around my family? I don't have insurance, so my doctor is not available for me to that extent. The earliest she could get me in is on this upcoming wednesday morning. Another reason I don't want to go into the hospital is because of the fact that I don't have insurance. I assume it is really expensive to be hospitalized. I've never been hospitalized before. Yesterday I thought about how nice it would be if I dissapeared and liked the idea harming myself. I didn't put any plans together or anything like that. I have fleeting suicidal ideation and it comes and goes in waves.

[alwaysrejoice]

Well I would suggest staying around your family? Is that an option for you?

[expressiveone]

I'm not sure at this point but I am going to discuss it with my family, I may just stay here for the weekend. I wish there were a quick fix for this. Unfortunately I have a load of school work to do before monday too. This all couldn't be happening at a worse time for me. I only have 4 weeks until finals. I have come this far and now this. I guess the stress has just gotten the best of me up until this point. I just can't handle all the stresses in my life right now. I'm at a standstill. I feel that all I really need to take care of myself is to rest and relax, even though there are a million things that I need to be doing to fulfill my obligations.

[kaliope]

typically if you are questioning if you should go to the hospital because you are worried what you will do, you should go. not having ins makes that hard. does your area have a state hospital. they typically take noninsured low income patients for free. thats where i go.

on the other hand, if you feel safe with your family, can you stay with them till your pdoc appointment as alwaysrejoice suggested? by your report, you are only at the stage of suicidal ideation which everybody experiences and normal. as long as you stay at that stage you should be safe. it can be scary to have those thoughts, but as long as you are not harming yourself even a pdoc wouldnt commit you at this point. if you start making plans thats when it becomes dangerous.

the important thing is to keep talking. ask for support. stay around people. keep posting. visit the chat rooms. you can PM me. if you shut down and withdraw you will get caught up in those feelings and intensify them and can spiral out of control. you dont want that. practice distraction methods to get away from your thoughts. read books. buy a few seasons of a tv show that you like (or suscribe to netflix for a month) and sit down for a marathon session of tv watching. arts and crafts. go to the movies. invite a friend for dinner. teach yoursel to crochet and crochet a scraf for winter. anything to get out of your head. wednesday will be here before you know it.

Hang in there. And again. Dont hesitate to PM me if you need to talk.