[missmorganxo]

So, an update from me...sorry I went missing, guys. A few weeks ago I had posted I thought I was having an early miscarriage..well, I went to the doctor and found out I wasn't and that I was about 6 weeks pregnant (2 weeks ago) So, I called my pdoc and got off my meds.

I was hallucinating again and got into a really manic state. So, I was having a hard time. Well, yesterday I woke up with severe stomach pain and went to the emergency room.

They did an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. They said that I had tissue (the baby) coming out. And, that not much was left on the ultrasound to see. The baby died. At 8 weeks. I've had three miscarriages, all around this time. So, on top of that, I was told I may have a genetic disorder that may not allow me to carry children. So they want to do further tests.

I called my pdoc and therapist, and am starting my meds back up.

I haven't left my room, brushed my hair or took a shower OR ate since I got back from the ER yesterday. I tried to punch my fist through a wall. I contemplated running my car into a tree on the way home.

Because of my faith in God, I can't commit suicide. But I can wish that God would of took me instead. I told my therapist all this, and my whole family is like, monitoring me. Thinking I'll kill myself at any second.

I'm just, so dead inside. I just lost my baby. I can't hardly breathe. I'm so depressed, this is the lowest point in my life.

How do you go on when you can't find the strength?

[Trippin2.0]

Gentle hugs to you... I can't imagine what you must be going thru, but I'll be here for you, if you'll have me

[missmorganxo]

Thank you so much...I appreciate it...

All I can think of is a dead baby is inside of me. I just want to get it out. I'm not bleeding yet, it's just tissue in there...so, I'm just horrified. It's such an intrusive thought...my baby that I loved already is just dead and inside of me. Makes me sick

I begged for a D&C removal but they won't.

[Nixi]

Oh hun I am so so sorry!! Hugs for you sweetie. I wish I could do so much more than that! xxxxxxx

[bipolarmedstudent]

I'm so sorry.

Why won't they do a D&C? That's awful.

It might help you eventually to name the baby and maybe have a small ceremory to commemorate it.

that is really really awful, I am soooo sorry. I have been through this myself and , ughhh I am just so sorry.

I don't want to alarm you, but did they have a reason for not doing a D&C? This can be a serious situation, if things do not progress naturally. I have had a bad experience in this situation. I really do not want to make you more upset, just that if things do not progress, make sure you go back ok.

If you want I can PM you, just let me know ok?

Please Please try to be gentle with yourself. This is a great loss, you can get through this sweetie. I was actually thinking about you yesterday. Thank you for letting us know. We are all hear for you.

[missmorganxo]

They said they won't do a D&C because most of the remains/tissue has already passed through my cervix or whatever and is kind of sitting there, waiting to come out. Not much is left in my uterus/stomach so it's not much to get out.

They did check for ectopic, so thankfully no ectopic.

I'm just so sad I can't take it. Thank you all for your kind words. I appreciate it more than you know.

[captain1]

I'm not super religious, but at times like these we need an explaination to the tradegdy. God is a comfort at these times. Putting ourselves into his hands is all we can do. God Bless

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by missmorganxo

They said they won't do a D&C because most of the remains/tissue has already passed through my cervix or whatever and is kind of sitting there, waiting to come out. Not much is left in my uterus/stomach so it's not much to get out.

They did check for ectopic, so thankfully no ectopic.

I'm just so sad I can't take it. Thank you all for your kind words. I appreciate it more than you know.

I'm sorry, I hope the rest of the tissue comes out soon so this whole ordeal can be over for you. Most hospitals should be able to refer you to a support group. It might be a good idea to connect with other women who have been through the same thing (multiple pregnancy loss). It could help you.

[bluemountains]

I'm so sorry MissMorgan. I have been where you are, and it is so, so hard. For me, I have healed, but even 14 years later I miss the child that was a part of me for a while. My life went on and I now have three more children for a total of four. This was God's plan for me, but I'll always wonder what might have been.
My heart is with you as you go on. I promise it will get better.
Bluemountains

[moremi]

Originally Posted by captain1

I'm not super religious, but at times like these we need an explaination to the tradegdy. God is a comfort at these times. Putting ourselves into his hands is all we can do. God Bless

I completely agree with captain1. Turn it over to God. When Im at my absolute worst and cant take anymore I break down and I cry to God. He takes care of me when I cant do it anymore. Im so sorry for the loss of your baby. I cant imagine the pain.

[SeekerofLight]

I'm not super religious either, but when I was at my lowest point in my life, God's love healed my pain. It does work if you try it.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Try to be kind to yourself and as others have suggested, maybe join a support group.

Hugs

[DaveyJones]

Hi!

There was a point in my life where I sounded a lot like you do now. Most of the things that people will tell you to do did not help me. Prayed for relief, death, anything. Almost did the car thing, but images of my family made me turn the wheel back at the last second.

It was too late to go to the hospital, so I called a suicide hotline. They put me on hold, seriously! So I got online, which is when I found this community. The people here literally saved my life. I made it through the night and to the hospital the next day.

I've been in and out of here many times over the years, but I come back when I'm feeling really bad, you guys help me get better. That's what this place is about, everyone helping everyone.

So, know that the folks here love you and will do whatever we can to help you get through this. We can do it!

[missmorganxo]

Thanks, guys. I am still having some physical pain. And, I don't know if this is a dellusion, but I think I passed the remains. Not much to be seen, and I haven't had bleeding at all, but I saw like, pink tissue in the toilet. Like nothing I'd ever seen. Made me sick but I think that's what it was.

I'm still very depressed today, but maybe, a teeny tiny small amount better? It's hard to tell but I'm a lot less angry today.

I believe in God. I keep calling out to him, begging him for help. At the same time, screaming at him...why'd you take my three babies? And, leave me here? So, it's a mix of begging for help and yelling at this point. I can't bring myself to read my bible. I don't want to hear promises right now. I'd rather him take me than leave me here with all this sickness, losing my babies, mentally being unstable...an abusive family. Nobody loves me. I mean, great life to leave me here for.

I hope one day my life will have meaning. A good meaning.

Thank you all for your kindness and support. It's a lifeline in this hard time.

Hug. Hopefully you feel better.

[bluematador]

I am so sorry to hear about this. I have had two miscarriages. I know how painful it is. A big hug to you. You are in my thoughts.

[Resident Bipolar]

Things get better, they always do. Look at it this way...if you're the lowest you've ever been, all you can do is go up.

Always here. If you ever need to talk, I'm just a PM away.

RB ♥