Cold treatment

My fiance’ is bipolar, possibly BPD, self-medicates with alcohol, will only take his real meds if he's having a really manic-depressive episode - they knock him out for at least a full day after. We had a little snit last week, once again he was paranoid that I was secretly messaging someone on my computer (even though he was sitting right there next to me). He threw a fit the rest of the night, wouldn’t go to sleep, kept getting in and out of bed, turning lights on, making noise and keeping me awake until 3am.

The next day, I was totally exhausted. I told him I’m cutting off a certain activity he likes to do with me because it tends to trigger his anxiety and paranoia. We have discussed it before and I warned him that if his paranoia continued I would cut it off. So anyway, he says to me basically, “that’s a bummer, but ok we’ll stop”. Then the rest of the day he gives me the cold/silent treatment. We made love that night but afterwards he gets up and broods around the house all night again, blaring music, slamming dishes around the kitchen, keeping me awake all night again.

The next morning, even though he insists there’s nothing wrong, the cold/silent treatment continues. He asks me how I’m doing and I tell him the truth, “honestly, I’m wrecked again today because you kept me awake all night.” He came to my work to have lunch with me as usual but just sat there silent the whole time. I tried maintaining a conversation but finally gave up. He normally IM’s me throughout the day, but that day he didn’t log on at all. It’s his way of “ignoring” me. But if I ever don't log on, he freaks out that I'm ignoring him.

It hurts me when he’s distant, but obviously I’m not gonna be able to drag any truth out of him. I have to wait until his time-bomb goes off again…never knowing when it will be or what will set it off. But if I pretend to go on with my life as usual, he’ll get pissy and claim that I’m the one being distant. What the heck am I supposed to do with this?

Lots to take in here ... You must be exhausted!

So does he take his meds during the manic or the depressive episode? Or does he have mixed episodes? And the rest of the time he self-medicated with alcohol. What you're describing essentially is an untreated bipolar, possibly with a drinking problem. If he's not taking meds as prescribed, then they're not in his system at a level to be of any help. If he were using the meds properly, there ought to be no need for the self-medicating with alcohol.

Depending on his history with alcohol, past & current, the paranoia you describe could be related to that.

And what's it with you & coffee? Your interest AWA your screen name?

The thing with meds is it usually takes about 2 weeks for a lot of them to kick in. So if he's only taking them on days that he's depressed or manic he's not getting the effect he needs.

And things like alcohol I think usually makes symptoms worse rather than better, although he may think it's helping by drowing out everything around him. I mean, alcohol can be a depressant, and alcohol also impares judgement - two major symptoms of bipolar.

Is he seeing anyone at all for his therapy? You can't be a caretaker of someone who refuses to take care of themself. I'm not in treatment although I want to be. And because of that, I try to be more aware of myself on purpose because I don't want to be a burden to my family. I am aware that I have this illness and that if I'm not well, then I have a huge effect on the people I care about. It doesn't remove my responsability from at least trying to fight it as best I can.

If he is unexcepting of his diagnosis and treatment and unwilling to try an actively healthy lifestyle (as if avoiding the alcohol,) then what can you do? You can't save anyone who isn't willing to at least try to save themselves.

Thank you so much for your replies.

Yes, I am exhausted. This post was actually from last week; I originally posted it elsewhere but didn't get a response. On another member's suggestion, I reposted here to see if I could get replies. We had another super late night because he threw another fit over something else. I couldn't get to sleep until again around 3am.

Yes, I understand he’s untreated. He thinks he can maintain it on his own without meds or therapy. He thinks the alcohol keeps it under control, but he has episodes even when he’s drinking. I’m not sure if he has mixed, but I know he definitely has both manic episodes and depressive episodes and he cycles FAST. We have some kind of drama at least once a week, if not more. I can’t keep up with it.

The thing that is toughest for me to deal with is his paranoia. Since the beginning in his mind he is absolutely convinced that he sees “red flags” with me all the time, mostly things that indicate I must be talking to other guys. We had another long discussion about it last night and I saw more of the history he has had with previous girlfriends, especially one in particular. He went to therapy with her and had the therapist and the girlfriend’s family all telling him he was delusional but his fears ended up being realized because she really was screwing around on him. So now, his paranoia still runs rampant, daily he says, and he believes it mainly because it ended up being true with his previous girlfriend. At the same time, he admits that he’s never found actual proof of me doing anything dishonest and I’ve given him no reason to not trust me.