Disturbing thoughts, something is wrong with me. :(

I hope nobody finds this super disturbing but I have really bad stomach pain on top of Bipolar with pyschotic features, OCD and PTSD.

I just started lithium, 900 mg a day. That's all I'm on, was just recently diagnosed not too long ago with the bipolar. I've been seeing things/hearing voices for most of my life, so I don't know what's going on.

I used to cut myself, but I have these awful thoughts while my stomach really hurts that I want to get a knife and just, cut my stomach open and see what's causing it. I don't want to kill myself so I wouldn't do it, but it keeps crossing my mind.

Is that like, a schizophrenic type of thought? Is that normal with bipolar? I know that's not right, and it worries me that I think like that. n___n

I was told I could possibly have early schizophrenia. So idk.
My grandma and aunt have it, and my aunt almost ripped skin off her body because she felt like she was "dirty." It just sounds like what it is to me.

what's wrong with me? that's disgusting

I feel like a freaking nut case for even thinking that, and it makes my skin crawl. But sometimes, it seems like a good idea. I don't want to commit suicide so I know I wouldn't do that but it just seems plausable sometimes.

Differentiating between bipolar, schizoaffective and schizophrenia can take time because there is a lot of overlap between the diagnoses, and the way our symptoms present over time changes. A snapshot of what a psychiatrist sees in one session in their office is seldom enough to be sure of what is really going on. Your experiences are quite common in all 3 of the above disorders, but the hallucinations don't fit with bipoar II.

Wanting to rip your guts out because of pain and distress is something I am very familiar with. Self destructive thoughts flashing through your mind can be exhausting and difficult to live with. These are things that I have found go hand in hand with psychotic episodes. Sometimes antipsychotics help relieve the distress and make the thoughts less intrusive, and sometimes they don't.
But these thoughts and feelings can also be part of other "disorders" such as major depression and borderline personality disorder. I can't speak for those situations.

Getting a good psychiatrist you can trust to treat you with dignity seems to be the most important next step. It won't be a short term relationship from what you describe.

I used to cut myself, but I have these awful thoughts while my stomach really hurts that I want to get a knife and just, cut my stomach open and see what's causing it. I don't want to kill myself so I wouldn't do it, but it keeps crossing my mind.

I have and still do go through the same thing. I have always had stomach issues. I've noticed that when my anxiety is high, the pain is worse. I've told my husband several times, that I was going to cut out my stomach. Just wanted to say, I understand. Be sure and tell your DR.. Take care

If you are having stomach pain, then please see your general physician. I had intermittent pain that I ignored for months and when it finally became so bad that I could hardly stand I went into the ER and found out I had pancreatitis. Ignoring it much more could have caused severe damage to it...and you can't live without your pancreas.

Please see your doctor, this pain is signaling you that something is physically wrong.

While youre thoughts are "normal" for one with a mental disorder, they can be quite disturbing. Have you told your doctor about these thoughts. From what i recall of being on lithium, it is just for balancing mood, and really doesnt address the voices or thoughts. is there a reason your doctor didnt put you on an antipsychotic as well? If these thoughts begin to scare you, it would be a wise choice to contact pdoc about reviewing and adjusting your meds.

I think seeing a general physician is a great idea, and if you have a good PPO insurance, go straight to a gastroenterologist. You cannot assume it is somatization.

I've had stomach pain for 7 years. So, it is just awful and normal. My GI doctor thinks I may have crohn's disease

I called my pdoc and she's fitting me in tomorrow.
I hate this. I hallucinated and saw palm trees in the bathtub with me last night

I'm not on an antipyschotic but I need to be.

How did your appointment go?

It sounds to me like you might need to be on a different cocktail of medications. I, too, experienced psychosis and was put on a variety of medications until being placed on Abilify 4-5 years ago. In addition to this, my Psychiatrist added lamotrigine, another mood stabilizer, and nortryptaline for depression. I have been stable on this cocktail for the past 4-5 years, with only mild depressive episodes occurring periodically, but no psychosis.

I also instituted an exercise regimen that helps keep the depression out of the picture. Maybe you could begin with a walking program, then proceed to something more strenuous like running. This is what worked for me. The point is to institute some lifestyle changes that will help, in conjunction with your meds, to create a better life for you.

Your psychiatrist needs to know that the lithium is not working properly, and that a change is in order. Your input is vital in obtaining the desired result, which is cessation of symptoms like hallucinations and psychosis. Your doctor should respond favorably to your input. If not, find another doctor.

Good luck to you. Keep us posted about your progress.

I keep asking my self the same question. when im in pain and have a low mood i think about hurting myself really badly, i woulnd do it but i get so frustraited i scratch my face and arms. i wish i had all the answers???
have you told your doctor ?