[cdpaiva]

I'm 19. My father is a raging alcoholic with major depressive disorder, my mother has generalized anxiety disorder, and my sister was just diagnosed with clinical depression. I have the least amount of problems in my family but I know something isn't right with my mentality as well. Throughout high school I was flat out miserable to say the least. I never smiled, I absolutely hated my friends, I would eat lunch outside alone by choice, and I would brood constantly. It wasn't something I could control. I just hated everything, as if I was in a perpetual bad mood. When I began college last year, it got remarkably worse. During March I became completely overwhelmed with regret for the choices I made in high school. I was sick of being me and felt like I was living a life that I didn't want to live. I barely ate and all I could do was lie in bed and think about how far away I was from the life I actually wanted. I cried and pitied myself. I absolutely hated myself and the life I was living. And then I came up with this marvelous (at the time, anyways) idea to drop out of school and pursue film. First of all, I go to college on nearly a full scholarship. Secondly, I know NOTHING about film. But during that time I felt like I was on top of the world and I could do anything I set my mind to. After years of no emotion or feeling down, I finally felt like the world was mine for the taking. I seriously thought I could get into USC film school with 7 months of experience, completely starting from scratch. During that time my mind was racing with thoughts and I'd even call up old friends in the middle of the night just to tell them what I was thinking. I'm super introverted and I hate phone calls, so that's really strange in hind sight. I would shoot down anyone who tried to talk some sense into me. I started making these unpractical plans to make movies because I seriously thought I could do it. I did drop out of college and when I came to my senses around 3 months later when that "high" ended, I really realized how badly I screwed up.

That's the one instance in my life that really leads me to believe that I'm bipolar. I think I definitely had a manic episode during those 3 months and the depression is sort of just there on default. I don't think it's a big enough deal to see a doctor about it. It felt so normal at the time, but when my sister suggested I had some sort of mood disorder, my eyes opened WIDE when the symptoms matched so clearly what I was feeling at the time. I want to wait and see if I ever get these cycles again. That way I'll know for sure, but any opinion would help. Thanks.

[manicminer]

Well my friend, you definately made a good choice asking for advice and you seem to have a lot of insight into the way you are feeling.
Although most of us here in this community are suffering from the disorder ourselves, we aren't qualified to make any kind of diagnosis for you. However, some of the behaviors you are talking about do match symptoms of bi-polar.

You say you dont think its a big enough deal to see a doctor about it. My advice is to tread with caution. If it was a big enough deal to you to share your story with this community, then maybe it is a big enough deal to see a doctor about.

You also say you want to wait and see if you ever get these cycles again. My concern for you is what if it does happen again and the choices you make during that time are even more distructive or harmful in some way. I just dont want anyone to go through the legal and physically distructive troubles that I did when I was undiagnosed and spiralling out of control.

I really hope this helps and you make proactive decisions with your mental health. Wishing you and your family the best of luck in your struggles.

[lad007]

When you said you were far away from the life you actually wanted I used to feel like that all the time, thought about it constantly, cried all the time. So you are not alone in feeling like that.
Since I have gotten treatment for the bipolar I don't feel that way anymore, so I would encourage you to seek help to see if it will make you feel better.

[Beebizzy]

Hi cdpaiva,

Nice to meet'cha.

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through for a large part of your life. It must be hard to deal with the fall-out of such things.

Secondly, it only takes one manic episode for a diagnosis of bipolar I.

Thirdly, I would urge you to go to a doctor and let them decide if you were manic and if you have bipolar or not. I mean, what do you have to lose? Even if you 'wait' for, and experience, another episode you still can't diagnose yourself and will need to go a doctor anyway, you know? And if you go now, and the doctor says it's not bipolar or whatever - so what? I'd go honestly - it's enough that you've had this low-ness for a long time. And ManicMiner is right - another 'high' could have worse consequences.

Best of luck to you,
BB

[Tosspot]

Sounds a little bipolar to me, chances are making it to psych central means at least somethings up. But manicminer is right, get a professional dx.

From personal experience, my high school experience was similar, although i went a little manic in my senior year. College just got worse and I got into drugs and alcohol, making poor, poor choices and essentially destroying my life. I don't have any friends from either high school or college that speak to me. it's kind of sad. I got dx'd bp two weeks before college graduation and the school asked me to "withdraw" and try again next year even though my grades were fine. Every time friends would push me for a psych eval the pdocs always suspected bp and i didn't listen. but looking back i should have gotten the help i needed. oh well!
Best of luck!

[cdpaiva]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I think I'll go ahead and make an appointment with a doctor. I think I was hesitating to get help because for the longest time, it seemed like I was the only one in my family with a clear mind. My whole life I've felt responsible for them because they were suffering and I wasn't. Also, I just thought that the mania and depression would feel more drastic than they felt, but things probably don't feel drastic when you're the one experiencing them all the time. I'm gonna go ahead and get the professional second opinion. Thanks everyone. I wish the best for you all too.

[Anneinside]

Since you were not hospitalized or psychotic with your high, it sounds more like bipolar II. But, you can't know without seeing a psychiatrist. Please do so as soon as you can. If you are untreated and have bipolar it can only get worse.

[Secretum]

As everyone else has said, we cannot diagnose you. That being said, something is definitely wrong. You sound very bipolar to me, and as others have said, you only need one manic episode to get a dx. I have been diagnosed with bipolar II, and I have never been as high as you have. When I'm hypo, I feel really, really good, like I'm on heroin or cocaine. My thoughts race, one after another, connected in ways that only I can understand. Sometimes I need less sleep. I talk more to people, and if I don't work hard to control myself can seem "hyper". I sometimes have grandiose thoughts, sometimes becoming convinced that I'm a "genius" (trust me, I'm not. ). I make a lot of plans-to drop out of school and write novels, to move to Scotland, to start a newspaper,to triple major- but I don't generally start to pursue them. I don't usually tell people about them, unless they would be directly involved in my plans. I've never completely lost my judgment-I never came close to dropping out of school or calling people in the middle of the night. Thought about both, but never did either.

So, that is what mild hypomania looks like. What I've described was enough to convince three psychiatrists that I am bipolar. The fact that your mania was 1,000 times more intense suggests that you should be making some calls to psychiatrists' offices. Mood disorders are not to be played with. Next time you become really manic or really depressed, it could cost you your life. Sorry to be so blunt... Good luck to you, and welcome to this board.

[cdpaiva]

Hi everyone,
Thank you all so much for your responses. I think I'll go ahead and see a doctor. What's holding me back is that it just seemed so normal and logical when I was making all those decisions. I wasn't sure if it was just life or if it was really something wrong with me.

So thanks again. I want to ask a billion questions but I'll save them for a professional. I wish the best for you all too. Thanks again.