ICan't do it

I can see the future happening and it's making me sick.
I can't actually breathe, I can't feel myself it's like everything has gone.
I don't want to die but I can't see any other choice.
I can't live my life. It the life of the person I should have been

Try taking some long, deep breaths, OK? What helps me when I start to focus on the future, and possible negativity, is to remind myself that the only day I am in control of is TODAY, this very moment! Why waste valuable energy on worrying about what might or might not happen in the future? It is difficult sometimes, but taking things one day at a time has really helped me. Maybe living one day at a time would help you too?

I hope you're feeling better soon.

It's not even about that. I'm an awful person, I'm an infection on everyone around me.
Everything that's bad happens to me to make me feel like this because someone out there knows that I'm wrong and I shouldn't be here in the first place.

Oh you poor thing...but you ARE here, just like you are supposed be!! I'm not terribly religious and I have been in your shoes and worse most of my life. One day at a time is great advise, but at the moment it means nothing to you. I get that. Can you elaborate a bit on your issue?

I want something I get it. I get everything I want in life an more. But it makes me feel worse. I'm drinking from the golden cup but it's cutting my throat.
Because I was never meant to be born. The worlds not meant to have Misha-zee.
I'm so bad that some higher being is watching over me, giving me what I want and making me choke on it, because I'm meant to be depressed so that I kill myself. Because I am that bad that the most fitting way for me to die is feeling like this.
All these years what's stopped me killing myself is my family and friends but I now realise that was selfish of me

Hmm...I'm wondering if you have heard of cognitive distortions? I think this is what you are experiencing, and it can be worked on in therapy (are you in therapy, by the way?) Sorry if I'm way off base, just my thoughts. Here's a link to a psychcentral article about cognitive distortions, if you're interested:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/

Your post also makes me wonder...is there anyone in your life who has told you that you're awful, an infection, etc? Perhaps you have been told these things that aren't really true. I will say it clearly: You are not an awful person. You are not an infection.

Oh sweetie..I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, I'm just not that qualified, but I can listen.
The only thing I know for sure is that you are so young.(i read your profile), and, believe me, I know that means nothing to you at the moment, but your whole life is ahead of you and it will not be like this forever, I promise you that. It is not selfish to leave your family but selfish TO leave your family...they love you and would never recover should that happen. It sounds like you've lead a charmed life and feel undeserving of it..why is that? Have you seen your dr.? I don't mean therapist, your regular dr..? It could be all chemical, a simple pill may help.

No i've not been told it. I'm like poison, i'm horrible. I disgust myself, it's like I have finally realised what I am tonight. Most people would want to rip their own eyes out of they realised they were as despicable as me, but not me, I'm too selfish and cowardly.
I feel my 'mental illness,' is not a mental illness I'm just being punished and tortured, for who I am. I see things so clearly now.

I'm logging off now. Don't worry about me, I'm going to bed.
Thank you and sorry

Ok, but know I will be in touch if that's alright with you?

Hi friend,
You are not a horrible person! You are not alone in feeling that way. Last year, I felt very badly and that I was a despicable person, and based it off of reality. But looking back, at that time I was very, very depressed. Whether it feels like depression or not, I think you may also be very depressed. There is something called major depression that you may relate to. Most of all, it can be taken care of! Please get the help of a p-doc or a therapist who can work with you through this.

I'm on my way to work, I'm fairly sure I was psychotic last night, I had all this stuff flooding into my head and I don't know where it comes from. I still agree with what I was saying but it doesn't feel so extreme.

Glad it's at least a little better today - do you have a pdoc or T with whom you can talk about this? It doesn't sound like a good place to be, and you should probably see if you can get some help.