PER again - NO HELP!!!! *TRIGGER*

I read somewhere that sometimes it takes a lot of "mini break-ups" before it really sticks.

i just wrote him an email- I feel some better. I couldn't express myself via text or on the phone- I'd get too upset- but emails are just that bit more detached so they can't reply right away and ruin your train of thought.

Oh and I'm still having visions of taking many sleeping pills, but I guess I'm distracting myself enough. I do feel much calmer than I did last Monday. I feel sleepy now. And Tuesday at 10 is when I see my pdoc. This board has helped me SO much to make it through each day one at a time.

Moose just keep posting and we will all keep supporting you

((((( Hugs )))))

My other fiend is breaking UP with me as I tyPe. Six yeasZ. Fml

That's my post from earlier....?

Having emails back and forth now. Hard but easier than the texting. Going to go see a friend in the hospital. Might do me good.

It's hard. Still emails back and forth and tomorrow is my pdoc appointment. I don't think I've ever wanted to see my pdoc more.

Im glad your looking forward to seeing your Pdoc ... I sure do hope your able to find some ways to destress and get yourself feeling better ,, you have had too much hurt lately (((( Hugs )))))

I still feel rotten. Not only do I have to grieve but I have to grieve retroactively!

Will be back here to update about my pdoc around 11 am est.

We talked hospitalization. She didn't seem to think I needed it but rather talk therapy and she told me she couldn't change my situation. For the underlying depression I got a script for celexa which I'm waiting on now.

The Celexa might help. It helps a lot of people. Talk therapy is great. I love talk therapy.

Writing sad but brutally honest emails to "nonbf" and listening to requiems. Just like a scene out of a movie.

I've seen this same therapist for years and she never needs to read notes during my sessions.

My pdoc just really just said that what I want I can't have. Everything seems to be extra hard!

However, a long-time friend and I have been chatting again. (I visited him a few weeks ago.) He's SO great about the issues as of late. I am so lucky to have him around. Never judges me for anything to do with bipolar- ever. I need that so much. Instead of judging me he tells me I'm great.

I'm getting a new tdoc. I'm going to miss my old one, but I made her crazy.

You made her crazy? You mean its catching?

I suppose...lol

ugh. Feel anxious again and crappy insurance won't pay for my drugs. Well, not the ones I need like allergy stuff and migraine stuff.

My insurance is dropping me as of 3/1 because I make too much money on disability.

I get Medicare on 5/1. I don't know what to do exactly.

my mother is here. Drinking. I feel trapped. I think they're conspiring against me. and my pdoc prolly wouldn't give a flying fig. Just tell me to leave.

That hardly seems likely. Making to much money on disability, that is.

(((((((((((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hope your feeling ok Moose

Had spaghetti for dinner. That's rare. So I'm full at least. Watching tv with my daughter. Going to read to my youngest- Winnie the Pooh stories. Feeling okay, yes. I know it will take two weeks, but I hope the celexa will do something soon- even a sedative effect.

The limit is like 150$ below what I make. That's irritating.

I just had a HUGE fight- HUGE - with "him". After 25 emails and now this phone conversation I am exhausted emotionally. I can't deal. And one little celexa won't un-upset me. Its SOOOOOOOOOOO hard. Hard!!!! Why someone would pick this week to upset me this much is beyond me.

Really felt like cutting today in the shower. I really don't know what keeps me from doing it except that then they might say him BPD. (YUCK IMO)