Realisation... What keeps me here.

1 word: Guilt
not the love of a mother, or hope of happy times to come. Not God or any kinda faith, plain old simple guilt of the damage i'll leave behind. My brother was murdered,my father wished himself dead for 3months after that until he finally got what he wanted. Imagine me adding suicide to that list... Guilt, that's it. Didn't mean to trigger anybody,sorry if I have... Just wanted to share what's on my mind. Please don't chase me to the Dr's i don't want proffessional help. And after the fiasco about pdocs and their pseudo science and guessing games which aired lastnight, i will have NO help, NO sympathy from my family as they all watched it and had a good ole discussion about it.

My apologies. I was just informed by my older sister, that sharing such feelings is infringing upon another, oppressing the other person as they are being held hostage by my dark thoughts and deep-seated pain. I'm sorry if anybody who read this felt like a hostage, I will refrain from sharing anything that isn't deemed positive.

It is okay to feel and speak about it.... but one should not dwell on it. I beleive we create a meaning to a great degree. So maybe it is time to dig out some of the childhood dreams and maybe go for them.

You been through a lot and it is impossible to come out of such things unscarred. But we can live with scars.

what would make you happy right now? What reasonable pursuit can you take in the next year to make yourself feel alive?

(and bit OT: what was the name of the documentary? )

Hey VH, you made me smile there. I've asked them about the name but they started watching after the intro. Also I couldn't track it down online for you b.c it aired on a relatively new FREE channel that's sponsored by Al jazeerah... I've searched through everything related to CTV (CapeTownTV) but came up emptyhanded. If i catch the repeat, i'll try and get the name for you...
I hear what you're saying about dwelling, and i don't think I am, it just happens once a week... Childhood dreams? Mmm think I've locked mine away somewhere, can't seem to think of any right now... Thanks tho, it's appreciated.

You are not alone.

My mother attempted suicide when I was 11 and I remember all too well the hell we went through for about 3 months. Not to mention my own anger at her.

She is the reason I will never make that choice. This does not mean that I do not have suicidal thoughts. Or that I wish death would take me from my hell. It just means that I will stop and think about how I felt back then. And that is what stops me from following in her footsteps. I won't do that to my family.

It isn't guilt. We have just learned from another persons mistake.

I'm still here for the same reason. Guilt.
What would happen to my boys? Their daddy is awesome but I grew up without a mum and still now at 20 or so years down the track, it is an indescribable hole that i live with. It wasn't suicide, but cancer that took her from me.

I also have a dimwit for an older sister who frequently puts her foot in her mouth purposely. Wish I could give yours a slap for you.

Trippin, all of us have scars.

I had on my FB status a little while ago that no one should be ashamed of scars. Scars mean the hurt is over, the pain is done and the wounds have healed.

Try to stay in the present, even though it is very difficult to do, try to move on from your past and go forward.

I really should learn to take my own advice, but I do really try to forget my past even though it is so hard to. I remind myself every hour to stay in the present.

Hey SunAngel, it's not my past that bugs me ya know. I brought up those tragedies coz that's the main reason I don't 'check out', causing my family more grief and such. My present just seems really fudged up, nothing is going right... Any illusion I had about my reality being ok seems to crumble bit by frickn bit and I see no future relief...

Well then I should have said it's a good thing you think of those tragedies because it keeps you with us and we wouldn't want it any other way.