Ever think you were stable, only to be proven otherwise? Haha yes of coarse. I hate this, I thought I have been doing ok. But I have not, I have gotten into three major fights with my bf in the last week. Last night was one. Of coarse this morning I feel drained, my eyes are sore and puffy from crying. Let's just say I have been going into rages, over very small things, at first I will get upset, then his reaction to my "upsetness" will cause me to blow, completely, irrationally. The only time we ever fight like this is when I am "sick".

And at the time, I feel I am being completely rational, then when I am told I am not I feel sooo defensive, cause you know I believe I am being rational, logical, when that is put up against me, I feel trapped into a corner. The words "no, you are just sick right now." leave me feeling completely unvalidated, and unheard. What a mess.

I'm not feeling depressed, nor up right now. I have been under a lot of stress. This really sucks, I love my bf so much, we don't always communicate with awesomeness, but we do a pretty good job, hard to communicate with someone who isn't thinking clearly. And it makes me feel like a brat, I mean he tries to be pretty understanding. So I'll go the rest of the day feeling guilty and ashamed, every time I look in the mirror I'll see my puffy eyes to remind me. The sad part is, is that no matter how hard I try to be well, or or modify my reactions, my perception will become distorted again and again.

All I could think last night is, this is why people with bipolar do not always want to continue. All in all what is the worst feeling for me, is not the depression, nor the mania, it's the knowing that you have lost touch and the shame, and guilt that comes with it. Hurting people I love. After all these years, I still don't know how to work with it. Do I take a " kill my pride or ego" approach? I'm not really sure.

[~Christina]

I feel like I could have written that post myself ** sigh**.... Im guessing here but I guess we all just need to be a little easier on ourselves .. Bipolar is an illnesss. YES we are still responsible for our actions but .. sometimes we arent that rational person that can see clearly whats going on ... I more often than not will avoid an argument with my husband just becasue i dont want to feel guilty and self loathing afterwards .. but that can and has led to resentment on my part ,, seems almost like a vivcious cirlcle ... I work hard with my T in learning which battles to pick and which to let go along with how i can really let it go and not beat myself up or have the resentment build for a hige blow out ..

I wish I had grand words of wisdom ,, I just have a ear and and can completly understand where your coming from ..

(((( HUGS )))))

[BuggsBunny]

And at the time, I feel I am being completely rational, then when I am told I am not I feel sooo defensive, cause you know I believe I am being rational, logical, when that is put up against me, I feel trapped into a corner.

Okay, I don't know if any of you can do this, or have a T willing to help with it, but mine taught me when my logic was bad and to borrow her logic. (Basically to think her way, which can be a dangerous thing if you don't have a T willing to go all the way thru it with you.) My logic was so screwed up - cutting was okay, manic walks at 2 am were normal behavior, I don't feel like it was a valid excuse for not doing something, etc-that I really had to rely on hers, and had two sets of logic for a while, Casey Logic, that was mine, and was usually screwed up thinking. Janet Logic, that was hers, and I have learned over the years, was usually right. After several years, the logics began to merge, and I can see now where my self defeating thinking was taking me. (Into the nuthouse, basically.)

So if you have someone you can trust with your whole being, try borrowing their logic, when you are being told that you aren't rational right now. It just might help.

BuggsBunny,

Thank you, that is a really interesting idea. I don't have a T that would do this with me, I don't think. I do have a T, but it's pretty unconventional. When my bf gets me calm enough, and slowed down enough, eventually the rational will click, slowly. Slow enough that it's almost too little too late.

Maybe I need to re-adjust my response and thoughts towards being told "you are not rational right now". When I hear those words I feel immediate anger, and frustration. I feel like my feelings, at the time are being totally unvalidated. I guess I am seeing it as a personal attack on myself instead of something that could be and is intended as constructive.

Thanks for that idea, I'm going to see if I can find a way to work with that.

Morethingswrong, good reminder, pick your battles, I mean I do that with my kids, I do it with my bf and others, when I am clearly thinking. *sigh* I don't know, maybe part of it is my conflict skills. I am not one who is known for walking away, cooling down, or pretending like nothing happened. I like to just get it over with, get to the bottom of it and find some resolution. But obviously this isn't a good idea until "cooler heads prevail" I guess they say it for a reason.

Thank you both.

Originally Posted by Anika

...And at the time, I feel I am being completely rational...

OH yeah! It TOTALLY feels rational at the time!

Originally Posted by Anika

...being told "you are not rational right now". When I hear those words I feel immediate anger, and frustration. I feel like my feelings, at the time are being totally unvalidated. I guess I am seeing it as a personal attack on myself instead of something that could be and is intended as constructive.

I don't take it well either. My response can be summed up in one onomatopoeia. "PFFFFT!!!" I think they're being ridiculous! (I know what I want. So get out of my way!)

It's a hard thing. You know, the standard advice about bringing up a topic when people are calm and not in the heat of the moment so it can be rationally discussed? It's kind of hard to find such a moment, isn't it? At least in comparison with "regular" situations. Like you say, it's "hard to communicate with someone who isn't thinking clearly". And it's not necessarily the case that it's a momentary thing when we're in an episode(!) Whoever needs to let us know is up against a tricky situation for sure. So often it really can't wait till we're rational again. And we sure don't want to hear it at the time we actually need to(!) Argh!

You know how they talk about making a contract when you're feeling well about what should be done when certain indicators are reached? (Like taking away credit cards before manic spending gets out of control.) I guess that'd be one approach anyway. We're still not going to want to hear it of course(!) But having it codified might help give a reality check, since it was made as a team with those who care about us. "Oh. Yeah. Guess that was one of the things." (Followed by, "Damn!" Lol.) It might help to remind us that they are doing it because they care, not because they are attacking us. Might be part of an approach to the issue anyway.

Wow, this is feeling rambly! Not sure I'm even making sense. If there's anything useful, help yourself to it, if not, ignore.

[sugahorse1]

I am exactly the same. Just last night this kind of thing happened

[dazeofdolphins]

Damn! I just wrote you a really long thoughtful response but was not done when I must have pushed the wrong button and it all disappeared - argh! Well, feel free to PM me and I can attempt to do it over. So sorry. I'm on your side!
dazeofdolphins