[dragonfly2]

I feel like I'm being haunted. Haunted by Christmases I almost didn't survive. Some unusual triggers coming up for me this year and I'm not sure why. Realizations of just how close I came to suicide and thinking about what keeps me here today. I am safe, just dark right now.

I actually called a suicide hotline yesterday, just to ask them what would happen if I called in crisis. I've always been afraid to call in the past. I found out that they will try to talk with you and help you work through what brought you to this point, but then they are required to call for an ambulance if they feel I am truly unsafe. I find this a comfort for some reason. But now I know and hopefully I won't be afraid to call the next time I am at that point.

I feel like I may be headed for a hospitalization this winter. It's been a while since I was last inpatient. I had one fleeting thought during some mixed agitation earlier this week. I am feeling calmer now and I think I will be okay. I saw my pdoc Tuesday and he told me to promise that I'd call him if things got worse. I told him I'd try. Sometimes it's so hard to hear that small shred of self-preservation buried under the roar of self-destruction.

I just want to get Christmas over with. Spending time with family members who abandoned me in my darkest hour is not good for me. Yet I will smile, say "pass the potatoes" and carry on. But my heart will hurt.

[~Christina]

((( Dragonfly)))

Im sorry your having a rough time right now. I think the hoildays are just one more hurdle to get over whether your all for it or would prefer to fast forward life til mid January.

Good for you for calling the hotline ,,just to find out what would happen ...
I hope you can avoid a hospital trip this winter ,, but at least you are realizing that it may indeed happen ... alot of people think its bad to take a trip to the hospital ,, well noone likes it but ,,if your in crisis thats the best place to be.

Just try to be good to yourself ,,, breath breath breath ...

((( Hugs )))

[AniManiac]

(((Dragonfly)))

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time lately. I'm glad you have a plan in case things get too difficult for you, but hope you won't have to use it! I hope it gets better soon, or at least after all the holiday stuff is behind us. Keep taking care of yourself!

[SunAngel]

Dragonfly, I am so sorry you are experiencing this, but am glad you have a plan in place.

What I do during Christmas is to just think it will be over with quickly, and I won't have to experience these feelings for long.

I have had quite a few losses in my life and am always afraid I will start crying over at my in-laws in front of everyone.

I just told my husband this 2 days ago, and he told me if I need to cry, to just cry.

It will be over quickly for you, and I really hope you don't end up in the hospital for the winter, but if you do, it's the best thing for you to do to keep yourself safe.

In fact, just replying to this thread made me start crying and my husband understands completely and is very supportive. He just told me again that if I need to cry to just do it.

Everything will be over quickly during Christmas. Try to think that it will be over with really fast, and keep on telling yourself that you will get through it.

However, if you have suicidal thoughts during this time, please call that hotline and get yourself some help.

The holidays suck for so many people, and it's supposed to be a good time. The only good times I have had during Christmas was when I was a kid and believed in Santa Clause.

CHRISTMAS SUCKS!!!

[dragonfly2]

Thanks everyone.

SunAngel - I'm sorry you're having a tough time too. Christmas is sort of a mixed bag sometimes. It can be warm and fuzzy, looking at the lights and snuggling under a blanket with my kids. But it can also be a very dark time, with high expectations and a lot of baggage along with it.

I wish I could cry. I want to be able to sob uncontrollably and get all of this out. That's part of what I was trying to get at earlier this month when I let some of the melancholy in. I wasn't exactly expecting the thoughts of suicide to follow (and I really have no desire to die), but I was prepared for it to be a possibility. Like many of us, this is a fight I have been fighting for many, many years and I'm just not sure it's a fight I will ultimately win.

I'll be okay, it's just something I need to process. And if I have to process part of it inpatient, then that's what I'll have to do.

Sending everyone gentle hugs to help us all get through this time.