[hamster-bamster]

Not like anxiety-afraid - I am confident in my adrenaline surges at the right times. More like afraid that when I will be telling those wonderful things about my skills they will see that I post questions on forums about how to get up and face the day in the morning, that I have a bunch of meds in a cabinet at home and cannot function without them, that I have had a massive suicide attempt from a manic place, and if things do not work out with jobs (I have doubts I will be able to perform even if I get a job), I am considering filing for SSD. It's like I have a double life and they will see through. Or, that they will not see through but I will feel like a fake.

I do not think it is psychotic - I do realize they cannot read my thoughts - but I still believe they will somehow see through - my gaze and body language will be giveaways, whatever.

I have a very narrow set of skills and this is one of the few matching jobs, a rare opportunity, so I have to be serious about preparation. These thoughts derail me. I am afraid that by feeling like a fake I will have a facial expression that they will be able to read. Oh, and I took a long medical leave after the suicide attempt and it is not on my resume - I will speak of my experience as if it were continuous. But what else should I do?

I guess I need plain old support plus suggestions on how to change my thinking so that I would come across as authentic.

Lastly, I remember those findings that attractive people get hired more, in both genders, and I was attractive 40-50 lbs ago. Not inspiring, either.

[BuggsBunny]

Yes, job interviews are always hard, especially with our backgrounds. What you have to keep reminding yourself is that your medical issues are yours alone. They have nothing to do with the job. You don't even need to be thinking about them in regards to this interview.

Ask yourself this:
Will you do the job to the best of your ability?
Will you be there, clean and well behaved, each day?
Will you spend your day focusing on the job and not goofing off?
If you can say yes to most of the above then you aren't faking anything, Hamster. You are trying to remain a functioning member of society, something to be proud of. So if anything, you should go into this interview feeling proud of yourself instead of scared of "being seen thru."

You can do this. Keep a smile on your face, happy thoughts in the back of your mind, and walk in there ready to knock 'em dead with positiveness. They'll never know what hit them!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I have a very narrow set of skills and this is one of the few matching jobs, a rare opportunity, so I have to be serious about preparation... These thoughts derail me.

I know what you mean, I look at some of my old application letters and I just cringe, what was I thinking to actually WRITE that stuff?? Just stick to the facts, your "narrow skill set" - what in, computers? if so, you're not expected to have an outside life or personality - your interviewers won't! Ha ha, just kidding, I know things are different now. Yeah, they hire pretty, but they still need the workhorses and they know it, they just don't like to admit it. Just stress your skills AND your easygoing personality and your ability to understand the written word - see, you have got it all!
ETA - I used the same smilie as the above post! it's an interview day miracle!

[BlackPup]

If its any consolation, even the normals have to fake it for job interviews... Try not to put extra pressure on yourself, just do the best you can.
Good luck with it, job interviews suck.

[noneedtoknow]

Good luck.....keep focusing on the positive stuff you will bring to them!!!!!!Tuck us away in your pocket and take us with you. Let us know how it goes.

[hamster-bamster]

Tuck you away in my pocket... that is such a good advice! I will.

Yes, it is computers, but very narrow within computers.

Yes, I am am a workhorse, but with limitations: I have to go to bed at 10PM lest I have a very bad day if not two afterwards; plus, I am by now, after several months of doing so at my doctor's advice, so conditioned that I start being so sleepy even at 10:15 that I absolutely must retire to bed right away. So all-nighters are out of the question, unlike in my untreated, hypomanic, younger days.

It is a consolation that even the normals have to fake it. It is actually quite a big one, thanks.

BuggsBunny, to your questions:

Will you do the job to the best of your ability? A: Absolutely. I have deep concerns that this will not be enough (a separate topic), but on my end I will do my very best.
Will you be there, clean and well behaved, each day? A: Yes. I am on my way to being clean each morning even while staying alone in the apartment and reading about SSD.
Will you spend your day focusing on the job and not goofing off? A: The focusing ability according to my doctor is compromised, so this is a partial Yes. No, I will not be goofing off.

Overall, I answered Yes to most of the questions. So, you are saying, I should feel proud. This is a U-turn from my yesterday's negativeness and gloominess. I really appreciate this new perspective. Now, to the preparation!

[sb7777]

I recently got a new job, and went to see a pdoc (I'm recently diagnosed) shortly after starting.

It's always a toss-up whether you tell your employer or not about your condition. I have not told mine, mainly because I have lot of flexibility in my work hours. I can make my own hours, e.g. come in super early in the morning so I don't have to work through the night (I, like you, require a set sleep schedule. With a lack of steady, predictable, good sleep, I'm much more likely to have an event). I can go for a walk mid-day to recenter or clear my mind. I can step out to take rescue medication.

Are flexible hours possible in your new job?

[hamster-bamster]

It is possible that flex hours are available. I did not ask.

[cocoabeans]

I have the same fears and those fears keep me in a job that I hate. I hate it so much. I can't even express it.

[BuggsBunny]

Hamster, when is the interview? Or~How did it go?

[hamster-bamster]

It is on Thursday. I am preparing, on and off, and becoming more relaxed. I will let you know how it went, and then, later, what decision they made.

Cocoabeans (wonderful userid!), maybe conquering those fears now would be great timing, because looking for a job from the position of being currently employed is so much better than doing it (as is the case with me) from the position of being unemployed. It gives you power. They know you can say "to heck with you". They would be the ones courting you and not vice versa. They do not need to know you are hating the current job - you are just curious about new opportunities out there.

