Uncontrollable Anxiety

I have read a few of the posts on this forum so I have an idea that anxiety is not too uncommon amongst BP sufferers. Mine is currently off the chart right now and I could do with some support and advice. I think that just writing on here is helping to focus my mind right now, so that's good.

I have to go to a dinner tonight with my husband and his colleagues for their annual Christmas meal/get together (can barely type it ). I didn't attend last year because I was in the throes of a manic/psychotic episode, but I'm a lot more stable this year and have received some great psychiatric care, which is ongoing. I wouldn't ever attend these sorts of things if I could help it, but as my H pointed out everyone else makes the effort and I'm sure many of the other spouses would also rather not be there. My husband is a medical doctor, and these do's tend to be quite stuffy and formal, and I find some of his colleagues quite intimidating, even rude. I can just about cope at the best of times but I've had the year from hell, plus most of them will know that I've been seeing a pdoc/ had mental health issues; they all work at the same hospital and I have been seen going to appointments with my doc. Not that this would unduly bother me usually, I am quite open with my friends about what I've been going through (a lot of which would be pretty hard to hide) and anyway, I wouldn't expect stigmatisation or prejudice from a group of doctors. But, these people are not my friends and I just hate the idea of everyone knowing. I'm not very good in groups at best, plus I'm dreading any questions of the "How have you been keeping? What have you been doing with your life since we last saw you?" ilk.

I have taken extra seroquel today in preparation for this evening (which I can do when the anxiety increases), but I'm also not sure whether this was the correct thing to do. My pdoc said I could if I felt super anxious or felt a panic attack coming on, but at the same time, he has also said that seroquel is good for anxiety in low doses. IDK. I'm just so fed up of this anxiety. The last social outing I went to when I felt like this, I actually developed severe facial ticks and had to keep holding my hands to various different parts of my face to try and control it!! I'm sorely tempted to have a drink or two before I go there to calm my nerves a bit, but also nor do I want to turn up reeking of alcohol or end up showing myself or my H up.

Christmas is a nightmare for me socially when I'm feeling this way, too many social expectations and pressures

First, let me say kudos to you for even planning to go - that's a big step, and I think I would be feeling the same in that situation. Using your Seroquel as you have been directed can also help. How much extra have you taken? I can take anywhere from 25 to 50 mg for anxiety, but 100mg will knock me out. Everyone's tolerance is different though, and you may do just fine on a higher dose. I would not, under any circumstances, add alcohol to the mix. I would focus instead on practicing deep breathing exercises and relaxation techniques. Prepare your answers ahead of time for questions regarding what you have been doing, even if you have to dig a little. Did you do any gardening this past summer? Do you have any children you can talk about? Do you have any future trips planned? You probably haven't seen many of these people since last Christmas and they'll have no idea if you read a particular book last week or last April.

Also, have an exit strategy planned. Scope out somewhere isolated and quiet that you can retreat to, should things feel out of control. Plan for self-soothing strategies while you're there. Do you drink herbal tea? Bring a few bags and ask for some hot water and have that instead of whatever tea they're serving.

You can do this. And once you're through it, you can rest and know that you made it. And even if things don't go well, you can know that you did your best and tried.

Hugs to you....

You are soooo not alone. I have to go to a work party today and was up most of the night. I did not make it to the party last year, I was too sick also.
Don't worry about others knowing that you are seeking help for your issues. The strong people are the ones that seek help to get better, and work hard at it, like you are.
Can you do some yoga, or deep breathe today? Do what relaxes you?
Just remember it will all be over by tomorrow. We've only got a month left and the holiday stuff will be over. We can do this!

panic...shaking and scared by it all..

sometimes I look at my hands and wonder why they are shaking....trying to hold onto something..

only when I cry does it make sense and my fingers relax

These are great suggestions, dragonfly! I like the one about what books you're reading - though I wish I had been prepared for that recently when we were having this discussion with some literati friends over Thanksgiving. I had to say, "I just read this really fascinating book, but I'm not sure if I'd recommend it." The book was "Madness: A Bipolar Life" by Marya Hornbacher (major trigger warning, it had my adrenaline all jacked up after the first couple sentences) so it wasn't like I could really explain why I was reading it, other than it being a dramatic account. Fortunately I remembered another book I'd recently read, and could talk more about that one (it's a very poetic collection of short stories about birds and birding).

I would add to the "exit strategy" suggestion to make sure your spouse is on board with that plan. My husband has a much, much lower tolerance for social intercourse than I do. When he says it's time to go, I have about 10 minutes to make my farewells, and if I push it and we stay much longer than that, there's hell to pay. He gets really crabby and even more reluctant to come to any such event in the future. After 12 years together, I know not to question it, and that when he says that time's up, he means it. In some circumstances, we've arranged for him to be able to leave earlier than me, or arrive later (due to work schedules or whatever excuse) which also helps reduce his exposure to the social scene and therefore keeps him much happier about making these token appearances.

Not long to go now, it's 4 p.m. over here. I have started dry retching already. Just about to take a soak in the bath. Can I say thank you so so much for your responses. Thank you for that dragonfly, I'm doing it mostly for my H, but also a tiny bit for myself. I know I would feel even worse in the long run if I didn't go, and beat myself up about it for ages. I would be like: 'Iwould be home by now' at such and such O'clock, 'I would have felt better by now and pleased I went' at sometime in the morning O'clock.... and then the shame and despair would kick in.

I have only taken an extra 25 mg so far on top of my usual dose (anything from 50 mg BID to 350 mg (QD), but I might take another one. They seem to have a lower anxiolytic effect at higher doses for me, although at higher doses they work better on mania/psychosis, which I'm not currently experiencing. I will try my best and thanks for all the tips and advice

Thanks lad007 I hope pray and wish that your party also goes well. If only I were a good actor, because that's what it feels like sometimes - I have to act the part, pretend to be normal (whatever that is). For some people I guess it just comes naturally, not for us I have been trying to implement some mindfulness techniques. I hope no one pays me too much attention.

I will let you know how it goes. Can't believe I'm even doing this

I'm not sure if I can do this. My husband has just got home from work. Crikey, I feel shaky and nauseous now.

Hang in there! Take breaks from the crowd if you need to - go to another room, the bathroom, whatever. There's nothing wrong with being the quiet person on the edge of things.

Thank you Ani! And dragonfly, lad007 and dubblemonkey. Phew, I did it!

I did have to have a couple of drinks before hand (not condoning it) but I countered that by not drinking when I got there. No one seemed to notice. I didn't think I would be able to walk through the door at one point, but I looked on here on my phone and saw your message Animaniac, you would not believe how much that helped. I wouldn't have been able to go if I hadn't been able to write on here and get your support ((all)). I just wanted to say a massive Thank You!!! I am soooo relieved. Think I'm going to go to sleep now, I feel exhausted!

p.s. dubblemonkey, I hope you're alright. I know the feeling, I am here if you need to chat.x

Glad you made it without any disasters! Have some hot cocoa and a good sleep.