[Berly0384]

I believe I have bipolar disorder. I have been diagnosed as such however as 2/3 of those with bipolar have I also am an addict, which makes it even harder to diagnose. I say I believe I'm bipolar because I don't want to believe it and have so many different opinions because of my addictions as well. I am writing today for me but in a way because I believe my family wants me to. They are hurting because of me. They sat me down to watch the an episode of dr. Phil on bipolar disorder and certain things rang true. I could relate to the extreme highs and lows. I have had periods of sobriety and have still experience those episodes. My doctor now who I highly respect believes I am. Anyways some of my episodes include 3months when I was 21 of very little sleep. During that time I spent a lot of money (probably 4000)on clothes, had a lot of random sex, and talked incessantly. When I was 23 I had a two hour period where I thought I was going to get assassinated and just recently a hallucination of a young boy. In between these periods I experience extreme lows and anxiety. I stay in my room and sleep as much as possible. I rarely take baths and I treat myself as horrible as possible. Im so confused because I have both issues and I don't want to be "crazy" so just being a drug addict is ok with me which is a ridiculous thought process I know but that's how I feel. I know I use my bipolar to justify my drug use. Its a crazy cycle I'm stuck in and I feel like I can't get out. I am not suicidal which is awesome for me because I have been in the pAst. I am100 percent sure I am an addict and can't get why I can't get the program because I try my hardest I feel however I know that I have no impulse control which is a sign of bipolar. When I am doing good (for me ) I am just not in reality and I just dont get real life. I obsessed with things that dont matter such as loser guys and I don't have a grasp on what really matters. I'm stuck in a fantasy world. I don't know I'm so confused and I desperately want to stop hurting my family and I want help for me and i am ready to do whatever it takes to get better. I just need to know the first step to take. I at least need to know whether I'm bipolar or not to start the first steps to getting better. I so want help I just chose a non feeling approach because I'm so ashamed and scared but given the chance IM willing to tackle my demons. I've been depresses anxious and sucidal since age 8and the manic episodes began in my early 20's. I am now 27 and lost. I've been on so many different medications since age 14. I feel like I'm on the right Mede right now it's just a struggle to take them and it doesn't make sense when I explain why. I am just so messed up right now and I need help. I feel like Im headed for a train wreck in so many ways. I've been looking for resources to go to but I can't find one that addresses all my issues plus I can't burden my family financially anymore. I dont know what to do so this is sent with a whim and a prayer,

[AniManiac]

Welcome to PC, Berly - I hope you'll find it helpful!

One of the main reasons that bipolar people tend to have substance use problems is that they are self-medicating to reduce their symptoms. Unfortunately, that doesn't usually work very well and can have very bad consequences.

If your doctor believes you are bipolar, you should seriously consider treatments specific to bipolar, and even more so, dual diagnosis (bipolar + substance abuse). You did not mention whether your doctor is a psychiatrist. If not, you should go to a psychiatrist for evaluation to be more certain of the diagnosis because they are trained in recognizing these illnesses, unlike a typical family doctor.

I used to use drugs and alcohol to try to manage my symptoms. Now that I am stable on medications, I don't feel any need to do that anymore, and have been able to break my addictions. My moods and mental functioning are much more stable and I feel more like myself than I have in years. Others here have had similar experiences.

So the first thing I would suggest that you do is go to a psychiatrist, if you haven't, take their diagnosis seriously (even if you don't want to believe it - none of us wanted this diagnosis!) and follow the treatments they suggest, usually mood stabilizer medications and possibly antipsychotics. It may take some time to find the treatments that best help you, but bipolar is not the end of everything, and you can find stability and live a productive life.

If you have addiction problems, they may also require you to go into rehab so that you can be properly evaluated. I know that may seem very difficult and as you mentioned, you don't think being an addict is all that bad, but if you want to get your life in order, you will have to do this. Otherwise, as many can attest, leaving bipolar untreated and continuing with the addictions is almost assuredly the most miserable and self-destructive path and tends to end very badly.

Good luck!

[Berly0384]

Thank you AniManiac for responding. It helped a lot. I have been diagnosed bipolar by two psychiatrists......so maybe I should listen to them. It's such a hard thing to grasp though b/c sometimes I associate it with crazy and I don't want to be that. Anyways, I liked the hope you gave me that I can live a stable, productive life once I deal with my issues. I also like that you said none of us wanted this diagnosis. This forum is really helping me already b/c it shows me that I am not alone. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. It meant so much. Thanks again, berly

[lad007]

It is a hard thing to grasp and we just saw that Dr. Phil and I wasn't happy that he showed someone being violent with their children and crashing cars into buildings.
It's TV, it was explosive.
There are so many people with BiPolar living life with contentment.
For me, once I found the medication I needed, I did not need to drink to excess or do drugs. That urge went away when my brain was functioning better.
I have a professional career and a healthy life, it is possible.
I wish you the best of luck with it all.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by Berly0384

Thank you AniManiac for responding. It helped a lot. I have been diagnosed bipolar by two psychiatrists......so maybe I should listen to them. It's such a hard thing to grasp though b/c sometimes I associate it with crazy and I don't want to be that. Anyways, I liked the hope you gave me that I can live a stable, productive life once I deal with my issues. I also like that you said none of us wanted this diagnosis. This forum is really helping me already b/c it shows me that I am not alone. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. It meant so much. Thanks again, berly

No problem, Berly!

