lost my voice.

i posted yesterday, flailing and reaching out. then i couldn't figure out how to log back into the site. just like that almost a week of mania, snap, a lid of depression is covering me quickly, SO quickly, shutting me out from speaking, breathing, a steady descending into a catatonic state. i moved from the bed to the couch an hour ago. i don't want to be covered. i don't know what to do. i am supposed to work with my boyfriend today all day, he still expects it.

Does your boyfriend know about your bipolar? Is he understanding? I hope you can feel better. It may help to actually get out of the house but I know how hard it is to work when You're depressed. >.<

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i don't know if i'm replying in the right space, i hope so.
thank you very much for responding to my words and the encouragement. he knows, my boyfriend, yes. understands, no. he gets angry at me. but he tries, too. you are right about getting out, moving. it is helpful. thing is i've been on the go every second and only slept maybe a handful of times in the past week and half and it is like something fell out of the sky and crushed me. this is the first time i've stopped to lie down. and i didn't even mean to. i feel pinned to the floor. i feel frantic and shaded black. depression is a beast. making it a goal to sometime today bundle up and do the horses and barn and chores and then we'll see.

Don't worry about trying to deal with your BF any more than you have to right now. Communication from the midst of depression is too much to ask & usually isn't what we really want to say. Try if you can to stay in the present. Sleep when you can, tend to the horses when you must--some things like animal care must be done.

Focus on what's right in front of you. Please try to stay in touch here.

Do you have a medical doctor? Psychiatrist? Therapist? You need professional help now.

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oh you hit that square - communication while in the midst of severe depression is nearly impossible. my speaking voice has been slit and muted since yesterday, and he demands i tell him what is going on, what is my problem, and he sighs red. i try to speak, i try, and all that comes out is a mournful sound. anyway, while in that type of state i have found it is unnervingly frustrating to communicate. fuzz in the brain. mixed words. i try to say flower and end up saying ash can.
i am spiraling. and determined. the horses, i will go out and clean the barn, water them, feed them, stack the hay, give the medicine to my dog. the horses aren't even mine, but no one is going to do it for me. i have been doing it for his mother, who has been very ill for months.
i am going out now, i must. maybe it will help. maybe it will send me over the edge.
i have a therapist. couldn't see her yesterday because of car trouble. no psychiatrist. have a MD, but he doesn't want to touch my "problems." and i impulsively threw all my medications in a trash bin at a gas station during some moment this past spring, deciding i didn't need them.
a positive grounding tool i used was finding an online support, joining, and actually writing. i will continue. suicide attempts used to be a tri-yearly event for me. not anymore. one foot in front of the other. even if i can't feel it right now. but i am worried...which is why i looked for help here.
thank you for responding, and understanding, take care.

How are you feeling now still.in.here?

Welcome to the forum - looking forward to reading you more.

I agree with the above - I think you should keep things really simple at the moment and just do the necessary and take care of yourself. Don't force yourself to do anything (except take care of your horses ) and don't hold high expectations over your head.

I know it's hard - I really hope you feel better soon.

Yes, I fully understand that. People know but they don't get it then get angry about it. I was hoping maybe it was not that way. Well, then don't worry about him right now.

I think it is good you have horses. That is a very positive thing. I find that having my kids who depend on me forces me to keep moving even when I think I can't. Plus horses are nice because they are animals and not as argumentative as kids. Maybe if you can go outside to tend to them you can find some peace from them, too.

Also if you don't think your'e getting better maybe call your doctor if you have one.