Want to rip my face off (highly triggering)

I am sitting here wondering how on earth I got here.

10 minutes ago I held a razor to me face with full intentions of shaving the skin off my face...I felt evil and had to be punished...still feel as though I should be punished. I believe I was born bad and I am hurting the only person who truly loves me in so many ways. I am abusive and manipulative beyong belief and am very good at it. I am sitting here very calm at the moment but 10 minutes ago the razor was within an inch from my face when I bit down hard on my wrist and dropped the razor....I looked into the mirror and head butted my reflection...feeling and liking the pain. I proceeded to rip out some of my hair.......my golden fleece as I would otherwise refer to it. For the past while I feel as though I have been over taken by some alien...a little being inside of me that really literally feels alien. The person I knew before has gone, vanished and tonight I grieved the loss of a woman I believed to be loving, caring and deep down, worthwhile. For the past while, while this alien has taken over me, I felt nothing...until tonight. I felt the loss and I saw with clarity the monster of a person I have become....a monster of a person that that cannot relate to anyone and looks at the world as if through a glass window with my nose pressed hard against the window pain begging to be let in. People all around look weak and feeble, they, as I did tonight, let emotions run their lives and it made me want to vomit in the bathroom sink as I thought of the cancer we call the human race.

I have taken a hand full of seroquel (no, not an overdose) and I look forward to its dazing effects....tomorrow, I will just have to deal with it when it comes.

allme - deep depression and ruminating about past mistakes can make a person despise themselves. All this is your illness talking. Its sounds like you need to get some in-patient treatment. You're in my prayers.

Glad you didn't do anything that extreme.

Sending you lots of hugs,
RB ♥

My thoughts go out to you Allme-- I hope you better days and to be well and good to yourself.

Be safe. Call psych er and be kind to yourselfz.

allme! Yikes, that is so scary!!! I'm so glad you were able to temper your inclinations somewhat. I hope the Seroquel helps, but it definitely sounds like time to get some help - your ruminations are having waaay too much control and twisting your perceptions. You are not a terrible person! Never forget...You are well-loved here!
Please PLEASE, above all, stay safe!

Please hang in there. Call doc. It is the illness talking not you. Please take care of you.

(((( hugs )))
Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee get ahold of your doctor asap.

Just stay safe and know you are loved

Go to the emergency room and you will be admitted as an inpatient.

Please PLEASE look after yourself. I agree that seeing your Dr is a good idea. And btw, you're N0T a monster, you're just someone who's fighting a difficult battle. And we'll be here for you, cheering you on. Take care hun.XOXO

How are you doing today, allme?

thanks to you all. I went to see pysch this morning (crisis team arranged an urgent app) and he has given me diazepam to help keep me calm. He said that my anger and rage come from a negative perception of self.....and that I should take diazepam for 2 weeks and then go back and see him. Problem is, an arguement broke out with my husband (before I took any diazepam) and I went into another melt down. ran upstairs and again just wanted to cut and wound myself. I am either feeling nothing, or feeling too much. Hopefully it will pass and by the time my course of diazepam runs out, I am in a better place. Anyway, I'm not currently in therapy and psych thinks its a good idea I go back into therapy so have put me on the waiting list. So right now, I am doped up to the eye balls with usual meds (which I have spread over the day) and diazepam.

Thanks again xx

be well allme i hope you get better soon. i'm glad you went to the doc and got some help hugs <sorry on my phone >

Allme so glad you got in with your pdoc and they got you some meds to help.

Be kind to yourself and know your loved

So glad you are still alive with a face. Hang in, I can honestly say therapy has worked wonders for me, I hope you can get a little extra help soon. ((((allme))))