I think how you are feeling is so common to job hunters, I hate looking for a job, and interviews terrify me.

Sounds like you are taking great steps tho. Do people really hire based on looks, man I am naive, I know for some jobs ya, but common place, terrible.

What better time to conquer fears? I just want to wish you good luck. I think you can do this. Even if you did not get the job, you will still have faced some fears, and worked on some skills. Of course I do hope you get it.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Anika

Even if you did not get the job, you will still have faced some fears, and worked on some skills.

Thank you. I needed that.

[grandmaof3]

Good luck with your interview !

[hamster-bamster]

Not the best sequence of events so far. My T is up in the city and I saw her on Monday night (last appt on her schedule). It was Presidents' Day and the trains were on a Saturday schedule, which meant that my train was 35 minutes later. Plus, I got up very early on that Monday. I felt that I was falling asleep and I am always so afraid to miss my station since the trains are so infrequent I would not have a way to go back home. So I had no option but to go to a nearby cafe and get coffee. I am extremely sensitive to coffee. I usually drink only tea and only before noon. But I drank two cups of decaf coffee. I set an alarm clock not to miss my station and luckily it worked - I walked to the doors with my eyes shut though . I was so sleepy that I decided to go to sleep right away. No Trazodone, no extra Melatonin. Was wrong - should have loaded on stuff to sleep longer. Fell asleep. Woke up after two hours. One Trazodone. Another two hours. and all night long like this for the total of 3 or 4 Trazodone pills. Caffeine got me home safely but I definitely was paying the price. Yesterday I had this squeezing pain in my heart area all day long. I get it after sleeping too little or not sleeping well, but not for a WHOLE DAY and even into the night. During the night, thanks God, the pain released my heart, but by morning I developed a migraine. It was not so bad - I caught it early and Imitrex acted fast. Now that I have missed more than a whole day during which I should have been preparing, I do not know what to do tonight - try to catch up or relax at a Yin yoga class. I am leaning towards Yoga as it will clear and prepare my mind better. Does it sound reasonable?

Hmm , sorry that went so badly.

I'd go with yoga too, you can relax, let go of it all, and be a clean fresh presence for the interview tomorrow. Or maybe just review things one last time and then go to yoga.

[hamster-bamster]

Thank you, Anika. I will go for a long slow swim. It is relaxing to me as well but I do not need to travel by train, just walk to the pool. The less to do, the better for me now.

[BuggsBunny]

Swimming is good exercise, too, which will help you sleep better tonight.

My prayers for your interview tomorrow. May it turn out to be the best thing for you (which ever way it goes.) In other words, Good Luck!

[hamster-bamster]

Thank you! It went both well and not so well. Basically, I learned that I am fully dependent on my physiological states. In the beginning, when I was fresh, it went well. At the end, during the most important conversation with the hiring manager, I was hungry and thirsty. This makes my mind dull. I did not answer several important questions well. But I do not want to give up: I will write a follow up thank you note mentioning my further thoughts on the subject, so that she could see how my mind works afresh. I am working on that letter now. She definitely is not someone who would hire based on looks, even subconsciously - she goes for substance.

Physiology: despite having been swimming for 65(!) minutes and having gone to sleep in a relaxed state, I could not fall asleep. I ended up with 150 mg Trazodone and 1 whole pill of Klonopin. I slept for 8 hours, but sleep was not restful. This past night I slept for 9.5 hours like a baby. Why not yesterday - go figure...

The interview started at 2PM and my train (they run infrequently) left at 12:15. So I had lunch too early and was already semi-hungry by the beginning of the interview.

And the worst part - I was offered water but declined, because my hands shake when I hold a glass of water. This is from Depakote. This is exacerbated when I am stressed out. So I was getting dehydrated and this is awful for cognitive functioning.

I am not sure I will get another interview but if I do, lessons learned:

1) do not say that I am available all day long - give time windows so that the interview starts shortly after breakfast or lunch, and eat a complete meal

2) buy a sports bottle because my hands shake less when I do not have to worry about spilling from an open cup, take the bottle with me

3) fill it with Vitalyte, not H2O, because electrolytes hydrate much better than plain water

4) prepare more - I was asked some predictable questions for which I did not prepare answers

Shaking hands was a bummer, but now as I am writing it I realize that I should have at least made my hand into a cup and drunk in the ladies' room, to get SOME hydration. Was not smart enough for that.

The reason I was so concerned about shaking hands was not bipolar - they would not have guessed. They would either have thought that if I am so stressed out by a simple interview that I would be non-functioning on the job under pressure, or suspected substance dependency. Either way they would have become afraid of me. So, a real bummer.

OK, NOW I will drink Vitalyte and tea and get going on that follow-up letter. I want to feel like I have done what I could.

By the way, on Wed I saw my p-doc and complained about tremor. His response: "Think about what it would have been without tremor". Fair enough, I would have been manic often.

So I guess if I do get hired any place, I would have to explain to my new manager what is going on with my hands so that she would not suspect drug dependency. After all, being a stable well-medicated bipolar is less of a threat to the workplace than being an unmanaged substance abuser.

Lastly, the hiring manager told me of a relatively new certification that I can get (via an exam) that would increase my value career-wise. I got that feeling that she would not hire me but is giving me this good advice, and I am thankful. If I do not get the job, I will look into studying for the exam.

[BuggsBunny]

Thanks so much for the update, I've been wondering how it went. Congrats on making it to and thru the interview. Good job!!

[thickntired]

Way to go! I hate interviews - too much pressure to perform. I hope you get a call back!