[OneDown]

I am so tired of this. Just exited another major depressive episode. This one was bad - suicide plan all laid out, suicide notes written... a friend of mine convinced me to wait a few days and that was just long enough for the meds to kick in, but I still think that committing suicide would be a good idea to end all this misery. Told my therapist about all of this last night and I got the distinct impression that she was right on the brink of having me involuntarily taken to the hospital.

Every episode like this one seems to dig deeper and deeper into me. Each one seems to take me one step closer to my own demise. Last time, it was all about identifying the right method. This time it was about securing the materials to execute that method. I'm getting the feeling that the next depressive episode will result in actual execution.

To top it all off, my wife has pretty much withdrawn her support. We talked a bit earlier this week and I told her part of me really wanted to give up on the marriage and on life because her comments to me when I'm depressed are so sarcastic and mean (those are her coping mechanisms). She said she'd go to marriage counseling if I wanted her to go, but back-pedaled when I asked her about it again tonight.

To top it all off, I've started to fall in love with another friend of mine who has been supporting me all the way through this and has been there for me every step of the way when my wife was not. I know my friend does not feel the same way towards me, but part of me really longs to just give up everything in my life now to be with her. Looking back, I think I got married because I was afraid of being alone rather than because I felt any real deep connection with her. Part of me still loves my wife, but part of me honestly doesn't and wants to end the marriage.

A different friend of mine, whom I've told all of this to, thinks this may all be part of a "self-destruct" mechanism - some subconscious attempt to sabotage and destroy my relationships to "pave the way" for a suicide and make sure there is no going back.

I really don't care what happens anymore, I just want it all to stop.

[kaliope]

your depressive episodes sound very much like the ones i used to have. my cycles were very predictable so i would pick a date and give myself permission to kill myself if i were still that depressed on that date. as long as all my commitments to others were fulfilled of course so i didnt leave anybody disappointed. i of course would choose a date outside of my depressive cycles. and then i would make more committments as well. it was my way of tricking myself into staying alive just in case i was still depressed. the last episode i had was very bad and i knew i would end up dead and that is when i finally broke down and got on medication and miraculously, this time, it worked. i started praying to god to let me die when i was six and became suicidal at sixteen and had my first attempt at 21. I have been suicidal all my life. My last attempt was about two years ago. For some reason I have worked very hard to stay alive when my mind has told me all I want to do is die. I really dont understand it. But I no longer have those active suicidal thoughts plaguing me.

I really understand your desire to want it all to stop. After being stable this last couple years I no longer have to feel that way. As much as I hated having to resort to medication, it has made a world of difference in my life. I always viewed life trapped from the bottom of the deepest darkest well and never felt I would find a way out of it. The more I tried to climb out of it, the deeper I felt I would sink. But I am out of it now. There is light all around me. I dont feel like I am in any danger of falling back in it. I havent a clue what I am going to do with myself yet, but I know I dont want to go back there. I have been off antidepressants for a year now. Still on a mood stabilizer. (bipolar)

As for your relationships, it would be remiss to make any kind of decision when you are in your current condition. The feelings toward your friend are enhanced by the fact that she is being so supportive during this dark time and the negative feelings toward your wife based on the fact that she is withdrawing from you. But it would be hard to get an accurate accounting of either of their feelings because your judgement right now is not at its best.

If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me. Hang in there.

[expressiveone]

((onedown))
It is very hard to go through what you are going through right now and your illness is directing your thoughts as well. It is difficult to comprehend that in the moment because you simpling living your life right? I have gone down that road within my marriage too, only i contemplated leaving my marriage for different reasons. Regardless of the reasons, the only time I really thought about escaping and leaving it all is when I have been in a state of mind such as yours. When you are in such state of despair and so tired and sick of it, all of the "easy" escapes come to mind. I would have to say that in the state that you are in you very well may be in "self destruct" mode and I am so sorry to hear about your struggles right now. You are seeking help and fighting for your life and that is something to hold on to and it helps to try to focus on your fight rather than your struggles(i know that is easier said than done). Perhaps at some point when you are feeling better you will be able to potentially go to marriage counseling if at that point you are able to think rationally to make decisions. As daunting as the task may be, I hope you can find the strength to allow yourself to relax and keep your focus on one thing at a time. Time and following your pdoc and t is your best bet my friend. if you can keep focused on one thing, just remember, there is a road to the way back, you just have to stay on the road. Hang in there and take care

[OneDown]

It just feels like the will to keep "fighting the fight" is gone. Even today, I got an excellent Quarterly Review for my work and my only thought through it all was "I wonder how the people at work would take it if I just vanished?" For the longest time, I was afraid that my demise would hurt the people around me so much that they'd hate me forever, but now part of me thinks that would be a good thing - would allow me to just fade away.

I believe in an afterlife, but even the thought of nothing afterwards is comforting. My biggest fear now is fear that I would screw up the attempt and would then be stuck dealing with everyone's anger at me if I survived. I just don't know if i can be helped any further