[SingDanceRunLife]

My life just isn't going well right now. All I want to do is scream and cry and punch something.

I was doing pretty well and feeling pretty stable and then I went off Zyprexa. My pdoc added Abilify in place of the Zyprexa after I said I wasn't doing too hot. It's been a couple of weeks and I don't think that Abilify is doing it's job so maybe I should up the dose (obviously talking to my pdoc about it -- I see her next week).

But this week has been especially bad. I feel like I'm just so over so many things...being at home, work, taking meds, Christmas etc. Pretty much the only positive right now is that I'm going back to school in a month (I grudgingly took this semester off).

On the taking meds front, I've been bad. The last 2 nights I haven't taken them. It just makes me so mad that I have to be dependent on some stupid chemicals to function like a normal person!

I don't know...I just really needed to vent.

[dragonfly2]

Oh, do I know where you're coming from. I've been struggling with taking my meds as well. Let yourself scream and cry and punch things. Let it out into a pillow, find some poignant music and sing at the top of your lungs (that one's working for me lately) - you've got to let it out somehow, but in a safe fashion.

Between the northern winters and the holidays, many of us are feeling pretty crappy this time of year. You are not alone. Release the energy and emotions and try to regroup to get through Christmas. Focus on going back to school after Christmas is over. Only 4 more days to go and then Christmas will be done. You can get through this.

[SingDanceRunLife]

Yeah...I mean, a lot of it is really that I'm tired of being at home. I've been home since mid May which is the longest I've been home since I started college in 2009. And work? Don't even get me started. My manager at one job is a complete witch and I seriously want to punch her in the face, and there's so much stupid high school drama at my other job.

And meds? Ugh! Stupid meds!

And it doesn't help that I couldn't make t last week and my t is out of the office this week

I know what you mean about the meds. I resent it to

[SingDanceRunLife]

Sucks, right?

[AniManiac]

I went through a pretty long period of being bitter about meds, probably a good 10 years.

Then I realized if that's all I have to do to improve my life this much, I probably shouldn't complain. Other people take medication for chronic conditions to feel "normal" and this is really not so different.

And it could be a lot worse, for example, dialysis would really suck. My stepbrother has cerebral palsy, which is a pretty raw deal that makes my pill-popping seem utterly trivial, and has helped me keep the issue in perspective. Lately I also wonder about the fate of the mentally ill in developing countries who may not have access to the meds that make life a little more tolerable for many of us.

Anyway, the effect of my resentment toward medication was non-compliance, though at the time I was being given SSRIs that screwed me up even worse, but I might have had the right dx 15 years sooner if I'd stayed on them. When I started having psychotic symptoms, I became really inconsistent about taking meds, which made everything a lot worse (rapid cycling between mania and mixed states, for months and months, with no real help or relief at any point) and eventually led to self-medication in a big way. I didn't get on an AD that didn't make me crazier until another major depressive episode flattened me later.

Moral of the story: yes, meds suck! But it could be a lot worse. End of lecture.

[SingDanceRunLife]

I agree. It could be worse. But just because it could be worse doesn't make me resent having to take meds any less or hate what's going on in my life any less. I'm still struggling in my daily life and well, it sucks.

[SingDanceRunLife]

GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

There. I screamed. Definitely needed after today.

How are you doing today, SDRL?

[SingDanceRunLife]

I'm still not doing well. I'm feeling quite depressed.

[kaliope]

I know meds suck. I was very antimed. I so resent having to rely on pills to make me sane, but Im getting over it.

I spent over thirty years of my life unmedicated. They were hell. I made some really bad choices. I raised three children in poverty and lived thru two abusive relationships because I couldnt function well enough to choose different. How different could life had been if I were stable? I will never know.

After a nervous breakdown and involuntary hospitalization I am now successfully being treated with meds and have been stable for two years. I got my degree and have a good job. I never believed I could get better and have a "normal" life, but it is happening. Had I only had access to this all those years ago. Thirty years wasted. Dont let it happen to you.

[SingDanceRunLife]

I think if I were completely stable I would probably have a different view on meds but I'm not so I'm still very resentful. It's just really hard which I'm sure you understand.