cant make up mind - frustrated

have been married to K for almost 9 years. When we first met, I fell in love with him almost immediately. He was sweet, sensitive, loved to go shopping, loved my son, listened to me, overlooked my quirks, worked full time, was a dog lover, etc. We had a ton in common and he was easy to talk to. The first few months we were together, we talked constantly about everything. He knew about the daughter I gave up for adoption. He knew about my bipolar. He knew about my mom and her bipolar issues. He met my dad and survived. (Im a daddys girl - even at my age!) He was everything I wanted. I knew he had an issue with drinking and had gotten into legal trouble for it. But he assured me it was over and he wasn't drinking when we met. We talked about all the legal things he was going to have to deal with and I was willing to support him (emotionally, not financially). We were together for 7 months when we got married. During that time, he did start drinking again, but it wasn't an everyday kind of drinking. It was just once in awhile and he said it was because he was going to have to be sober for 18 months while he was on house arrest. The time he was on house arrest was hard, but he was sober the entire time. We didnt get to go many places due to the restrictions, but we had fun anyways. K has struggled with the drinking ever since he got off house arrest. Doesn't matter what anyone tells him, he drinks when he wants. We have been through everything possible in our relationship, and none of that matters. He doesn't seem to be able to stop for longer than a few months. I have left him for a short period of time, but went home because I missed him. When he is sober, he is an amazing man. A good husband and dad. But then he drinks and all that goes to hell. In our 9 years, I have had 2 surgeries. One was just an exploratory but I needed to rest for a few days afterwards. He spent the entire time I was supposed to be resting, drunk. I mean falling down stupid drunk. Then when I had my major surgery in 2008, he did the same thing. I was in the hospital for 5 days and he was drunk the whole time. Luckily I lived near my mom so she took care of my son for me. I am possibly facing another surgery in the very near future and I am scared. Will he stay sober? He has been sober for the last 3 months, but we have been through that before. I feel as though I can't trust him.

Here is my issue. I have the option to leave. I have 2 places I could go that I would be safe, have a roof over mine and my sons head, good support system at either place, and friends to help out at either place. I want to go. But I want to stay here. I am so confused. Feel so lost. Is this the bipolar working against me to make the right decision or is it just typical confusion? I go from wanting to leave to wanting to stay several times a day. Most of the time, several times in an hour. I have spent the last week crying all the time cause I don't know how to make up my mind.

I have posted this before in another forum and got some good advice. I know that I need to leave for my own sanity and my sons well being. He is 15 and angry all the time. He constantly calls or texts me about how much he hates K and doesn't want to live with him anymore. But I just can't make up my mind to go. I am not worried about a job. The place I want to go has several jobs in my field that are great jobs paying decent money. I have a car. I would have a place to stay. But everytime I bring it up, I see the look on K's face and I cave. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want anyone mad at me. I know several people at my current job would be upset that I left. I cover several different desks and TN would miss me filling in for her very much. I don't want to hurt her by leaving. I know life wont be perfect anywhere I am. There is always troubles. But I feel I would be better off somewhere else without the husband. So why can't I just go? Why must I struggle with this daily? How can I make up my mind? I have been so frustrated lately that I have almost gone back to cutting myself several times.

That last sentence is a key one. You have almost gone back to cutting. Have you made a list of pro's and con's for each option? And if so, did it help any? Sometimes that helps. Also, maybe a trial time away from him would give you a better idea. You said you are facing another possible surgery. Could you maybe stay at your mom's with your son, during the surgery time? That will give you an idea of the support you can get, deserve to get, when you are ill or recovering.

The other option is going to one of the two safe places for a week or two and see how it feels to you and your son. Is he happier away from K? Are you happier?

I hope you are able, in the end, to make the best decision for you and your son.

Also, you need to do what is best for the two of you (son and you) and not worry about the people at work that will miss you. That is their responsibiltiy, no yours. I am sure they will be adult enough to get over it in time.

Thanks BuggsBunny. I did go to another state for a weekend with just my son. Our cell phones did not work very well up there so it was truly a vacation away from K. We did have a good time and felt so much more relaxed. On the way home, I could feel the tension coming back the closer we got to the house. I was determined to leave then and had plans to leave that coming weekend. But then I caved when I talked to K about it. I think if I am going to leave, it will have to be a last minute thing without telling anyone.

Hi iamfred2

In response to one of your questions, I think it's absolutely normal to be confused and conflicted at the possibility of ending a long-term relationship, bipolar or not. There's the loss of partnership, security, loss of dreams you had for the future. And just because something might be the right thing to do doesn't make it easy!

It's interesting to me that you say you don't want to leave, or hurt, "anyone". Instead of K. Know what I mean?

Anyway yeah definitely you have to take care of yourself, because your child needs you. Good luck. Do whatever you have to do.

It sounds like you already know what to do and what you want to do.

before my 2nd husband and I split up, I wavered over the decision for about a year. I was worried about finances and about him blowing up and making it horrible. All it took to put it into perspective for me was thinking of my two kids and them approaching high school, knowing I would only have them at home a few more years and wanting something better for them. I have never regretted the divorce.

I wish you strength and courage.