Ten Steps Back :(

Lately in therapy and in life I've been making so much progress. I wasn't snapping at people! I was still kinda sad inside, but I could laugh and enjoy stuff! I was open and willing to talk to my T! But then I screwed up. I snapped at my mom and caused this whole series of events to occur, which ended up with me being super upset and my dad screaming at me and blaming everything on me. My parents don't know that I have BPII. They just know I have some mood disorder and I'm depressed. My dad is blaming me for all my families problems and a lot of it is true. I already feel bad enough for what I said to cause so many problems. I hate myself for not being able to control myself and catch myself before stuff happens. I should be able to!!!!

I'm also scared to death to even talk to my T tomorrow I know that's bad because if I was gonna talk to anyone, she would probs be the best person. I haven't talked to anyone about what happened this week or how upset and pissed I am. I've actually been doing ok with everything lately and then I screw up! It seems like when things are going well, I am just waiting for the ball to drop! I'm waiting for me to screw up and take ten steps back. My T is gonna be so disappointed in me and want to know every little detail of what happened and how I felt, but just like so many other things, I don't wanna go back through it.

Idk why I wrote all this out...I guess I just needed to let someone know how I feel. I'm just scared and have no support system. My parents are really hard on me and my friends don't really wanna talk about any of this stuff. Does anyone have any advice for someone still trying to figure stuff out? How do you stop yourself before you snap?

It took me years of practice to stop before I blew, and even then I still occassionally blow it. There are times when my mind just flicks a switch and I am off to the races whether I want it or not.

I am surprised your parents don't know your diagnoses. That seems a little odd to me, but that is your life, not mine. I know once my parents knew what was wrong with me and they started to learn about it my bizarre behavior got more understandable.

How did I learn to control the blowouts, practice with friends and therapist. I would role play. I always felt like an idiot when I did it, but it payed off well later when I was in the middle of a tense situation.

It took a long time and lots of practice before It started working in real life situations though. I am not about to tell you it happened overnight.

I wish you the best. Keepposting.

I know it seems weird that I haven't told them, but they aren't the most supportive people when it comes to this stuff. When I told them I wanted to go to therapy, it was a battle to get them to support it even the slightest. Even now they constantly ask if I'm gonna be done yet or if its a waste of money. My parents have gone through a lot and my family has gone through a lot and I don't want to make them worry because I know they will. I know they are probably worried to a point right now, but I also know my mom will obsess over it and me if I tell them. I know I have to soon cuz my dad thinks its his fault I'm going to therapy now and he barely speaks to me anymore because he doesn't want to "offend" me. I usually blow up at him because for some reason he really knows how to push my buttons. He is a very critical man with a very condescending tone of voice every time he talks. Its really hard to have a decent conversation with him without me getting pissed off. Idk my family is pretty messed up and has the mindset of "just keep pushing on." My T hates that tho.

Don't be so hard on yourself. People snap at each other all the time! There are some relaxation skills you can use when you are feeling tense, sometimes I have to close my mouth and bite my tongue(not hard) to avoid saying something I will regret, and put a smile on my face. Usually I can just breathe through it, and it passes.
Relationships with family can be hard.
Dealing with bp is a lifelong process, be kind to yourself.

Could the disappointment you expect actually be yours and not your T's? Most Ts are used to the ten steps back, as it is a frequent thing in therapy. We all make mistakes. We all snap at people. It's just a part of life. As for going through the situation, while a total pain, it does help you to vent, as well as learn how to respond the next time.

Your T is there to help you and and you shouldn't worry about disappointing. I've always had a short fuse and would blow up at the least provocation, real or imagined. It has taken a long time and a lot of work to learn how to control it and I still go off once in a while. As far as not telling your parents I understand. My mother was less than supportive too. Let your T help you work through the tough times.