ugh

(this is my facebook post)

I'm really feeling down, even though I post videos of myself having fun, I'm not, its all a facade. My job hates me, or I hate my job; haven't figured that out yet. I'm pretty hateful right now. I'm bitter and miserable; I've been in a mixed episode for nearly 3 weeks now I hate it. I ****ing hate it. I have my 2 best friends that are always there for me and I can open up and tell them things that I won't even tell a doctor or a family member because I trust them whole heartedly, and don't trust anyone else!!! even though I'm never near Chicago or Orlando, they are almost always at reach thru my phone. I'm wishing that something would happen and I can end this horror and pain. I just want to be normal, or some derivitive of normal or just done. Life isn't fun, it hasn't been fun for sometime. I care deeply about my friends and couldn't ever do anything that would hurt them. It just wouldn't be me. I don't want people saying hang in there or it will be ok because it won't. It never is, and it never will be. Ever since my mom passed I've been into the depths of hell, where I have established a permanent residency. I want my life back, or not. I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I've lost all interest in the things that made me the most happy; Aviation and Culinary. this just blows

I hope things get better for you soon. Do you have a therapist to meet with, or a local support group that you can visit with? I'm hoping to make it to my first support group meeting this month. I just have to find little things like that to look forward to and hold on tight until then.

You posted this paragraph on Facebook?

You don't want people to tell you that everything will be OK. I get that. I've been at that place too, where I just wanted to vent and didn't want to hear comforting words that sounded so phony and false at the time. But I will tell you this: Until you decide that you truly want to be out of this pit of despair, then you'll likely be in this pit for a while. I hope that you do find that desire to at least try climbing out of this hole, one small step at a time.

Also, do you have a therapist who knows how you're feeling? Would it be possible to change up your meds, or increase the dosage of a med you're currently on?

Not to shake my finger in your face ... But Facebook? Don't employers monitor these sites? Not liking your job I get ... But getting fired?

What I guess really gets to me about what I've heard you going through for all these months is that I think, if you were being treated, you wouldn't be suffering so much pain & unhappiness. Am I positive? No. But I sure wish you had that option.

Hug that adorable pug, chandlerT660. I think about you a lot. I'd sure love to buy you the tickets for those front row seats.

Yes my company does have a facebook page and yes I'm a friend of the company. I usually vent on facebook. I'm pretty open about my issues. I have decided I want help, but at the same time I can't afford loss in income. So its a double edged sword. Do I get help, or do I keep my job? Thats a life event that is not taken lightly. I'm moving ever so more closely to the loss in income.

If I was being treated, I most likely would be a much happier camper. But do to DOT regs, I can't be treated for any kind of Psychiatric ailment, or I could lose my CDL. So I keep everything hush hush for the most part. Its a life event decision, treatment or income? Thats a hard one for me. But either way if I don't do something soon, the loss of income will be involuntary because I will do something irrational. So I'm leaning ever so closely to treatment now than ever before. Now I used to be on meds, seeing a therapist and attending group sessions; but as ever bi-polar person knows, once you start feeling "better" the likelyhood of stopping treatment is great. I quit everything, and its come back 10 fold. So that being said. I'm leaning more towards getting help.

I also for whatever reason today bought 9 electric can openers and 2 toaster ovens. I don't know why.

Hmm...my suggestion would be to get the professional help. Like you said, if you keep trying to stay "hush hush" about your issues, then you might end up doing something irrational and lose the job anyways. Of course, this has to be your decision. I hope you'll keep us updated on what you decide, and how things are going.

chandler! Sheesh. That really sucks. From the way I read the regs, it looks like you can't even have a psych diagnosis ("likely to interfere with his/her ability to drive a CMV safely"), which sheesh, is ridiculous on their part, because who's to say that it would --especially if treated(!!!) I get the safety thing, I really do, but from my experience there are a helluva lot of drivers who probably shouldn't have licenses -- and mental health has nothing to do with it! But... guess a rant will do no good here.. (Btw, I only looked up the regs because you got me thinking. My work involves the DOT too and it made me wonder. Turns out it doesn't apply to what I do.) Also, it's a good a place as any to tell you that I am damn impressed with the sheer skill of driving those semis -- I constantly marvel at it, especially through smaller sidestreets! I couldn't do it in a million years.

I really hope something will work out for you. It's a very hard position to be in, that's for sure. Lots of hugs.

Among other things, I got 27 hand fans one time, so it wouldn't be for me to say why, lol!