A bipolar diagnosis really is a tough thing to deal with - acceptance is a process that can often take years. Working with a therapist can help with that, as well as coming to understand how bipolar has affected your life and developing better skills to manage it moving forward. At the same time, having the diagnosis can really be a relief, knowing that your challenges have a real reason, and a prompt for self-forgiveness when you realize that you're not entirely at fault for "bad" behavior in your past, and that you can try to do something to prevent it in the future.

Yes, bipolar is unfortunately associated with crazy; that's what stigma is all about. I personally prefer to own the term and refer to myself as crazy when among sympathetic company. However, it's important for us and the broader public to understand that this is an illness which is not our fault and that we did not choose. Research has shown with fair certainty that bipolar disorder is a primarily organic condition, meaning that it's a result of having different wiring and chemical balances in our brains, which is why most people with bipolar disorder both need and respond well to the right medications.

If you're willing to commit to helping yourself, it really can (and likely will) get a lot better, and sometimes in ways that you never expected because you didn't realize they were even possible. It's not easy, especially at first, but it's definitely worth putting up a fight to have a better life. Another thing that will be very helpful for you is to learn all you can about bipolar - read all the books at your library, share books on how to understand bipolar disorder with family members (if you're comfortable with that, there are some books specifically for that purpose), and get the knowledge you need to be your own advocate and take better care of yourself.

[jaxter23]

I also just got diagnosed with bipolar and have been using alcohol to cope with my symptoms. I think a lot of what was said here is very true. I'm still having a hard time adjusting to the reality and I'm still trying to find the right meds to help me out. Everyone has good days and bad days and in all honesty I've discovered you really have to focus on the good days and try and pull yourself out when you have a bad day. I've been tearing my family apart as well and really need some answers. It just takes time to learn to manage I think. I'm only a few months into treatment, but I've been going to see a therapist and it really helps and friends help too! And this place seems to be a really good place to find advice, even if you just read through some of the threads. Good luck!!!

[roads]

Berly & jaxter, I'm so glad you both found PC. My experience in the four or so yrs since being diagnosed closely parallels lads. I too am an alcoholic, tho, & I'm happy/relieved to tell you that I've been back in AA & sober with no real difficulty since getting my bipolar meds worked out. Since quitting thru AA in 1981, I've gone back to drinking briefly twice in what I now recognize as hypomanic periods triggered probably by antidepressants.

All in all, I'd have to say that being diagnosed bipolar II was the best thing to happen to me after quitting drinking thru AA. It was the completion of the sobriety process. Without the bipolar meds and therapy, I wasn't able to get all the way here--and stay here. Life's much better on this side of the deep, dark pit.

AniManiac has as much knowledge/experience as anyone here. She among my most respected mentors. You have a wonderful resource there.

What a great position you're in. If I can help any, let me know! I'm a big fan of everyone wanting to quit.

[moremi]

I was diagnosed bipolar back in 2009 after having a manic episode. I didnt believe I was bipolar either. I had been self medicating for years with different pills xanax clonopin and different pain pills. I felt like they kept me normal. I landed in rehab in 2010, suicidal bc i ran out of pills and was very sick and just felt like my whole world was crashing down around me. At rehab they also had a psychiatrist on staff and i was diagnosed bipolar again. I still didnt want to believe it. I was released from rehab. I tried my hardest to not self medicate but again my bipolar was untreated and I needed something to make me feel normal again. So I went on a binge, eating all the pills i could get my hands on and then trying to commit suicide because i knew i was just a screw up. I was admitted to the hospital and was once again diagnosed bipolar and had BPD added as another diagnoses. They put me on the proper medications for bipolar a mood stabilizer and this made a world of difference. I had one more run in with the pills a year later it was just one night though and that night I realized those pills did anything but make me normal. They turned me into a zombified monster. Im telling you what they said above is so true. I have NO cravings for the pills anymore. Its like I was never an addict and I used for 6 years 24/7. I have finally found out what its truly like to feel like a person. Reality isnt so hard for me. Ive been clean 10 months now since my one night dance with the pills. I have no cravings and I can concentrate on my true illness, bipolar disorder. I hope you find your way too.

[Berly0384]

Wow this is really awesome! Thank you everyone....u are really helping me feel like I am not alone anymore : ) thanks again berly